Nine simple ways to elude Valentine’s Day loneliness

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February 12, 2010

1:40 AM

Valentine’s Day is sort of like sitting next to a stranger on a plane who won’t stop talking to you when there are ten empty seats but the stewardess won’t let you move. It’s annoying, but you have no choice but to suck it up and wait for it to be over. Sure, some of you might currently be dating the latest love of your life, but for those whose dating life is as unsuccessful as that of “Jersey Shore’s” Snooki, you might be bracing yourself for a lonely 24 hours. Don’t fret, here are some ideas on how you can actually enjoy your day without feeling sick from witnessing too much cutesy-wootsie behavior.

1. Run away — Take a flight from our quaint Williamsburg-Newport News airport as far as it will take you, which is probably not very far. Try to get to Mexico and drown your sorrows in margaritas with your new “friend” Francisco (or was it Roberto)? Either way, it’s bound to be a good time. But, if you are a poor struggling college student type, then this plan is not for you. Proceed to option two.

2. Run away (just not quite out of the country) — For those with less dinero, head to the units or the delis with your single friends. Be sophisticated and make rounds at all the most chic hotspots in town — the College Delly, Paul’s Deli, the Green Leafe Cafe — and then repeat. Remind yourself that, because you’re single, the following behaviors are still acceptable: drinking like it’s your 21st birthday, fist pumping excessively, and kissing the nearest attractive — or somewhat attractive — male or female.

3. Two words: Single Ladies — What better and more appropriate way to spend your time than filming your own version of Beyonce’s video. Don a black leotard — guys included — and perform your own rendition. Bask in the love of 100,000 anonymous YouTube hits after you post it.

4. Hoodoo Voodoo — The lyrics to Wilco’s song might not make much sense, but the band might have been onto something with the whole voodoo thing. At least that’s what the AMP Late Nite committee seems to think. Head out to AMP’s anti-Valentine’s Day party tomorrow at 9 p.m. in Lodge 1 and enjoy a summer camp-like atmosphere, complete with fun games (break-up bingo), arts and crafts (make your own voodoo dolls) and storytelling (anonymous tales about exes doing us wrong). As The Situation once wisely observed, “haterjuice is best served cold.” It’s clearly going to be an uplifting, feel-good kind of experience. All that’s missing is sitting around a campfire singing kumbay-you are lonely.

5. Creepy McCreepster — Who needs to be on “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette” when we have the wm.goodcrush.com service? It’s being offered by the Student Assembly and it involves a painfully simple process to locate your one true love: Log in, type in the e-mail of your crush, and they will get an email telling them they have an anonymous stalker, I mean, admirer. Then they type in the e-mail addresses of their crushes. If two mutual admirers match up, they both find out. It’s that simple.

6. Be in denial — Watch a movie or television show that a boyfriend or girlfriend would never want to watch. For ladies, go see “Valentine’s Day,” and guys, go see “Wolfman.” Guys should see something extra action filled or scary, something that girls hate — basically everything except for “The Notebook” or movies with Hugh Grant. Another option is to just play video games until you get carpal tunnel.

7. Mass textathon — Because nobody ever notices that it’s a mass text, right? Even though they might catch your insincerity, take the time to reconnect with family members, high school friends, etc. It will help you remember that having a significant other is not everything, just almost everything. At least it will knock off a few hours from the day.

8. GTL — Take care of the essentials: gym, tanning, laundry. Since nobody else will be paying extra attention to you, you can make up for it. Head to the Student Recreation Center and pump some iron at Body Pump. Maybe do some laundry, although this requires a lot of effort for the tired, single soul. As for tanning, nobody wants to date an Oompa Loompa — unless you’re Pauly D — so feel free to skip that one, too. But you can have a MySpace style photoshoot or write love poems — to yourself.

9. Reality check — Remind yourself that you are not the only single on campus. Band together with fellow singles, go out and have a good time. Let’s be honest, there are plenty of other whiny girls out there complaining about Valentine’s Day who would like some attention. (And you have to assume that there are guys who would like to meet said whiny girls.) The only prescription is more cowbell. No, actually it’s going out and meeting each other. Maybe you will make a friend, a special friend, or your future spouse — you never know. Also, feel free to crash any and all parties, because there might not be much else going on. While you’re out, be sure to carry a travel sized/airport security friendly voodoo doll in your pocket and wear sneakers in case you do decide to catch that flight to Cancun.

Don’t forget that you can actually have a decent, nay, tolerable day despite any strong aversions to love, the color red or cute stuffed animals. . Learn to embrace your single status and maybe you won’t have to read this column next year. Or maybe you will be writing it. Either way, make sure you say hello to the lone girl or girl at the bar in Mexico wearing black and folding laundry.

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