Getting over awkward sex

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October 2, 2009

1:49 AM

So you’re hooking up and it’s pretty sweet. You’re like, “OK, this is cool, I’m down with this.”

And then it happens. Everything screeches to a halt, and you don’t know what to do. You freeze because this seemingly normal hour in the bone zone has just gotten real awkward real fast. It’s one of those unexpected and uncomfortable sexual moments where you think to yourself, “Great… so where do we go from here?” Then you just kind of suck it up and move forward.

Let me give you some examples to clarify.

I hooked up with a guy for a while who loved T-Pain, which was awesome because I love T-Pain. So every time we’d get down to some serious business, that’s the kind of music we would put on.

And every time we’d do it, sooner or later he’d start singing along. That’s awkward.

There was another guy who, mid-make out, would break the lip lock and start rapping along with Biggie. What the hell? What was I supposed to do while they were jamming to their man crush? Sit and watch the clock until they were done, then pick things up like nothing completely weird and inappropriate had just happened? I mean, we’re engaging in sexual intercourse here — the only thing you should be focused on is me.

But that’s the nature of those moments. Unless you’re so turned off that the hook up needs to be instantly aborted, you kind of have no choice but to pretend like your partner didn’t just totally freak you out.

There really are endless examples of ways to make getting laid extremely uncomfortable.

Like a guy pushing your head down when you’re making out with him. That’s just rude. A girl has already pretty much decided before she hooks up with you if she’s going to go down or not and rushing the process isn’t really tipping the scale in your favor. Pushing for things in general can be pretty uncomfortable. If you say no and someone just keeps begging that is just the ultimate turn off. I’ve been with guys who have tried to convince me to hook up with them while their roommate is there. Not only is the prospect of that highly awkward in itself, but if the answer was no five minutes ago, it’s probably still going to be no now.

Saying especially strange things can also be a major problem. Once, right when things were really getting heated, I had a guy tell me to “ride his T. rex.” Buzz. Kill. Like really? T. rex? Whatever you have to tell yourself, buddy.

In fact, anything too freaky too soon is going to mess up the flow of things. I know this guy who had a girl ask him during a one-night stand to choke her. Save revealing your bondage fixations for when you actually know the person’s name and they won’t be terrified. Not that there’s anything wrong with being a freak, but there’s a time and a place.

Talking about your ex during sex can be pretty scary as well. Absolutely nobody cares if your former girlfriend was the queen of the reverse cowgirl, and you’re not stroking a guy’s ego if you tell him how bad your ex sucked in the sack. I just flat out don’t want to think about the person I’m currently having sex with banging another chick.

The most uncomfortable part of any of these situations is that a lot of the time the other person doesn’t know that they are ruining things for you. My usual advice would be to speak up, but in some circumstances it’s just not worth it. Pick your battles, right? All you can really do is accept the reality of the discomfort. These situations are pretty funny and they happen to everyone, so just deal. If sexual awkwardness really is a huge deal-breaker for you, then, frankly, you just haven’t had enough sex. Go get comfortable, and get some experience.

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