Horoscopes (March 30)

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    Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

    The road of life is long and full of large boulders, and until Hummers start conserving gas, you should seriously consider buying a grappling hook.

    Taurus: April 20 – May 20

    New ideas and challenges have always enforced your will to live, but that will change this week when you are challenged to rise from the dead.

    Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

    Focusing on a point will helps you relax your brain, but when that point turns out to be a football player’s girlfriend, you will need more than a prayer to live.

    Gemini: May 21- June 21

    Whatever it is that you do this week, you will do it with the stick-to-itiveness that makes Geminis unique; well, that and a pair of testicles.

    Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

    When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. But when life gives you a grapefruit, try not to squeeze any in someone’s eye, because that shit stings.

    Cancer: June 22 – July 22

    Along with a punch in the face, you will receive wisdom this week from Doctor Do-It-All, who advises you to drop your activities and hang glide off of Rogers Hall.

    Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

    Your mind’s eye will go blind this week, and you will be embarrassed when everyone is making fun of its funny looking eye-patch.

    Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22

    You will be relieved after finishing your 366th sonnet and the work of your life, only to be accused of “coppin’ Petrarch’s steez” by your English major friends.

    Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20

    You need to refresh your soul, reevaluate your situation and live life to the fullest. More importantly, you need to get tested for Chlamydia.

    Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

    You will have a life-shattering paradigm crisis this week when you are excited to find a nickel, but realize the machine only accepts quarters. months.

    Aries: March 21 – April 19

    Your compatibility meter will shoot through the roof this week, as you will now be able to respond to people with “Hello,” as opposed to “Whatever.”

    Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

    While your decisions are tough this week, you ask yourself whether the stars would have done the same thing. A ball of gas can’t have a baby, idiot.