Almost Relevant: Stump The Barnes

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September 26, 2010

12:08 PM

Last week was a banner week for The Barnes. Not only did he get 11 of 16 games right — and really, can we expect him to do any better — but he also wiped the floor with Flat Hat opinions editor Elizabeth DeBusk.

This week, Barnes faces his stiffest challenge to date in Timothy William Hatton. Tim is the publicist of William and Mary’s Shakespeare in the Dark club. He has been described as a hipster by people who know him well, and although Tim denies that he is a hipster, his love of PBR’s and his ironic sense of humor speak volumes.

(This is the part where I apologize to Tim, my friend, for calling him a hipster (he hates hipsters) and tell you to check out Shakespeare in the Dark. The club’s members are currently preparing for their first show, Shakespeare’s “Julius Caesar,” which will run sometime later during the Fall. Shakespeare in the Dark is full of wonderful, talented people. Check them out.)

Tim expressed his hesitance in picking games because he doesn’t know much about football, but then again, one could argue that Barnes doesn’t either. Thus, Tim represents the best hope this week to (say it together boys and girls) stump The Barnes.

P.S. No control group this week because someone threw away my notes after I left the office Thursday. I’m looking at you, Barnes.

New York Giants vs. Tennessee
Barnes: New York because I watched Vince Young get pulled last week. I think he had four turnovers last week.
Tim: I guess I’m going to have to say New York as well. I have no other reason that comes to mind except the North won the war.

Buffalo vs. New England
Barnes: Do I even have to say this? I’m going with New England.
Tim: I’m going Buffalo because I have so much residual hate left for the Patriots after their consecutive win streak. I’m pretty sure they beat the Eagles during that time period, and the Eagles are like my favorite team.

Baltimore vs. Cleveland
Barnes: I like Baltimore. They had a tough loss last week and Ray Lewis is going to try to kill someone.
Tim: I went to Baltimore once and the drivers are so hostile and the crime was so rampant, so I’m going to go Cleveland. I just don’t like Baltimore.

Pittsburgh vs. Tamp Bay
Barnes: I’m going Tampa Bay on this one. I don’t like Charlie Batch.
Tim: I’m going Tampa Bay too because pirates are cool. That’s the best I can come up with. Pirates are cool.

Cincinnati vs. Carolina
Barnes: I’m going to go Cincinnati because I think they’re a good team.
Tim: I like Cincinnati. The city is name after my favorite Roman hero, Cincinnatus. You ever heard of him? Well he was awesome.

New Orleans vs. Atlanta
Barnes: This is kind of a tough one. I’m going to go with New Orleans, even though they have not been playing extremely well. I think that Atlanta is down to the third string running back will hurt.
Tim: I have to go with New Orleans too. My favorite memory of two summers ago was I got to drink excessive amounts of booze in the streets of New Orleans. Bourbon street, it’s legal to drink in the middle of the street. They endeared themselves to me for allowing me to do that.

San Francisco vs. Kansas City
Barnes: I have to go with San Francisco. After the way they lost on Monday night, I think they are going to come out strong.
Tim: I’m going with Kansas City because I have to stop agreeing with him, and the way San Francisco lost means that they’re losers.

Minnesota vs. Detroit
Barnes: If Stafford were starting, I would pick the Lions because I hate Brett Favre, but I have to go with Minnesota.
Tim: Detroit because Lions are cool. Also, I don’t like Brett Favre either. You say you’re going to retire, just do it. Quit bothering everyone.

Houston vs. Dallas
Barnes: Houston because they are really good. Plus, I hate Dallas.
Tim: Is it possible to say both and write, “Remember the Alamo?” I am going to call a tie and say remember the Alamo.

Washington vs. St. Louis
Barnes: Washington. You didn’t even have to ask.
Tim: I am going to pick Washington too because Donovan McNabb plays for Washington now and I love Donovan McNabb. I have since I was a kid. That is going to be my only legitimate response.

Philadelphia vs. Jacksonville
Barnes: Philadelphia. Mike Vick.
Tim: A lot of old people live in Florida. I’ve always liked Philadelphia, but I don’t hate old people. So it’s like, what do I choose, old people or Philadelphia? I’m going to pick Jacksonville, because the weather is nice down there I assume.

Indianapolis vs. Denver
Barnes: I don’t really trust Denver, so I’m going to go with Indy.
Tim: I’m going to go Denver because I have family who lives outside of Denver. Also, they’re the Broncos right? I totally dig horses. I’ve been riding horses since I was a kid. That’s my reason, horses equals good things.

San Diego vs. Seattle
Barnes: I don’t really want to pick this game, but I’ll go with Pete Carroll and Seattle.
Tim: I’m going to go with San Diego because I hate hipsters. And Seattle is full of them.

Arizona vs. Oakland
Barnes: I’m going to say Oakland because I think the Raiders are also going to realize the fact that Jason Campbell is not a starter.
Tim: Arizona, because I’ve been to Oakland and it seems kind of like the asshole of California. I don’t want to offend anybody from Oakland, but first impressions and all.

Miami vs. New York Jets
Barnes: Miami because I’m not sure whether Sanchez’ performance last week was a fluke or not.
Tim: I’m sticking with Miami because Florida looks like a penis. Also, my friends are huge Jets fans. They hate Miami really hard. So I’m going to pick Miami.

Green Bay vs. Chicago
Barnes: Chicago. Jay Cutler is starting to look like a real quarterback.
Tim: Chicago. They have good pizza.

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