Behind Closed Doors: Pencil in time for sex in your planner

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September 22, 2009

1:44 AM

Fellow sexaholics, I come to you to address a problem that is pervasive on our campus. The campus is replete with cases of this terrible disease. It’s more persistent than herpes, more frequent than the common cold, and more threatening than swine flu. It’s not being able to find enough time for sex in your busy schedule.

Now don’t worry, delicate readers, I won’t go into all the varied symptoms and horrible side effects of this grievous disease. Rather, I’d like to set up a few candles, get some massage oils out, and give it to you nice and slow.

Typical students at the College of William and Mary — twamps, if you will — are prone to taking on more activities than they actually have time for. With five classes, a club rugby officer position and volunteering duty with READ/Adopt-a-Grandparent, it’s hard to find time for food, let alone sex. But your body needs that loving nourishment.

Some find themselves sprawled out on the floor naked, masturbating ceaselessly and without fulfillment because they can’t stop thinking about that organic chemistry exam in the morning. Others shiver in bed, late at night, wishing for a good romp as they close their eyes and fall into troubled sleep.

For people in relationships, this problem leads to another that I like to call the no-one-wins-and-everyone-is-unhappy conundrum. Because there is so little wiggle room in your schedule to spend time wiggling, your interactions with your significant other either become all sex or all talk. You end up having to decide whether you want to further the meaningful side of the relationship or get out your sexual tensions doggie-style.

For singles, not being able to find time in your busy schedule for sex often means you spend your weekends trolling for hotties who you never intend to talk to again because who has the time to arrange all of that? This can be a fun opportunity, but in the end, it’s not sustainable as a way of life. At least not outside the comfy white picket fences of the College.

At this point you may be saying to yourself, “Why isn’t Maya helping us? She’s just exacerbating the problem by elaborating on its various manifestations.” To this I say, “Get ready for the solution, bitches.”

The cure is so simple — make time for sex. That’s it. Love, lust and flirting are just as important as eating, defecating and sleeping.Recognize that getting down should be put down on your schedule. Not penciled in, but sprawled in big letters with a permanent marker.

What it comes down to is that life is too short to wrap yourself in activities and never emerge from your cocoon. College is about experiencing life, not just about improving your grade point average or beefing up your resume. It’s ok to do those things, too. Lord knows we all do it; we’re twamps. Your schedule should always include an open slot for loving, as well as other outlets such as taking walks and playing video games. CSO will survive without you, but your genitals are attached and are not letting go. Feed them, Seymour.

This column has been brought to you by the prestigious Center for Disease Control and Containment, which is run out of my garage. Stop by for a free consultation and condoms, or just go to the Fish Bowl, which is a little more legit.

It’s time to take precautions to control this threatening disease before it takes over campus. The first step — heading to the Fish Bowl for free condoms.

__Maya Horowitz is The Flat Hat sex columnist. You should see her calendar; she has an Orgo exam Wednesday.__

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