Behind Closed Doors: Gunning for grenades

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November 9, 2010

1:08 AM

Let’s take a step back in time: You just received your acceptance letter to the College of William and Mary. You are overcome with emotion, and ready to tackle the odyssey that is college — academics, partying, learning about yourself and making mistakes and memories.

Now let’s move three months into the first semester: After the hype of college has diminished, you realize that your surroundings are a lot different than what you expected. There are no massive keggers on the raging streets of Colonial Williamsburg, nor are there Van Wilder type parties hosted by the crew from Animal House. Instead, we are in the midst of hostile drinking environment that truly brings down our school’s overall rage factor. A combination of very smart kids plus social outcasts plus strict rules plus alcohol equals a grenade-friendly environment. This phrase has been inculcated into society after the MTV show “Jersey Shore” made it popular. A grenade refers to a … person of less desirable stature. For some odd reason, the College is a hotbed of grenades and is coincidentally known as a minefield. Every night when students venture out of their dorms and onto the battlefield they are at risk of encountering a grenade, or worse, a roadside bomb, or even worse, a nuke. There are three factors that contribute to blowing up a grenade, which can lead to shrapnel wounds and the honor of a purple heart: beer goggles, William and Mary goggles and the cheerleader effect.

First, Beer Goggles. Alcohol Edu informs us that after one alcoholic beverage our judgment and memory is impaired, resulting in mistakes. Hopefully these mistakes don’t lead to an early pregnancy, but they may lead to a purple heart. As a result, moderate your drinking to avoid any awkward encounters you may regret the next day or in the near future.

Similar to beer goggles, but more specific to Williamsburg, are a specific kind of beer goggles known as William and Mary goggles: In such a small school, our odds of finding an attractive mate are already reduced, but the onset of grenades roaming the campus makes the task more arduous. Hence, our eyesight tends to adjust to this new environment.

And finally, we have the cheerleader effect. This universal phenomenon has exponentially increased the productivity of grenades throughout the world. Many of you are probably wondering what this effect is, and I shall explain. Lets set up a scenario: College: no parents, lots of parties, you’re over the age of 21 and decide to go out and have fun at an off campus party. When you arrive there, you immediately realize you are way too sober to interact with these people so you begin to drink … and drink. After meeting some new people you come across a group, but to you there is only one person who stands out. If you’re lucky, you hook up with him or her, but the next morning you realize your injuries and wounds from the night resulted from a grenade. Why did this happen? When a group of people congregates together, the prettiest stands out.

Grenades are very scary and can be fatal, but do not falter. The College is a great place with many interesting people, and if you are able to find that needle in the haystack hold onto him or her. Looks are very superficial, and if you watch the movie “Shallow Hal” you will see that beauty is not defined by looks. Just be wary of the lure of a grenade and avoid a nuke at all costs.

__Andrew Canakis is a Flat Hat sex columnist. He believes love is a battlefield.__

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