Check with roommate before tickling your Elmo

Written by

|

August 21, 2009

12:59 AM

So here we are, ladies and gentlemen, starting yet another semester at good ol’ William and Mary. Hark upon the gale and all that. But what does “back to school” mean, besides back to all the books and the papers and the classes? Back to being around, like, a million other hot young college kids all the time! Toto, I don’t think we’re in Mom and Dad’s basement anymore. Summer’s over and we’re at college — and Toto is horny!

So, what to do? Well, seeing as how this is our first post, what say we uncork that champagne and toast ourselves. Or better yet, smash that André against this battleship and let’s set sail. We’ve got some sex to blog about, and it’s sure to be a bumpy ride.

First things first. Freshmen, welcome! Wide-eyed and slightly sweaty, this is probably the first time you’ve lived with a roommate for any extended period of time. You’re all moved in, you’re starting to get a handle on dorm life, and you’re finally able to take a breath and analyze your surroundings. And what do you discover? Your surroundings are pretty attractive! Everyone’s young and smart and pretty. You’re making friends. It’s like high school but better, because now there’s easier access to booze and you can get free condoms from the health center. But slow down there, buddy. How can you expect to find a sex partner when you can’t even find your psych class?

This brings us to our first topic: masturbation. You’re a horny freshman, but you’re still too wet behind the ears to try gettin’ it on with anyone besides yourself. It’s cool, no rush. There’s a whole world of hot college sex out there to explore this year, but that stuff is scary for a reason. So, before this blog goes anywhere near discussing actual sex with another person, let’s deal with the very real problem of masturbating when you have a roommate. Specifically, how to go about getting off in private without making anyone feel awkward.

As a preface to the rest of the post, I’ll mainly be addressing my male readership. Sorry ladies, but girls getting naughty with themselves is a topic best left to a blogger who actually possesses a vagina.

Ok guys. So you’re wanting to jerk off, but the roommate is working on his problem set and it looks like he’s in it for the long haul. Simple solution: make your way to your hall bathroom. Gross, I know, but beggars who live with roommates can’t be choosers. Pick your stall, ignore the yucky sights and/or smells, and do your thing. If you have more time to kill, take a long shower and do the deed there. Just remember: this is not your personal wank-space. Do your hall a favor and clean up after yourself! You’ve all seen ‘CSI.’ Leave no evidence.

If you really can’t stomach the thought of jerking it in your hall bathroom, maybe it’s time to bite the bullet and talk to that roommate of yours. Be honest with him; odds are he’s been craving some alone time, too. But remember, you’re basically asking a near-stranger to scram for an extended period of time, and this is his room too. Wait at least a couple of weeks before bringing this up. Everyone has their own ideas about what constitutes acceptable conversation, and probing questions about jerk-off schedules might not be what this guy wants to hear from his new roommate. Also, if your living partner’s being nice enough to cede you the room once in a while, please show him an equal amount of courtesy. Duh.

Hopefully this post won’t be necessary. Hopefully you and your roommate are so compatible that this never becomes an issue. But, if it does, just remember to approach the situation with honesty and humor.

So that does it for my advice. Let’s turn it over to the guys in the audience. Any suggestions about finding ways to masturbate at college? Horror stories? Funny stories? Let’s hear it in the comments!

Share This Article

Related News

SA passes Hobble Wobble Gobble Act, plans to purchase Thanksgiving turkeys
Inside COLL: Professors raise questions, concerns about implementation of COLL curriculum
Student problems with swipe access stem from data errors

About Author

The Flat Hat
  • The Flat Hat