Behind Closed Doors: Show some love to your ta-tas

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February 19, 2015

10:25 PM

This column goes out to all the ladies and their lovely racks. Whether you raise a glass or pour one, today we do it for all the breasts out there — boobs are wonderful and should be celebrated for all that they do. They nourish wee babes, make great pillows when comforting a friend, and manage to look fantastic through all that life throws at them.

However, I know a lot of us may feel a little insecure about our ta-tas. Who can blame us? The media feels the need to brainwash us into believing that boobs are meant to be perfectly round, bouncy and perky at all times. We’re told by Victoria’s Secret that unless our “over-the-shoulder boulder-holder” is pink, lace and full of padding, there’s no hope for any of us in life. It’s easy for us to forget that most of the boobs we see when we flip through magazines are airbrushed and padded in order to achieve the optimal amount of cleavage. We need a reminder that breasts come in all shapes, colors and sizes, and no matter what are absolutely beautiful.

We’re told by Victoria’s Secret that unless our “over-the-shoulder boulder-holder” is pink, lace and full of padding, there’s no hope for any of us in life.

I know nothing is weirder than having a stranger tell you your boobs are fantastic, but I promise I’m not the weird townie you ran into at the bars last weekend. I’m simply a believer in self-love and all it entails, including your rack. Whether you think they’re too small or too big, too droopy or too lopsided, when it comes to our breasts we all probably have some kind of critique. But, when it comes down to it, your cans weren’t meant to look like everyone else’s.

I was always worried that my milkshakes wouldn’t bring any boys to the yard, because they weren’t big or close together enough to produce cleavage a la Nicki Minaj. But as I’ve grown older and more experienced in the ways of the world, I’ve learned it’s not about how many people your milkshakes bring to the yard. It is about loving your cans, even though they might not look like Kate Upton’s.

Still not feeling the love for your boobs, despite my words of wisdom and well-placed Kelis reference? Have no fear. Everyone has insecurities, and they certainly don’t go away in an instant. If your bee stings are bringing you down, take the time to show them a little TLC. For example, I always feel a little bit better about myself when I’m wearing a bra that fits exceptionally well. Treat yourself to a piece of lingerie to get you and your boobies feeling fine and fabulous (La Perla, anyone?). Or maybe try to take the alternative route and ditch the bra for a change. The no-bra look was all the rage back in the day (has anyone else seen “Friends”?), and I’d say it is prime time to bring the trend back. Though bras can be great for keeping our goodies in place, they can be ridiculously uncomfortable at times. Free your ta-tas and see if that gives you a new outlook on life.

There is no time like the present to practice a little self-love, whether your insecurities are about your breasts, booty or even your brain. In fact, I challenge you to take this advice and show a little extra love to whatever you may be insecure about. I know I’m not the only one in this big world who thinks every single inch of you is incredible and who wants you to feel radiant all day every day. And when you get a chance, be sure to tell your boobs you love them. Give them an encouraging pat or a loving squeeze, because both you and your boobies rock.

Mallory W. is a Behind Closed Doors columnist who loves her rack whether or not her milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard.

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  • Mallory W