Lana Altunashvili ’27 is a prospective international relations major. She is a James Monroe Scholar and a member of Club Tennis. Contact her at laltunashvili@wm.edu.
The views expressed in the article are the author’s own.
This is a hard article to write. There are so many thoughts that are going through my head, so many things I’m realizing as I write this, so many things I want to say the right way… But I think, as always, that being sincere is the way to go. Some of you might know me already, but I’m a junior, originally from the country of Georgia and during my sophomore year, I started dating someone — a biology major, which I would highly recommend. But as someone who’s originally from a different country and spent my formative years there, I’m often scared that when he finally visits my hometown, he won’t like it there, or that there are some things he simply could never know or understand about me if he doesn’t come and enjoy the food, the streets, the singing, the traditional dances … if he doesn’t know the language or the customs. But as I write my third (or maybe fourth) draft of this article, I realize that there could be a person who has all of those things and still can’t understand you as you are. Because truth be told, languages can be learned, superstitions can be understood, traditions can be memorized. What you can’t really acquire though, something much deeper, may be more valuable than cultural context could ever be.
Relationships are difficult. Whether you come to that conclusion from romance novels or personal experience, I think it’s true that relationships, whether platonic or not, are hard to maintain and even harder to support. Oftentimes, they force you to face parts of yourself that you didn’t want to see, ones you maybe didn’t even know were there. And if you’re truly trying to make it last, you need to be willing to change. I don’t mean in a toxic way, but the right people make you want to be better for yourself and for them too. Intercultural relationships are even harder. Can you imagine not only dating someone from a different country, but also trying to navigate two or maybe even more cultures, trying to find a middle ground, trying to “fully” know someone by learning everything about them? It gets tiring really quickly. But what do you do when the two identities, the two countries you’re part of, are inseparable? How do you accept that the one person that should know you best may actually never get to?
But even when these things have been present, it wasn’t ever enough. There have been guys that did know me in the past, had visited the streets I used to call home, had seen the dances and heard the national choirs … but I don’t think they ever really knew me that well. I know they say comparing is bad, but I can’t help it. Every prior relationship of mine seemed to misunderstand me somehow, misinterpret my intentions, miscommunicate. Of course, we’re all older now and much wiser, so some of the past mistakes can be attributed to youthful ignorance. But I can’t help but think that my partner now, not having gone to my hometown, not having been to my childhood home, not having met all of my friends in person, knows me better than anyone who satisfied all of those qualities ever could. There was always a piece that was missing: some willingness to try to understand someone without any explanation.
This is the part of the article when I realize I’ve been mistaking factual knowledge and context for something that I know is already there. This feeling of someone knowing you and loving you wholly, even when they don’t have all of the intricate details laid out in front of them, is more valuable than any historical or linguistic knowledge could ever be. Intercultural relationships are hard. Trust me, I know. But if you’re willing to risk some things and be patient, context will be given in time. The small words you teach them, culture-specific sounds you make or various things you believe in … these things are picked up in the day-to-day, not in a quick trip across the ocean. They’re in every dinner you have together, every night out, every minute spent together, really. Little by little, you take on each other’s habits, you adopt each other’s cultures. Visiting the places we come from helps and, don’t get me wrong, I still really want it to happen soon. But I think we need to carry with us the knowledge that all versions of us are shown every minute of every day, and are seen and appreciated, especially when the people we choose look beyond the superficial and hold on tight.
