The ancient art of the sex fart

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March 26, 2010

7:31 PM

My name is Greg Glazier and I’m a vegetarian. I eat vegetables all the time. Raw, cooked, peeled, chopped, in a stir-fry, in a casserole – I can’t get enough! The Sadler Center salad bar and I are old friends. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just a bunch of cucumber rinds on the inside. The best present you could give me is a bag of spinach and a handful of chickpeas. Get the picture?

There’s a whole slew of reasons I could give you as to why I chose vegetarianism – political, nutritional, moral, blah blah blah – but what I really want to focus on is something quite personal. Being a vegetarian makes me, well, gassy.
I don’t know if all vegetarians are as gassy as I am. Maybe it comes with the territory, or maybe it’s just my specific body chemistry that causes my beloved veggies to transform me into a helium balloon after one bite. Either way, I think it’s better if I speak for myself from now on.

And if this post hasn’t gotten personal enough, let me take it one step farther. Gassy sex is THE WORST! You’re swollen and inflated when you want your body to be sexy and pleasurable. Maybe one day I’ll be comfortable enough with myself/my partner/my sexuality/etc. etc. to let out a big ol’ fart in the heat of the moment (I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who do this on the regular and think it’s no big thing), but I’m not there yet. I’m not at a place where I can say to the person I’m having sex with “Hey, do you mind if we pause all the awesome stuff we’re doing so I can cut the cheese?” Talk about a mood-killer. Unless you’re into that!

But anyway, here’s my problem: I love vegetables, but I also love sex. Or maybe it’s more accurate for me to write: I love vegetables, and I love farting, and I love feeling sexy, and I love having sex. How can I unite all these things about which I’m so, so passionate? How can we reconcile those moments in our lives in which we have the chance of having exciting, satisfying, safe sex when we feel the exact opposite of sexy?

Like, for instance, what about post-workout sex? A dear friend of mine confided in me that he loves hooking up right after he works out because he gets turned on by the way he smells and the way his muscles feel. For me, on the other hand, the first thing I want after I exercise is a long shower and lots of soap and deodorant. Or what about when your back hurts, or you have a sunburn, or you smell bad, or you just finished a huge paper and all you want to do is take a nap? Have you ever just sucked it up and had sex with your partner, even though you just don’t feel like it?

What do you all say? Have there been times when you want sex but are feeling completely the opposite of sexy? And what about all those readers who aren’t in a sexual relationship, or for whom sex may not be easily attainable: do you ever think about your general level of sexiness, and how feeling sexy might pertain to whether or not you’d get laid? Have you ever been in a situation in which a person you have sex with regularly tells you they’re just not feeling it right then? How did you react?

And finally, have I exposed myself as a total prude and fart-fearer? Am I missing out on membership to an exclusive but incredibly pleasurable circle of people who pass gas during sex? Please share your thoughts in the comments!

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