Panda porn: a glorious act of God or scourge of the Earth?

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April 6, 2007

3:21 PM

Spring is here! And, of course, if you love cliches as much as I do (like bears love honey!), you know spring is a time for showing affection. And when I say “showing affection,” I, of course, mean hooking up.

p. Cuddling in the sunshine and writing poems about flowers is great and all — particularly if you can figure out a rhyme for gladiolus — but we’re in college, and sometimes we just have to satisfy our primal needs. I know that The Flat Hat already features a sex column. I’m not going to step on anyone’s sexy (dominatrix boot-clad?) columnist toes by telling you all about how fun sex is and how many safe and satisfying ways there are to do it.

p. This column gets written while at work; the last thing I need is for my manager to walk in on me Googling “outdoor sex tips” or “best ways to masturbate in public spaces.” I would, however, like to suggest that there are ways to enjoy the sexiness of spring without having to worry about your boss or your roommate walking in on you.

p. I’ve learned, in my many years accompanying single friends to parties, that sometimes watching your friends’ attempts to get some action is actually more fun than doing it yourself. And when I say “watching,” I don’t mean bearing witness to the actual act of the hook-up; although, you know, if that’s your thing and you’re really, really good friends, you have my blessing. Really, though, the human mating dance can be very entertaining — particularly if your friends are painfully inept at it. Trying to shove together two unwilling, uncomfortable, unpracticed folks is the love equivalent of achieving cold fusion — it’s pretty much a miracle. So, when the unthinkable actually happens and your shy, unassuming friend all of a sudden attacks some stranger’s face with her tongue, you kind of feel like you’re witnessing a glorious act of God. A golden glow settles over the scene, and you feel satisfied simply on your friend’s behalf.

p. If you are not the type to just sit back and hope for the best — or if your friends need a little extra persuasion (read: a good hard shove toward the object of his or her affection), there’s always a little extra satisfaction to be had from playing wingman. The hands-on approach can get very intensive; with particularly hopeless friends, you may start to feel a little like those zookeepers who keep trying to get pandas to mate.

p. You have to learn from these people; if calling all the science video retailers in the country on a search for panda porn doesn’t get them down, your friend’s refusal to talk to boys about anything sexier than math shouldn’t get you down, either. It may be an uphill battle, but, eventually, the supportive friend/zookeeper wins, and on that blessed day the pandas actually get it on, sending everyone into a tizzy.

p. If you don’t like thinking of your friends as sex-starved endangered species, think of the quest to get your friend some ass as “Choose Your Own Adventure” TV (the wave of television future). You call the shots from a safe place and see what your machinations reap. Give your character more rum and Cokes! Tell her to hit on that guy! Lose your friend at a party and then spy on her to make sure she is actually making out with that dude! Just remember, unlike “Choose Your Own Adventure” books, you can’t flip back to the previous scene if your friend (or her prey) does something you don’t like. Wingman has to take the ups with the downs and just because it won’t be you romping naked through the gladiolus doesn’t mean you won’t still regret it the next day.

p. __Lauren Bell is a Confusion Corner columnist for The Flat Hat. She’s hoarding the world’s largest collection of panda porn.__

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