Behind Closed Doors: Hands to yourself

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September 13, 2010

11:15 PM

It stands to reason that the more you do something, the better you become at it. When you want to improve at a sport, you practice and train tirelessly. It’s the reason our football team has two-a-days in Williamsburg’s death-wrenching August heat. Likewise, a pianist practices and performs for years on end to master his or her craft. The same principle applies to sex acts. No guy can just wake up one day and decide to wrap up his fertile meat-stick and wield it like pornstar Peter North. In many cases, it is difficult for any young male TWAMP to display his dominance in the bedroom during the early stages of his sexual career. A few factors that result in such poor performance are nervousness, premature ejaculation and inexperience. However, through trial and error — probably more error — we young TWAMPS will hopefully acquire the skills to turn every girl’s sexual fantasy into a reality.

However, until this confidence and experience is gained, men can fall back on something they have practiced since puberty — masturbation. Every guy has been practicing this instinctive, intimate act since the onset of puberty. In essence, we have become masters of our own skill much like the pianist and the Tribe football team. Due to such unique dexterity, the bottom line is that no girl — I don’t care if you’re Jenna Jameson or Megan Fox — can give a perfect hand job. Hence, a hand job is a man’s job.

Most guys cringe when a girl is performing this act, because they want to jump straight to a blowjob or sex. Many girls think they can execute a hand job efficiently, and they have all sorts of strategies and positions — the double-fister, the Eskimo hand rub, the ping pong, the two-finger cork screw, the swizzle stick, the reach around, the frozen rope, the never-ending tunnel, the keep your hand still while the guy thrusts his hips, the mobile glory hole — and the list goes on and on. Yet, no matter what a girl does or what a guy says, I can guarantee you that he is either putting on a happy face or trying to raise your confidence or giving you “the stare.” The stare is an innate, common expression that truly represents every feeling of frustration, pain and boredom. The stare is the equivalent of a lighthouse stuck in the middle of an ocean hoping that the lost ship will see the powerful light and change direction towards a different course.
The only way a girl can improve her performance during this struggle is by not performing a hand job at all. So ladies, the next time you are hooking up with a guy, remember — a hand job is a man’s job.

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