Behind Closed Doors: Navigating the complexities of loft-bed loving

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October 9, 2017

10:41 PM

Let’s face it, in most cases of on-campus living here at William and Mary, the dorm rooms aren’t as much living spaces as they are glorified refrigerator boxes, overfilled with two near adults and an excessive volume of trinkets that were falsely believed to become useful one day.  Albeit, in Yates and Jefferson they are refrigerated refrigerator boxes, but refrigerator boxes nonetheless. And so, on move-in day, the idea of having so much room for extra activities successfully seduces its creator and the decision to have bunk beds/a loft is made.  When the deed is done, there is an air of freshness about the room and you revel in the furniture void area that you have created.

However, as anyone with a lofted bed will tell you, there comes a time where all of the awkward intercourse filled with heads hitting ceilings and nearly plummeting five feet to certain death must come to an end. In an effort to alleviate any worry that one might run out of practical methods to have a good time in bed, below is a compilation of tried and true sex positions designed for the lofted twin XL.  Hope you enjoy.

The obvious first is a low and close missionary.  One member lying on their back with legs open and the other is on top.  It would definitely help to use a clasp approach of the top person hooking their arms underneath of the other’s shoulders while the lower of the two wraps their arms and legs around the one on top.

The next is commonly referred to as “the wet laundry” or the “low hanging fruit.”  One person lays on their stomach, perpendicular to the head of the bed, and bends at the waist off of the bed.  The other is on their knees behind the first person, kneeling in between the other’s legs for a bent doggy style.  For safety purposes, person one could have a stable figure such as a chair or desk to prop their hands against, and person two could push one hand against the ceiling and have the other anchor person one from the lower back or an ankle.

The next is sometimes called the “yin-yang,” or, for a more explicit name, the sideways 69.  If the title isn’t enough explanation, just lay in a feet to head fashion and proceed with beautiful, oral pleasure.

While this one is neither creative nor in the bed, this list would be incomplete without the “loft in space.”  This is a standing position with one person standing behind the other.  The member in front can rest their hands on the top bunk to help with balance while placing a foot on a chair for comfortability.

This is one of the less well known of the small area positions and we’ll just call it “the hip swivel.” To start, person one is on their stomach on the mattress.  Person two puts straddles person one’s right leg, swinging the other around himself like a belt, leaving person one with a flat torso and swiveled hips.

This last one is just a touch more complicated than our previous examples.  It is well known as “the spider.”  It involves both parties starting in a crab walk position, that is sitting down with hands behind the body for support with legs bent in front.  After putting the sets of legs about the waist of each other, use hands and hips for motion assistance and voilà.

Now that you have a substantial repertoire for the top bunk to pull from, be sure to remember not to confine yourself to the bed when there are so many other creative ways to go twenty toes in the dorm room.  With a chair, a desk, and a tall closet, the possibilities are endless.

William W. is a Behind Closed Doors columnist who wants to help you maximize your dorm space and your pleasure.

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  • William W.

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