Horoscopes (April 6)

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    Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

    The party train will hit you face-first this week, and the only way to stop it is to have Steven Seagal throw everyone else off of it. Good luck.

    Taurus: April 20 – May 20

    Buying lavishly expensive clothing and dorm room extras will never make you feel better about your troubles, but at least it’s on your mom’s credit card.

    Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

    Your enthusiasm toward everyday activities enriches the atmosphere and attracts many people toward you. It’s either that or your money-scented cologne.

    Gemini: May 21- June 21

    Grow up. You finally realize that you need to get serious about life and stop acting like an asshole all the time. A really, really big asshole.

    Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

    After finding the person you will spend the rest of your life with, a friend will inform you this week that Alf is not a person, or anything for that matter.

    Cancer: June 22 – July 22

    After an exhausting week in class, you’re weekend looks to be full of surprises — one being you will probably just study all weekend.

    Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

    You have put off dealing with old habits for too long, and your unhealthy addiction to the Oprah Winfrey show will hit you like a ton of bricks of this week.

    Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22

    No one will believe you when you blame all of your problems on the rain, until the rain bitch slaps your Uncle Jim this week.

    Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20

    Although you will feel pretty sad this week, trust the stars when we say something good will happen in the very near future … probably.

    Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

    Decisions are hard to make in the evening, especially when it’s between watching reruns of “Seinfeld” and “The Simpsons” everyday.

    Aries: March 21 – April 19

    It seems all that exercising, eating incredibly healthy food and reading profusely will finally catch up to you this week. Oh, we forgot the heroine addiction.

    Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

    Here’s a free lesson. Try to get some sleep this week, as energy during the day can only be maintained with good rest and 12 Red Bulls.

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