Behind Closed Doors: Summer lovin’, had me a blast

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April 27, 2010

3:54 AM

As summer nears and you slip into your itsy bitsy, teeny weenie, yellow polka dot bikini — or your bulge-revealing lime green Speedo thong — it is important to consider your options. For many, the summer is a chance to reunite with the girlfriend or boyfriend from back home. In this case, pretty much anything will be an awesome experience. After all, it has been clinically proven that distance makes the heart grow fonder.
For others, it means leaving your boyfriend or girlfriend behind. Those College of William and Mary lovers who reside in different cities, states, or continents have to make these last three weeks count. Spend time watching movies, sharing meals and making passionate whoopee while you still can. When you are caught in the depths of those restless summer nights, send your boo a late night text or make a phone call to plan your next visit or hookup. Discuss exactly what positions you plan on trying out in obscure areas such as deserted, heavily wooded parks or the beach.

Now, for my free agents: “Oh yeah, let’s do it.” Summer is the most popular season for cruise lines. I went on my first cruise in the beginning of April, and I highly recommend it. To make your vacation unforgettable find a Carnival cuddle buddy, get some Norwegian nookie, or try out the Royal Caribbean body bump.
On the ship there are a lot of places to get it on. Whether it’s in a deck chair at 6 a.m. or in the beautiful elevator on the way to your floor, a single person on a cruise is bound to be in for a remarkable ride, literally.

If you aren’t cruising but are going home this summer, hook up with an old high school buddy you run into at the local grocery store. Get his or her number, call it — duh — and you could have a midnight trip down memory lane — or midday creep if you are unemployed.

Whoever you decide to do the dirty with, there are a few things you should bring on your way out the door. Both male and females should bring a condom and gum. It is not the sole responsibility of the male to provide protective measures; it’s a two way street. A woman’s preparedness can prevent the interruption of making a store run.

For women, have a comb and headscarf in your bag. If you just got your hair done — braids, silk wrap, spiral curls — it’s highly acceptable to say, “Pause the festivities … I need to wrap my hair, BRB.” It takes all of five minutes.

Don’t bother packing lip gloss or Burt’s Bees. Inevitably it will end up all over your partner’s face, and guys find that annoying. For men, KY massage oil — the travel-sized bottle — is something to stick in your pocket before bang time.

Whether you are singing “Reunited and it feels so good,” “I don’t wanna leave, but I gotta go right now” or “It’s just a one night stand; I like it when you want it again,” the summer goes by too quickly to let your chance thrust go by. Enjoy cruising for cuties — but don’t yell “all aboard” once you get on the boat since that’s desperate and unattractive to all parties. Good luck with your summer ventures, and bring me back a souvenir — preferably from Freeport Bahamas if you hit boner jackpot.

__Adreanne Stephenson is the Flat Hat sex columnist. She is sure that her insy winsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini will come in handy this summer.__

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