Behind Closed Doors: Getting online and getting off

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April 14, 2009

3:28 AM

Technology is a beautiful thing and has done wonders for modern sex. I love that I can Google “dildo” and get 40,500,000 hits in 0.2 seconds. Technology has allowed for even obscure sexual communities, such as furries, to find and hook up with each other. Modern-day miracles such as vibrators, porn videos, dirty websites and phone sex hotlines enable a lot of us to get off without much effort. It is very easy to be anonymous and horny with technology.

But technology does not have to be used for solo sex, and you don’t have to hook up with an anonymous stranger. In fact, A webcam can work wonders for a long-distance relationship.

So how is it done? It is possible for you to be intimate with someone who isn’t physically with you, but you have to remember there are still rules and standards for these encounters.

Here’s a scenario that I think is helpful to keep in mind when engaging in these acts: Just imagine that you and your partner are in a dark room but can’t touch each other — everything physical must be done to yourself and then described. For all technosex, except webcam sex, your partner can’t even see you; and even with a camera, you should assume that everything you’re doing is difficult to see and should be described. As a side note, actually doing this can be titillating, although you may find the no touching rule harder than you thought.

Technosex can be extremely arousing, but also daunting, if you’ve never tried it before. Many people may feel awkward enough whispering yes and grunting during actual sex. Even if you’ve had sex with your partner many times, you may feel nervous entering into this situation.

To initiate technosex, you basically have to send raunchy messages or just outright ask your partner for a virtual hookup. It’s usually easier if he or she is someone you’ve hooked up with before. I would advise against having technosex with someone you have not done the dirty with in person. You may feel awkward after technosex even with a partner, let alone with someone who was always just a friend.

One important caveat: Make sure you trust your partner. Words said aloud usually just evaporate into the world, but online conversations and pictures may not. Decide beforehand if it’s okay to save the moment with screenshots or excerpts.

Technosex is all about using your imagination and words to create an atmosphere. To be successful, both of you should describe how you feel; what you’re doing to yourself; what you would like your partner to do to himself; and what you wish you could do if you were together. These four simple tasks will lead to a healthy long-distance encounter.

You may find yourself saying embarrassing things, but remember that self-conscious attempts don’t work in real life, and there’s no reason to expect them to be more successful in cyberspace.

Here’s some trouble-shooting advice for the technosex beginners out there:

Acronyms, misspellings and extra letters for emphasis are okay. You’re probably excited and typing quickly so some mistakes are understandable. And since it shows that you are truly enjoying yourself, a few extra letters are passable. However, messages that are incomprehensible can detract from the mood. If possible, when typing things out, write as you normally would.

Often it’s difficult to tell when a partner is genuinely aroused, so be explicit about how you’re feeling — one or two word answers just won’t cut it.

Details are turn-ons. You don’t have to describe everything, but remember that since your partner isn’t actually there, they can’t see anything you’re doing. It is therefore much better to say “I am moving my hand up and down my shaft” than to say “I’m touching it.”

It’s fine — and even encouraged — to pretend that you’re actually with the person. But it’s better to preface what you say by acknowledging the realities of your situation. So, rather than “Can I put it in you?” write “If I was there right now, I would be putting my penis into you.”

The key to the best technosex is to just go for it. Contrary to popular belief, technosex does not have to be awkward. It can be as good as the real thing if you let go of your inhibitions. It can force you to realize what most turns you on. If you find that you spend half the conversation talking about caressing her breasts, you may have just gained insight into your biggest turn-on.

__Maya Horowitz is The Flat Hat sex columnist. Her keyboard is kind of sticky.__

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