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Behind Closed Doors: Faking it ’til you make it isn’t the best orgasm policy

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September 21, 2015

10:27 PM

There are times in life when you just have to fake it ‘til you make it. Sex should never be one of those times. Yet, faked orgasms continue to happen far too frequently.

As demonstrated to us in one of my favorite movies, “When Harry Met Sally,” it is almost too easy to fake an orgasm. What intrigues me is not how to fake orgasm, but why people do so in the first place.

So, why do we do it? It solves nothing. By faking your climax, you do not reach your peak of sexual pleasure, and your partner does not know you did not experience it, so the sex never gets better, and you wind up in a vicious cycle of faking it and hoping that if you just keep faking it one day you will make it.

But you don’t. And you won’t. Because your partner thinks they are satisfying you, so they will continue to do what they think is making you feel good, when, really, they’re making you feel kind of good at best (and really not good at worst).

So I’ll ask again: why do it? Just talking about faking it and never making it makes me feel dissatisfied, so I cannot imagine that we do it to achieve pleasure. Those of us who have faked orgasm before know it is anything but pleasurable. It is a distinct lack of pleasure.

Recently, I have spent a lot of time considering this question, and I have come up with many answers for why the practice of faking climax is so widely spread.

First, a lot of people feel bad when they do not orgasm. They feel guilty; they think they should be able to reach this peak. It can be difficult and embarrassing to admit to your partner that you are not achieving your sexual climaxes. You don’t want to make your partner feel bad for not being able to make you orgasm, especially if you think that it is your fault that you are not reaching that climax (which, by the way, is usually not the case).

Don’t deprive yourself of the wall-paper-peeling pleasure that a truly great orgasm can give you. Talk to your partner.

Also, people don’t know how to talk about it, how to tell their partner in the middle of sex they aren’t totally feeling it. I’ll admit, it can be really hard to do. There is this general perception that talking about the sex you are having with your partner is awkward. Let me tell you though, it really does not have to be. The most sexy and intimate moments I have ever experienced have begun with phrases like, “Does this feel good?” and “I want you to touch me there.” Sometimes all it takes to get you where you want to be is saying, “Wait, no, not there — there.”

If you are struggling with climaxing, be explicit. Say exactly what you want. Come up with words or phrases (that are easy to say during sex) to communicate what feels good, what doesn’t feel great, and when you just want to be done. It can be as simple as “yes,” “no,” and “stop,” but you can come up with something more personal if that helps decrease any sense of awkwardness for you.

A very wise person once told me that sex should always be about “toe-curling orgasms.” Sex should be about feeling so good you have to grab hold of something to keep yourself together. It should be about two (or more, whatever floats your boat) people coming together with the intention of blowing each other’s minds with how out-of-this-world good they make each other feel. Faking orgasm is not an effective means to that end.

Don’t deprive yourself of the wall-paper-peeling pleasure that a truly great orgasm can give you. Talk to your partner. If you need to spend some time really learning each others bodies, do that. If you need to try something new, do that. Really, truly great sex takes work, and it takes work from both sides. But, boy oh boy, the reward makes that work totally and completely worth it.

Katelyn R. is a Behind Closed Doors columnist who wants her toe-curling pleasure to be 100 percent real.

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  • Katelyn R.