Behind Closed Doors: Let the hookups happen

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November 17, 2009

2:27 AM

You’re talking to a smoking hottie who keeps touching you seductively and giving you eyes. But your friend won’t go away. You offer to take her somewhere more private, and he insists on coming. Even worse, he’s acting stupid and making you look bad.

You, my dear friend, are being cock blocked.

When trying to make a move, a cockblock actively interrupts you. The experience is frustrating, to say the least. Both men and women can be cock blocked, despite the latter’s lack thereof.

Now, I don’t know of any research, but I would venture to say that cock blocking is a tradition as old as flirting itself. But what would love and sex be without obstacles? The key is to understand and then overcome them.

Why do friends carry out this heinous act? More often than not it is a result of ignorance. They’re just not paying attention to what they’re doing. The solution? Be on the lookout for possible partnerings. No one wants to be that guy. And you may lose your wingman privileges if you don’t watch yourself.

Sometimes, however, there are more sinister motivations. Some cockblocks are jealous of their friend, wanting him or her to be alone, too — misery loves company. Avoid these people. They are not worth taking out with you if they can’t share in your happiness.

If you are one of these people, stop it. Just cut it out. Focus on your own quest for poontang instead of impeding others. Think of the golden rule, and then add your penis into the equation.

Still other cock-blocking efforts are borne of good intentions. Maybe your friend consistently hooks up with people who are bad for him, and you’re trying to protect him. Or maybe she told you before going out to make sure she didn’t hook up with anyone.

Both of these reasons are flawed. It is very sweet to protect your friend, but we’re all grown ups here. Everyone has to learn to take care of himself or herself, and it is no one’s right to judge what’s OK for someone else. If you have a friend who consistently needs your cock-blocking services, reconsider your friendship.

In this circumstance, there is one exception: Intervening is completely justified if you think your friend is putting himself or herself in a dangerous position. In that case, cock block away.

What can you do if you’re being cock blocked? In the long term, you can stop going out with that friend. This may seem harsh, but if your friend can’t let you express your sexual side, he is not really your friend.

Careful, though; don’t blame your friend for being a cockblock if the real problem is you. The truth is that in most situations you can escape a cockblock if both partners are truly interested in hooking up.

The easiest step is to pull your friend aside and talk to him — or send a text. Chances are he didn’t know. If he did know, he’ll give you his reason for consciously cock blocking you, to which you can respond, “You’re not allowed to control my sex life,” and then stick your tongue out — or do something else equally mature.

If the adult way won’t work, get crafty. Pretend you have Jack Bauer’s balls and find an escape route. Pawn your friend off on another person. Step up your flirting to make him feel uncomfortable and left out. This is a noble struggle for the sake of your genitals. Fight hard, and I think you’ll find that your friend’s resolve will eventually break.

If we all do our part we can eradicate — or at least alleviate — this societal plague.

__Maya Horowitz is the Flat Hat sex columnist. She wants to remind you that only you can prevent cockblocks, and forest fires.__

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