Horoscopes (Jan. 18)

Written by


January 18, 2008

11:38 PM

Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

Your mother always said to beware of things that go bump in the night; nevertheless, the law requires you to stop when you run over someone.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

When everyone in your politics class stares at you in shock and disgust, you will realize it’s still too early to joke about Benazir Bhutto.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

As Garrison Keillor says, one little thing can revive a guy, and that is a piece of rhubarb pie.

Gemini: May 21- June 21

The stares are having a hard time gazing into your future; all they can see is a jar of marmalade, hot wings and two monkeys.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

After leaving your English class with a D- paper, you will be angered and saddened to find it is raining. Then you will step on a rake.

Cancer: June 22 – July 22

Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown; in light of this, remove any coronets or tiaras that may poke you as you sleep.

Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

Tomorrow you will see Nicholas Cage run out of the Wren Building. Turns out the Founding Fathers hid treasure there, too.

Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22

After a friendly challenge to a dessert-eating contest at the Caf, you will have the unique experience of literally tossing your cookies.

Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20

Sunday, you will receive a tempting offer via e-mail to increase your penis size, despite the fact that you are a woman.

Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

You should have learned that bananas have potassium the same way everyone else did: “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.”

Aries: March 21 – April 19

Ex-astronaut Lisa Nowak wore a diaper so she could drive far without stopping; you should wear a diaper to get through next Tuesday’s classes.

Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

This week your mailbox will transform into a portal to the Star Trek universe, ejecting thousands of Tribbles into the UC.

Share This Article

Related News

Cheesebro alerts campus following Thursday night’s IED detonation
Powering Through “BoJack Horseman”
The “Rocky Horror” Rant

About Author