Behind Closed Doors: Getting naked and going green

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March 2, 2010

1:45 AM

Recently, the world has become obsessed with “going green,” and as a result, the College of William and Mary has acquired the same passion. The College has an eco-friendly house in the basement of Landrum Hall, participation in the “Do One Thing” campaign has increased tremendously over the last few weeks — I mean, who doesn’t like free aluminum water bottles — and let us not forget the expansive vegetarian and vegan population. In honor of our environmental campaign, I have an announcement: Eco-friendly sex toys do exist. Who knew? Regular sex toys are made of polyvinyl chlorides and phthalates — translation for you non-chemistry majors: chemicals that pollute our air and contribute to the deaths of ducks, squirrels and other cute animals. Research has even shown a positive correlation between phthalates cancer, and harm to the human reproductive system. Since I don’t want you to come and go at the same time, it is time to throw out your old pollution-ridden toys and start shopping for Earth-saving sex machines.

To begin our journey down environmentally friendly lane, we will start with the own Solar Sensations Micro Kitty Strap-On. You place the strap-on in the sun for approximately five hours and, once solar charged, it lasts for over two hours. Adding a solar-powered vibrator to the mix of rechargeable vibrators, organic lubes and other goods already available is just another way to green your sex.

Solar energy is an effective alternative to chemical energy. Along with heating up appliances, it can also spice up sex life by producing warm and happy, well, happy parts.

Another sex product to add to your green list is a Mamba condom. (Side note: This is not a snakeskin condom so do not be alarmed.) Mamba condoms are ozone friendly, biodegradable, vegan and fully-effective. Although there are no animal products in the condom, you can still maintain your animal-like activities while passionately boinking.

Using herbs to sizzle the atmosphere is a natural and erotic way to set the mood. Ginseng — found in lotions, shampoos and conditioners — stimulates sex hormones, causing them to bounce wildly within your pleasure system. These products are useful when massaging an aching back, lubing up for a night to remember, or showering with unexpected company. Often priced nicely, these sexual toiletries are easily obtainable for college students. After all, using our parents’s well-earned money on expensive kava kava root so we can get it on is unacceptable — unless in case of extreme periods of sexual inactivity. Ginseng incense is also available, but be careful not to light it in the dorm. Hotel rooms, off-campus housing, or the woods offer free reign for firing up body-bumping herbs.

Anal sex has become an interesting trend among our generation. Surprisingly, there are even naturally safe appliances available for having rump sex.

The Pfun plug is a sleek stainless steel toy made to easily slip in. Other frisky play things include wooden sex toys — finally, something useful that grows on trees. These all-natural toys are useful for all types of sex, affordable, and easy to clean. You don’t have to worry about getting splinters in hard to reach places, and they don’t require much lube because of their smooth finish. Many of the wooden toys have ridges and a hole for enhanced fingering. A natural way to facilitate a natural occurrence — ah, true love at last.

A great person once said anticipation makes the penis harder, and sex can be much kinkier with your clothes on. With that said, wouldn’t you want the clothes you wear to be eco-friendly? Why not keep organic undies on when doing the do? Under garments made out of organic hemp, silk and recycled fabrics come in lacy, skimpy and pleasing-to-the-eye varieties. They are becoming more and more popular among those looking to add sex appeal to the green campaign.

To complement the green toys and undies, add some eco-friendly bed sheets. Made out of organic cotton or bamboo, these sheets are comfortable, environmentally savvy, and slick for trying out positions like the twisted doggy — it’s done exactly how it sounds.

When your imagination is running low and you’ve gone from exotic to fellatio, add some green toys to the mix, and I am sure you will get your fix.

__Adreanne Stephenson is a Flat Hat sex columnist. She is not a member of SEAC, but she does what she can to support the environment in her own way.__

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