As I party hopped this weekend, I realized that Halloween is a wonderfully sexual holiday. Most people’s outfits leave little to the imagination, and, with costumes, there’s a built-in conversation starter: What are you dressed as? Putting on a theoretical or literal mask allows you to act differently than you normally would. But, alas, the bunny costumes have been put away for the winter. Things have been restored to their natural equilibrium — back to square one on the pickup calendar.
So, how does one pick up a hottie without the social lubricant of a sexy costume? This is an age-old question, and there are many answers. Unfortunately, there is no magic checklist for getting panties off. There are, however, a few general steps to initiate the bedroom boogie.
You’ve found someone you’d like to get to know, in the Biblical sense. You need to talk to them. How do you begin?
Confidence underlies any good pickup. You must be sure of your own sexual prowess. If you have to, give yourself a pep talk. “Come on, Maya, you’ve got this. You know your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.” If you can convince yourself of your attractiveness, you can convince someone else.
The next step is body language. Eye contact is a must. Staring into someone’s eyes lets them know you mean business. Once you’ve gotten them near you, concentrate on keeping your bodies aligned. Don’t let your eyes wander and don’t turn your back. Your body position can start a conversation — a real, carnal conversation.
Rewind. How do you get the person to talk to you? There are two obvious ways: You lure them in with smiles and eye contact or you man up and talk to them. I’m personally a fan of the second option. It cuts straight to the point. If they’re not interested, you know immediately and can move on to someone else.
But what do you open with? You can try the standard introduction and hope you find your way into something deeper. Careful with this, though. It can sometimes lead to the dead-end street of, “You’re from northern Virginia? No way. That’s really awesome. [awkward silence].”
You can spit a classic pickup line like, “Baby are you tired? ’Cause you’ve been running through my mind all night.” If you want to do that, I suggest saying it ironically. The line is an inherent compliment, and as long as it’s not too dirty, there is a fair chance that the object of your affection will be flattered and intrigued if they know you were only half-serious.
My favorite pickup method is just to be straightforward. Something like, “Hi, I’m Maya. You’re really cute, and I’d like to get to know you.” Or alternatively, “Hi, I’m Maya. You’re hot, and I’d like to give you my body as a present.” Whichever.
Perhaps an easier tactic would be to involve them in an activity: “Would you like to get some air?” or “Want to take a shot?” or “Let’s go sit over there.” This will help you see if they want to talk to you alone. It also relieves some awkwardness, since you’ll have something to focus on other than conversation.
Hopefully these tips will get your bodies bumping. Remember that just because you pick someone up, does not mean you’ve issued him or her a free pass to your own personal Busch Gardens. You can decide to abort the mission at any time. You don’t owe anyone anything, no matter how flirty you’ve been all night.
That being said, I hope you don’t have to abandon ship. All the sexual tension aroused by scandalous Halloween costumes needs to be released. Happy hunting.
__Maya Horowitz is the Flat Hat sex columnist. She is wondering if it hurt when you fell from heaven.__
