Two years ago, I wrote a column entitled “Make Every Day Valentine’s Day” about how love doesn’t need a holiday. This Valentine’s Day, I heard a commercial on the radio using the same slogan. “Fellas, do you want to make every day Valentine’s Day?” murmured a sultry woman’s voice. She continued on to describe a way of improving “that special part of the male body.”
What’s more appropriate for Valentine’s Day than the topic of male enhancement? Of course Enzyte is playing more commercials this week. Who wouldn’t want to add a few inches to surprise their lover on this, the most sexual of days?
Since all of us have wm.edu e-mail addresses, I assume we’re all aware that the male enhancement industry is huge and only growing larger — and thicker — every year. You’ve seen advertisements for miracle pills and instruments in the website sidebars, and occasionally caught a few e-mails that made it through your spam filter. You probably laugh at them and then press delete thinking, “Who would fall for this?”
Maybe one day you’re in your dorm, checking your e-mail. Your roommate is out, and you’re feeling a little naughty. “Hmm, a penis pump,” you think. Ten days later you’re standing at the mail counter in the Sadler Center, bashfully picking up your package.
It could happen. Bored, horny men are the target group for male enhancement; and who is more bored and horny than college kids?
What’s the deal with male enhancement? Should you buy into the industry?
There’s good news and bad news.
The bad news is the pills, pumps, and exercises are not necessary, and weights don’t work. Surgery has been proven to improve length and width, but it is generally only used in the case of a micropenis. (A micropenis measures less than three inches long when erect.) Even worse, pills and the like can cause permanent damage. It’s probably best to stay away.
I’m sorry to have to break it to you — to ruin all the hopes and dreams and money you’re invested in Enzyte — but come on. If this stuff was for real, every man in America would be hung like a blue whale. Tight pants and Speedos would come into fashion, and the bicycle seat would need to be redesigned. It would be anarchy.
The good news is that your wing-wang probably doesn’t need any enhancement anyway. The average American male has a four- to six-inch-long erect penis.
Having a monster penis is notable, but when it comes down to it, unnecessary. As the saying goes, “It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean.” If you think your junk comes off as unimpressive at first glance, impress her with it when it disappears from sight. If you’re still unsatisfied with your size, try trimming the hedges or losing weight. The more of the base you reveal, the longer the shaft looks.
Take comfort in the fact that having a normal-sized penis means you never have to worry about what happens if the package doesn’t fit into the box, if extra postage will be required. You’ll also be less likely to hit her cervix, and any girl who has had this happen will tell you that avoiding cervical impact is a top priority.
I hope you revel in your throbbing python of love, even if it really is more like a garden snake. Forget the male enhancement peddlers; every day can be Valentine’s Day without a macropenis.
Maya Horowitz is the Flat Hat sex columnist. She always get’s excited when she opens her CSU box and finds a yellow package slip, it’s always a surprise.