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Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21A 65-year-old retired curling champion will teach you the high art of sweeping this week, and you will laugh at how stupid his game is. |
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Taurus: April 20 – May 20Despite your dejected state, you should realize that without pain, joy would not exist. So please, do not complain when a friend unexpectedly socks you in the face. |
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Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21You will need to refinance all of your bonds and money-making schemes, which means you will have to con twice as many people this week. |
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Gemini: May 21- June 21Expecting change in your life can quell anxiety, especially a change in scenery. Don’t stress over the idyllic campus and get used to your cell block. |
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Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19Setting goals is the key to becoming a young, successful entrepreneur, especially when one of the goals is throwing your opponents into the Arctic Ocean. |
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Cancer: June 22 – July 22Diversify your bonds. Try putting your eggs in more than one basket, because as the old adage goes, the more baskets the merrier. |
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Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18Keep your friends honest this week and let them know they do not have to impress you. A dead fish under the pillow always brings out honesty. |
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Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22Take care of all of your minor obligations this week, that way you can face the major ones head on, like the chlamydia you contracted yesterday. |
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Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20You feel as though you have finally found your life’s purpose this week, but others do not see the great purpose behind beating Zelda II for Nintendo. |
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Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22It’s time to buckle down and get some work done, whether that means studying for a test, completing an application or getting high and watching “The Matrix.” |
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Aries: March 21 – April 19The stars will throw a lightning bolt of inspiration your way this week, and it’s your call whether you accept our divine intervention. |
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Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22Danger is your middle name, and taking risks is what attracts people to you; however, the lack of deodorant is what keeps people away. |
