Good sex, bad sex

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September 4, 2009

1:39 AM

If you’re not too busy taking Greg’s advice and feeling yourself up in a Botetourt hall shower, I’d like to shift gears and talk about — yes — actually having sex with another person. It’s the beginning of the year, and at this point every house party and frat unit is teeming with drunk freshmen girls making questionable life decisions. I think most girls have gone through this phase. You go out, get drunk enough to have an impulsive hook-up, then struggle through the walk of shame back home only to awkwardly run into the guy an hour later at the Caf.

While some girls approach this process more zealously than others, I think anyone who has had enough sexual encounters on this campus has eventually come to one conclusion: sex can be good. It can be great. But it can also be awful. It can be so terrible that you’re actually glad that your man of the moment has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he’ll finish fast and you can go watch “Desperate Housewives.”

Bad sex. It’s definitely a fundamental part of freshman year, but it is also a fact of life. So if bad sex will haunt you forever, what can you do about it? It’s not like you can stop mid-bone and tell your partner, “Hey, FYI, you suck at this.” That’s pretty insensitive and probably won’t accomplish much.

Not only is the prospect of crappy sex anxiety-provoking, but even worse is the fear that you are really the one that sucks in bed. I really feel for guys when it comes to this. I think it’s kind of hard for a girl to be bad at sex. I mean, even if you just lie there like a dead fish, he’s still going to get off. Obviously, a sexual experience is much more enjoyable if both of you are engaged, and girls aren’t automatic experts. I’m just saying that there are way more opportunities for a guy to fail than a girl.

Let’s be logical and talk about biology and anatomy for a second. With men, it is all out there. I’ve never found myself looking for some kind of mysterious hidden pleasure spot (or whatever you want to call it) on someone I was hooking up with. Not only that, but for the most part the things required to turn a guy on are pretty straightforward.

Guys have things a little harder (no pun intended?). Girls’ bodies are complicated, and their special spots can be extremely elusive. Every girl is shaped differently, so even if a man thinks he’s got things down with one girl, the next one could throw him a complete curve ball. Think about it this way: I’m a girl. I’m in a sorority. So clearly, I have a huge purse stuffed with junk. I know that on any given day I have probably five pens tucked somewhere in there, but ten minutes of digging can produce receipts, chapstick, and lighters — but absolutely no pens. Sometimes the only way to find anything is to just dump my purse out. Well, a girl can’t exactly lay her vag out on a table, so I imagine looking for the g-spot could be kind of frustrating. They know it’s there, but men are essentially just poking around in the dark.

So what can you do about this? Is there a subtle and sensitive way to tell someone that they are entirely sexually inept? Ok, no, probably not, but that doesn’t mean you can’t give someone a nudge in the right direction. If you are having sex you probably want to be good at it, so by voicing your preferences, you really are doing your partner a favor. You are doing the next person they have sex with a favor. And since you’re the one having sex with them, you are doing yourself a favor, too. I’m not talking about constructive criticism here. For the most part, undergrads are almost as insecure as teenagers and pointing out their flaws will probably only make them even worse. Instead tell them what you like — it shows that you’re into what’s happening, and it won’t reveal what you’re really thinking about their sad excuse for skills. Eventually they’ll catch on to what’s good and keep doing it. And girls, seriously, be kind. Guys already have the deck stacked against them, and you don’t need to rub it in.

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