Horoscopes (Jan. 18)

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    Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

    Your mother always said to beware of things that go bump in the night; nevertheless, the law requires you to stop when you run over someone.

    Taurus: April 20 – May 20

    When everyone in your politics class stares at you in shock and disgust, you will realize it’s still too early to joke about Benazir Bhutto.

    Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

    As Garrison Keillor says, one little thing can revive a guy, and that is a piece of rhubarb pie.

    Gemini: May 21- June 21

    The stares are having a hard time gazing into your future; all they can see is a jar of marmalade, hot wings and two monkeys.

    Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

    After leaving your English class with a D- paper, you will be angered and saddened to find it is raining. Then you will step on a rake.

    Cancer: June 22 – July 22

    Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown; in light of this, remove any coronets or tiaras that may poke you as you sleep.

    Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

    Tomorrow you will see Nicholas Cage run out of the Wren Building. Turns out the Founding Fathers hid treasure there, too.

    Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22

    After a friendly challenge to a dessert-eating contest at the Caf, you will have the unique experience of literally tossing your cookies.

    Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20

    Sunday, you will receive a tempting offer via e-mail to increase your penis size, despite the fact that you are a woman.

    Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

    You should have learned that bananas have potassium the same way everyone else did: “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.”

    Aries: March 21 – April 19

    Ex-astronaut Lisa Nowak wore a diaper so she could drive far without stopping; you should wear a diaper to get through next Tuesday’s classes.

    Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

    This week your mailbox will transform into a portal to the Star Trek universe, ejecting thousands of Tribbles into the UC.

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