Alright readers, let’s inhale through our noses on three: one…two…three! That’s it, get a big whiff. Smell that? Do you? It’s summer! Summer’s almost here! She’s tempting us, tugging at our elbows like a kid sister and whispering “close that textbook, shut that laptop, come pour yourself a drink and sit in the sunshine and smoke a cigarette and text your friends.” We’re so close, readers! And yet (cue overused wistful pause) so far. So to get us over the hump (teehee) of exams, I offer up the following list of the 5 types of gay men you’ll meet at the College of William & Mary. Yes, this is reductive and problematic and totally offensive – but whatever. This is a fluff piece and meant to entertain more than educate. Don’t take this seriously, but like kinda take it seriously. As with all stereotypes, there’s probably some truth buried somewhere around here.
1. The out-and-proud gay guys – Born with a boner and a swaddled in a rainbow flag, these gay guys are the most visible on campus. And that’s the point! They love being gay, they love being in yo’ face about being gay, and they’re probably the most vocal members of your Intro to Women’s Studies class. Observing these gay guys often feels like observing a 7th grade girl go through puberty at lightning speed, so remember to duck if you want to avoid the lipstick and mascara wand hurtling past. Sex with this type of gay guy will be frenetic, abrasive, and he’ll definitely finish too soon (it was probably his first time anyway). Afterwards there’s a good chance he’ll ask you to stay and watch the VHS copy of his high school performance as Perchik in “Fiddler.” Oy gevalt.
2. Providing the funhouse-mirror reflection to the out-and-proud gay guy is the addict gay guy. Weak and malnourished from a four-day weekend bender, this gay guy is just as identifiable as our first type. However, while the out-and-prouder is a glittery disco ball of sunshine and gay pride, the addict hates the light of day almost as much as he hates himself. You’ll find this member of our college community crouching in a dark dorm room nursing a hangover, possibly with a telltale smear of blue Adderall dust tumbling from his destroyed nasal septum. The addict gay guy spends his time skipping class and day drinking, cruising Craigslist and hooking up with military tops from Fort Eustis. Although he’s led an adventurous life and will always have a good story to tell, this gay guy will forever reek of cigarette smoke and suffers from whiskey dick like nobody’s business. Sex with this gay guy will only occur after a couple dozen g&t’s, if at all.
3. Sporty gay guys – from the lumbering masses waddling back and forth between the Caf and the Rec Center weight room to their streamlined brothers running track or rowing crew, these guys are probably the most cruise-worthy on the list. Slobber over their athletic bodies all you wish, but good luck trying to date one! Sporty gay guys are more likely to ask you to spot them at the bench press than to ask you out for coffee. And should you find yourself interacting with them on any sort of intellectual level, come equipped with the knowledge that your knowledge will be undesired and unnecessary. Sporty gay guys want little more than other hard bodies on which they may brush up, and most likely the highest math they’ve ever calculated is protein percentage in a bowl filled with hardboiled eggs from Sadler. Sex with these guys might fulfill some sort of muscle-worship thing you’ve been fostering ever since you saw Vin Diesel in The Fast and the Furious, but only until you realize these dudes are just masturbating with you instead of their hand. Beautiful to look at, yeah, but supremely unfulfilling.
4. Fratty gay guys – another easy target to lambast, fratty gay guys are all about brotherhood and loyalty and drinking together with their loyal brothers. And living with their brothers. In the Units. All together. Naked! Just kidding (aaam I?). Fratty gay guys were probably drawn to these institutions of manly camaraderie because they offer a smorgasbord of horny dudes lookin’ to get drunk and handjobbed. Once you get past the inherently homosexual nature of all Greek life, though, you’ll start to value the gay guys brave enough to be open about their sexuality. They’re like tiny gay lighthouses in a sea of homophobic bros. Hang on to these men for dear life – they’ve already proven themselves worthy. Howevuh, for every openly gay frat guy there are a bazillion more squirming in the closet, a closet smelling like Axe, Miller High Life and last night’s vomit.
5. Which segues nicely into my final type: closet cases! An umbrella term arching over the heads of so many William & Williams, “closet case” refers to but is not limited to the following lost souls: your hall mate that pisses with the stall door open; the dude you see out almost every weekend and who always awkwardly bums a cigarette from you until his buddies come to reclaim him; the guy at the gym who’s always on the elliptical; the one shirtless dude playing Frisbee on the Sunken Gardens when all his friends are fully clothed; the skinny blonde who holds his (airquotes) girlfriend’s hand at the Grind but orders a tall skim strawberry chai latte no whip; the guy in your Psychology class who asks to borrow your notes and compliments your handwriting; the slow-walking boy you ended up stuck behind on the way back from the CW bookstore with a zodiac sign tattooed on his right ankle; etc etc etc! By far the most frustrating type on this list, closet cases are the worst because they just. Don’t. Get it! Any gay guy worth his salt knows how to spot another sodomite – and we see you! And we know you! We were there once, maybe we’re still there now, but we definitely know you! And we feel for you! And we’ll giggle at you when you can’t bring yourself to make eye contact with us, and we’ll roll our eyes when we see that you’re “interested in women” on Facebook, but don’t worry: there’s a soft spot in our hearts for you, little sister. You have until graduation.
So there you have it. The top 5 types of gay guys you’ll meet at William & Mary. We’re all messed-up, pathetic, needy, absurd human beings looking for love in the big little city. We make mistakes along the way, yaddah yaddah, we cling to certain identity categories because they’re comforting and provide stability, yadda yaddah. Let’s just call it like it is: gay guys at William & Mary are just like their straight counterparts. We (gay and straight people alike) are all simultaneously fascinating and boring, so easily typecast because, well, uniqueness is dead. And we’ve killed it. And we’ve enjoyed killing it. This is the stuff of life, and isn’t it better to joke about it than to mourn it?
So anyway, this is Greg signing off for the summer. Live well, fellow TWAMPs. And, as always, leave your thoughts in the comments.