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Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21As an advocate of business, you will practice all next week punching numbers into a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet. |
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Taurus: April 20 – May 20Group projects are mundane and tedious in your opinion, especially when groups do not reference drugs as a primary source. |
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Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21A creative solution is always on the horizon, but cherry bombs will never fix your broken toilet — even if they do provide late night entertainment. |
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Gemini: May 21- June 21The stars are watching over all of your activities this week. But you can’t watch us; we have a restraining order. |
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Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19While your Segway is on the fritz, you will be forced to break out the skis and resort to your back-up transportation plan of cross-country skiing. |
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Cancer: June 22 – July 22Technology has a hold on you, which you will realize this week when you “accidentally” superglue your phone to your belt. |
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Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18Spring break is coming soon, so plan ahead and get alcohol as soon as possible. Remember to resist the urge to drink it all beforehand. |
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Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22You will decide this week that anything that makes someone hurt is a bad thing, unless it makes people laugh. Then it’s fine. |
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Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20The trees will speak to you this week, uncovering the darkest and most mysterious secrets behind weight loss. Just make sure you listen. |
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Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22You knew it was time for a wake-up call when you found out chasing squirrels around all day does not count as a psychology lab. |
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Aries: March 21 – April 19You will storm out of your physics class this week, not because you failed a quiz or test, but because you do not attend this school. |
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Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22After entering a “time machine,” you will wake up tomorrow with a hangover, sore throat, a tie-dye shirt and bell-bottoms. |
