On a chilly Saturday afternoon, The Flat Hat Sports staff assembled in the Sunken Garden for the 2nd annual Flat Hat sports campus golf tournament, an agonizingly serious affair. Managing Editor Jeff Dooley and News Editor Miles Hilder joined Sports Editor Andrew Pike and Associate Sports Editors Matt Poms and Chris Weidman for a harrowing eight holes of exhilarating competition caddied by Associate Variety Editor Summer Finck. Staff writer Jack Lambert went along for the ride.
The boys loosely gather together for photos before the round begins. Dooley rocks bright red shorts, an old man’s plaid shirt and a red headband. Pike and Hilder sport similar outfits to last year’s outing. Pike adds a green fleece blanket as a cape to complement his dinosaur-print onesie, while Hilder disappoints in his green argyle sweater and khakis. Poms and Weidman go the traditional preppy golfer route.
“What’s the bet?” asks caddy Finck. Despite Pike’s objections, it is decided that loser buys pizza. It’s hard to be taken seriously when you’re wearing a onesie.
The fivesome picks up their clubs and aims for the first hole — the back wall of the Sunken Garden.
Dooley, up first, hits “Happy Gilmore” style. Poms’ first shot feebly slices to the left.
“I didn’t see it, Poms. Where’d it go?” Dooley says as he prepares his next run-up to the ball.
Meanwhile, Pike is learning why the professionals leave their capes at home on windy days.
Weidman follows up by trickling his ball three inches to the left. “That’s two!” Dooley says after a second shot ensues from the same spot as the first. Pike comes up from behind skipping to “Benny and the Jets.”
Hilder pauses to interview Dooley and Finck on a handheld camera for an online video. We now have a staff writer covering a section editor who is interviewing a managing editor and associate editor on film. Who says newspapers are a dying industry?
Dooley and Poms reach the wall in three strokes, Pike and Weidman in four, and Hilder in five. Hilder is the only one taking practice swings. Pike’s last shot misses a girl sitting on the steps by three inches.
“I almost killed someone!” he says in a tone more befitting Christmas morning than accidental homicide.
“I want to get into Miles’ head,” Dooley says on the way to the second hole. “He won last year, and he’s a formidable opponent. He’s wearing the same sweater as last year.”
Pike and Weidman tee off at the same time. “You hit me, and I hit you with my club,” Pike says.
There’s a poorly-timed wedding taking place in the chapel, which Pike heckles as Hilder blames his poor start on Finck’s club choice. Weidman takes a two on the second hole, Poms a three and the rest hit fours.
“They’re very weak,” Weidman says. “It’s my muscles that scare them.”
“I think he weighs less than I do and I weigh one-upper-thirties-something,” says Pike trailing off as he finishes the sentence.
Poms’s drive on the third hole hits a tree.
“That’s his Achilles heel, these long fairways,” Dooley says.
“Your Achilles heel is playing by the rules,” Pike shoots back.
The quintet lets another group play through and they ask Pike how many articles of clothing he has on. “Is a cape clothing?” he asks. They respond no. “Then two.”
The hole proves difficult as Weidman and Hilder take a four.
“I’m the Dools, baby!” Dooley exclaims before hitting Washington Hall with his drive. The Dools is now in last place.
The cold sets in on the fourth hole, but Weidman still gets a hole in one.
“I’ll see you guys later,” he says, walking away to his dorm. “Get some!” he shouts as he walks back.
Poms’s tee shot on five lands in a tree, while Hilder has lost interest and is now aiming for an open dorm window. The guy inside is not amused and quickly shuts the window.
“I don’t see no bucket,” Pike says before the sixth hole. “You don’t see any bucket,” Dooley corrects before bogeying the hole. Poms picks up a six and seems to be well on his way to buying a pizza.
A mime stops to talk to Finck as a hawk lands in the tree above the seventh hole.
“I think Poms came in with too much confidence,” Hilder says. “It’s a tragic case, really. I feel bad for him.”
“I had a good game plan, but then the onesie threw me off at the beginning, and I never recovered,” Poms explained.
Pike throws his club for the second time.
The scores heading into the final hole: Weidman 25, Hilder 28, Pike 28, the Dools 33 and Poms 38. Hilder gets a three on the last hole, Poms a five, the rest fours.
“It looks like Poms is buying pizza,” someone says. “I’m okay with that,” says Pike.
“Wait, I thought winner was buying pizza,” Poms replies. “I’m okay with that too,” says Pike.
The final scores: Weidman 29, Hilder 31, Pike 32, Dooley 37 and Poms 43. Weidman’s prize: a pink lollipop.
The group returns their clubs and brings it in for one last moment, a thank you for their caddy.
“Summer on three. 1-2-3 Summer,” they shout before heading off for a pizza.
Toad from Mario looks on and smiles.