May. 25, 2012

Horoscopes (Aug. 31)

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August 31, 2007

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Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

You will realize this week that getting a $100 ticket from parking services is a bit steep. Too bad they don’t give a shit.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

If you wake up this week dizzy, bound and gagged, don’t worry. It was most likely IT coming to collect your $2.22 printing bill.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

Celebrity sighting alert: The stars predict that you will run into Falcons quarterback Michael Vick on DoG Street this week.

Gemini: May 21- June 21

Contrary to popular belief, the water at Jamestown Beach will not kill you, but the diseases you contract there might.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

Don’t be too worried if you get into an argument about the existence of God with your roommate. Just put him or yourself in a glass box

Cancer: June 22 – July 22

Stay away from dormcest — at all costs. Unless the person’s really hot, then just get drunk and forget you read this.

Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

The NFL season is getting underway, and while we can’t predict what will happen, we know one thing: the Redskins will suck.

Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22

You will have an epiphany this week: You want to apply for The Flat Hat and write these horoscopes so I don’t have to.

Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20

Classes are starting, and we offer a special warning to you freshmen. If you think you can get away with not going, well, it depends.

Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

Whew! You’re done with the grueling move-in process. Now you can look forward to sweating for the next two months because it’s so fucking hot.

Aries: March 21 – April 19

Jet-lagged and tired, you will make the smart choice to go out, get hammered and puke the next day after taking a malaria pill.

Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

Speaking of heat, don’t be alarmed this week when a beer gremlin jumps out of your fridge and defenestrates your air conditioner.

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