Oh my goodness, what the hell is on my chin (nose, cheek, jaw)?!
No, it’s not a staph infection; it’s that dry, rough, scaly, discolored remnant of a makeout with a bearded dude. The kiss-chafe is just one of the many terrible side effects of wretched facial hair.

As No Shave November begins, we brace ourselves for the influx of hairy cheeks and regrettable ’staches. Granted, this month-long celebration of virility is mostly ironic, kitsch and silly: the great mystery lies in the men who desire the facial hair lifestyle the other 11 months.

Under the school’s anti-hazing policy, fraternities and other groups cannot force or mandate that members be clean-shaven. There is a new Beta Theta Pi who, despite the general good grooming habits of the other brothers, continues to have questionable facial hair. How this happens, nobody knows — and believe me, the fate of the hair has been discussed at length in several different venues. While I know there is nothing to be done on the hazing level, I implore you — a capella groups, frats, performance organizations — let the perils of facial hair be known to your members.

For one thing, facial hair can exhibit disease-like symptoms; it is often blotchy, discolored, rough and unsightly. Valtrex anyone?
Speaking of nether regions, chin pubes are the worst — those little hairs that are more reminiscent of an elderly woman than a strapping young man do nothing for the masculinity of anyone.

Yet sometimes all the peer pressure in the world won’t separate a man from his face-locks. I’m tempted to publicly (I like to pretend my column is widely read) humiliate every be-pubed face on campus, but unfortunately the list is too long. Instead, this is a call to arms. A call to razors. A call to sensitive-skin Nair.

I once gave an old boyfriend one of those electric razors that oozed goo. The allure of the gadget overcame the allure of rough facial hair, and my skin was rejuvenated before prom. Subsequently we broke up, the beard came back and his new girlfriend says she likes it.

I guess that means they deserve each other, because any woman who likes facial hair is clearly a little coo-coo-kachoo. Yes please, I’d like scruffy hair rubbing on my face (and elsewhere). And yes, the porn ’stache is really a selling point to my parents. Sally, while you’re struggling to find the perfect gift for clean-shaven Dave, look no further than some mustache wax and beard trimmers — they’re so convenient!

I also do not believe the guys who trout the convenience of facial hair. First and foremost, how long does it take to shave, really? Girls are expected to keep a certain level of hairlessness on a larger surface area and yet, the 15 minutes of facial upkeep is too much to ask of a guy? Additionally, if done correctly, beard and mustache maintenance is a science and an art, as unfortunate and upsetting as that may be.

There are so many things working against our generation. We are touted as apathetic, lazy, privileged, disconnected, uninvolved and now, I hate to say, bearded. The world is creepy enough without the aesthetics of a peeping Tom.

For the general advancement of our peer group, remember: Vote or Die. Shave or Grave.

Charlotte Savino is a Confusion Corner columnist. She recommends Gillette Quatro for a nice, close shave year round.