Behind Closed Doors: Lights, camera, get busy

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October 20, 2009

12:30 AM

I love porn, and I’m going to hazard a guess that you do, too. Come on, admit it. You like to tickle your pickle to the sights and sounds of other people getting down.

What’s not to love? No matter what you’re into, the internet will have porn that excites you. And it’s most likely free and easy to download. There are the more common fetishes — anal adventures, big-boobed babes, cunnilingus — and there are the not-so-common, but still present, fetishes — senior citizen sex, shemale shenanigans and S&M. But why settle for another man’s fantasy? Why should you have to scour the internet just to find the freaky things that make you want to fondle your fiddle?

The solution, my fellow deviants, is simple: Make your own.

The idea of this may turn some of you off, but bear with me. There are many excellent reasons to make your own porn and only a few arguments against it.

With the ease and availability of video cameras, them there are very few obstacles in your way. There has never been a better time to make your own naughty movie. It’s a sexy time in your life, so take advantage of your youth and beauty and make your next home video one to remember.

You get to be the director. You choose the angles. You choose the positions. You choose whatever you want that gets your juices flowing. For instance, if it creeps you out when a man looks into the camera, you can tell your actor not to do that. And if you’re turned on by her moaning your name, you can put the words — and whatever else you want — in her mouth.

You also get to be the star. When I watch regular porn I always envision myself as the woman. With homemade porn there is no need to project yourself into the pleasure position — you’re already there.
You get to have a more vivid recollection of the encounter. Some sex is just too good to be lost to a bad short-term memory. So when it’s raining outside, and there’s no one around to keep you warm, you can always remember the good times and masturbate to them.

So, what’s the downside? There are a few serious, but not fatal, problems with homemade porn.

The first is that it might get out. As so many celebrities have shown us, it’s dangerous to have a video of you doing it doggie style. But good news, you’re not a celebrity, and there isn’t as much excitement if your video is released. The only people who can get you in trouble are the other participants in the film. This is why you must trust completely whoever is in your video. That shouldn’t be too big of a deal since you should trust all of your sexual partners. Problem solved.

What if you find out that your face isn’t nearly as sexy as you’d always imagined? What if your thighs look fat in the missionary position? The truth is that this will probably happen to anyone in any porn they make. But the point of is not to look perfect, because no one does. It’s ok not to be as sexy as Jenna Jameson (and hey, you’ll always be sexier than Ron Jeremy).

Lastly, what if you get creeped out by watching yourself? This is again an issue of self-esteem. There’s no reason your porn video shouldn’t do more than turn you on. It can be used as an exercise in self-confidence. Watching it can remind you just how sexy you are. Look at how you pleasured your partner. Give yourself a hand each time you watch it (pun intended), and I guarantee your self-image will improve. Not to mention the fact that having confidence in your body could help you find a new pornography partner in the long run.

Maya Horowitz is The Flat Hat sex columnist. She can’t decide between majoring in film studies or production — she has a passion for both.

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