When I sat down to write my final column of the year, I had a few ideas kicking around about what I should do. At first I thought I’d write about my intramural soccer team — Team So-Good-It’s-Scary — about our heartbreakingly premature exit from the playoffs, and the lessons we learned that transcend the win-loss column and allow us all to lead richer, more fulfilling lives (lessons such as how to rationalize soul-crushing losses into “moral victories” — which we all know don’t exist). Then I realized that I’d already written that article (see Feb. 24 and Nov. 3 issues) about dodgeball and indoor soccer, respectively.
p. Then I thought I’d write about our women’s soccer team, insinuating that their precipitous drop in rank at the end of the season had something to do with the entire feather scandal from earlier this year. But I had already written about a massive conspiracy against our feathers as well (Sept. 15). An article about the luxuries of the Rec Center? Done it (Sept. 9). A column which makes a passing stab at a nineties folk-singer, causing legions of her loyal and humorless fans to descend upon the Flat Hat website and make a series of nasty and misspelled comments?
p. Amazingly enough, it happened (April 10). So, when one runs into the situation of having written every single type of article possible, does the columnist shun the previous forms and create an entirely original work which people will echo throughout the ages? Rather, bravely following in the footsteps of those pioneers at VH1 who seem to have created several million hours worth of shows without ever producing a single new thing, he does a countdown of the top five (however I choose to define them) moments of the preceding year.
p. 5. Jewel Fans Go Berserk — In the wake of the Theta 5k Race for charity, I decided to write an article chronicling my overblown, satirical experience in the competition. In the article I asserted, rather sarcastically, that I placed second because a Jewel song was playing as I sprinted to the finish line, distracting me from the win. At that point, I may or may not have called Jewel a bimbo. The article was promptly posted on a Jewel fansite forum by an anonymous Flat Hat reader (who deserves a medal for what follows). I was immediately struck with mixed feelings of great joy and sadness as I read the twenty-one venomous comments. Joy, because of how hysterically funny the commenters were, unbeknownst to themselves, and sadness with the knowledge that I will never write something that funny. Ever.
p. No more commentary necessary. What follows are a few of my favorite comments, unedited: jayjsantana wrote “you are seriously a morron for putting the blame on Jewel and then calling her a bimbo. Your the Bimbo.” Santino wrote “You, sir, have no right to impune your falsifications and misguided opinion on a musical artist who has more money than you could actually spend,” and “Go bury your head in theh sand somewhere, because these people want your head, and if you aren’t careful, it may just be fed to them.” These are just a couple gems. Because of them, however, I’ve realized that Jewel is the greatest musical genius of all time. For serious, if Beethoven was a female hippie that used to live in a van, he’d look more or less like Jewel (just kidding, but I thought I’d throw that in there — Jewel fans don’t speak sarcasm). For the full story, check it out online.
p. 4. Tribe Feathers Get Clipped — I don’t mean to say that this was a highlight, only that this was one of the most important stories of the year. The idea that some committee can come to the College and tell the administration the degree to which they’re allowed to offend Native Americans is ridiculous. Either change the Indian theme altogether, or realize that a few feathers is the least of anyone’s problems.
p. 3. 6th Man a Huge Success — Traditionally, students here at the College haven’t cared about basketball. In fact, last year most students couldn’t find the basketball court if you took them to the top of William and Mary Hall and then pushed them down the stairs. This year, thanks to the 6th Man apparel program, students showed up in record numbers. Finally a little Tribe Pride leaked past November.
p. 2&1. Women’s Tennis and Men’s Cross Country Place Rate Highly In NCAA — We go to William & Mary. Let me repeat that — William & Mary. A few distinctions set us apart from the average school. For example, we have academic standards, even when it comes to athletes. Also, our campus holds a little over five thousand students. That’s it. You could fit four of us into one Virginia Tech, and it would take seven to equal the double-National Champion Florida Gators. Despite that, the women’s tennis and men’s cross country teams took their spots among the best programs in the country.
p. The women’s tennis team hasn’t finished their season yet, so little can be said for sure, but the consistency of this year’s squad suggests that they’ll be capable of holding their no. 13 ranking come nationals. Senior Megan Moulton-Levy, who earned All-American honors last year, and sophomore doubles partner Katarina Zoricic have clawed their way to the number one position in the country, leading their team to their current position.
p. The men’s cross country team raced to eighth place in the country, improving eleven spots on their national ranking going into the championships and earning the second best finish in school history. Led by junior Christo Landry’s All-American performance, the entire team packed closely together to vault ahead of some highly lauded programs — a position that the team will no doubt look to recapture in the fall.