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Appreciate the College

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It’s about this time of the year when the winter blahs start rolling in. The realization that we’re back in school grind hits, “frigid” weather turns the campus into a veritable North Face fashion show, and we discover that a month off has really done nothing to diminish the Wren Cross controversy.

p. So, with all that looming large, it might be difficult to remember everything that brought us here in the first place, what made us so excited to receive the “fat envelope” one April.

p. It struck me when I arrived here after driving 900 miles from St. Louis a couple weeks ago. I was alone at the wheel, not ensconced in the back seat anymore with some travel games, a grin and a pillow. This time, I wasn’t coming to visit grandparents or Virginia Beach, but simply to start my fourth semester at the College.

p. You see, even though I’m from the Midwest (not the “flyover states”) I’ve been coming out here for as long as I can remember. I’m still deciding what exactly it was that lured me to the College and away from the comfort of my more familiar cornfields and Steak’n Shakes.

p. It’s gotten me thinking, sure, this campus might be our little bastion of excitement amidst the entertainment vacuum that is Williamsburg, but it’s also so much more than a place we’ll be forced to endure for four years to receive an education and a job offer.

p. There’s something about sunny afternoons in the Sunken Garden with the scent of boxwoods hanging in the air that sends me back 12 years in an instant. I’m told this has something to do with the way the brain and the nose talk to one another, but whatever the reason, it happens just the same. I’m 20, walking from Jefferson to the University Center. I’m eight, feeding the ducks in the Crim Dell with my grandmother. I’m 20 again, worrying whether my GPA and extracurriculars are satisfactory, and then a more pressing thought: I haven’t been out to Matoaka Court recently (let’s hope Williamsburg Police didn’t come to tow my car).

p. Just the other day, in fact, I was heading back from church when I decided to take a turn down the Colonial Parkway, ending up at a little beach among the tidal marshes along the James River, a world apart from my general interpretation of the area as a land of tourists and pancake houses.

p. Doing a bit of cliched reflecting as I strolled along that beach, it occurred to me that most of us hold a certain nostalgia, if such a thing is possible at our age, for the time when our grandmas kissed our boo-boos and our biggest debate was over whether the Power Rangers would be able to take the Ninja Turtles in a street fight (without hopping in their Zords, mind you, because that’d be lame). On the other hand, we’ll probably find ourselves wishing we were back in college 20 — or two — years from now, so it could all come ‘round in the end.

p. Then again, I came across an article in The Washington Post last week about high schoolers competing over whose course load was more miserable. What? I hope you weren’t like those kids. But seriously, is that how we’re going to remember the College? Will it be known as the place where we worked as much as possible to earn those jobs where we’d work even harder? I have more faith in us than that.

p. It’s true that we have an amazing school. I mean, where else can I walk across campus and hear, “I don’t even care. Schrodinger’s cat pisses me off,” or “Well, the major problem in our relationship is that I’m a communist and my dad’s a fascist,” all in the span of 10 minutes?

p. I’m inclined to think, however, that there’s more to why we came here than academics and a few lines on a resume.

p. So why did we choose the College, then, as opposed to U. Va., or any of those other places that stuffed our mailboxes with “personal” letters back in high school? (“Do you hate freedom of speech and learning, Andrew? If you do, then you definitely won’t like Smalltown Liberal Arts College!”)

p. Perhaps I’m going out on a limb, but I think it’s that feeling we get when we’re all crowded together in the Wren Courtyard for the Yule Log Ceremony, or when we slip up and call the College “home,” only to find ourselves wondering if it really was a mistake. Or maybe I’m just being overly sappy about the whole thing, and that sweet consulting job is honestly what it’s all about.

p. Here’s hoping Accenture likes sentimentalists.

p. __Andrew Peters, a sophomore at the College, is a Staff Columnist. His views do not necessarily represent those of The Flat Hat.__

SA needs diversity

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From Hillary Clinton to Mitt Romney to Barack Obama, the news has recently been flooded with people declaring their presidential intentions. I hope that this year during the Student Assembly elections, we will also see a diverse set of candidates running for office. The SA is in need of a makeover, and this can only happen if more people decide to run.

p. Not having run for the SA senate was one of my regrets at the College, so I was excited to hear that there was a vacancy in one of the senior senate positions at the start of this semester. This was my chance to get involved, so I jumped at the opportunity to apply for the position. The U.S. Senate is comprised of 16 females, and the College senate is not any better, with only two undergraduate female senators. This is clearly not enough females to speak for the entire population of women on campus. Just last semester, a bill was almost passed that ignored the female perspective on sexual assault cases. With more women creating bills, this oversight could have been avoided. Therefore, I applied for the senior senate seat, confident that I could offer a fresh perspective to the senate, something I think that the SA needs. The senate is a bit of a boys club, comprised mainly of white, male government majors. As a female economics and environmental studies major, I obviously do not fit this description.

p. A few days went by, and I received no confirmation that my application had been received. I found out that James Evans had been appointed to the senior senate seat, but I still had not received any notification. This was the second time that I had applied for a position in the SA (I previously applied for the Department of Health and Safety), and I did not receive any notice of my application. Finally, the day after Evans became the new senator, I received an e-mail thanking me for applying and denying me a spot.

p. While I am confident that Evans will make an excellent addition to the senate, I am disappointed with the way that the application procedure was handled. Before applying, I heard rumors that Evans was the favorite candidate, but I am frustrated that I wasn’t really given a chance. As an outsider, it appears as if the SA is an insider group, consisting mainly of people from the same group of friends.

p. I am not upset about losing the race, but I wish that I had gotten involved with the SA early on in my college career. I urge you all to find out about the positions you can apply to or run for with the SA, and to not be afraid to actually run. We need a more diverse SA to represent our diverse campus. This can only happen if more people run for the positions offered, and if we vote for a SA that accurately reflects the student body.

p. __Liz Burroughs is a senior at the College. Her views do not necessarily represent those of The Flat Hat.__

Coming in 2036: The Piepenbring-Wren Building

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Forget the nascent Ukrop Drive; forget Kaplan Arena. In 2036, I will, through the glory of my financial “philanthropy,” get my name affixed to the Christopher Wren Building and therein attain immortality.

p. The Piepenbring-Wren Building will dwarf everything around it. Students will no longer want to live in the Sadlerville Complex, or waste their time being educated in Tucker Hall Brought To You By Pepsi. Even Prince’s Purchase, the building formerly known as Washington Hall, will be a thing of the past. Piepenbring-Wren will define the future.

p. How will I, as a lowly English major, earn enough money to purchase such prime nomenclature? Well, it just so happens that I have a friend in Nigeria who e-mailed me personally about some unclaimed funds. I don’t know how he got my address, but there are just billions in some bank account over there, earmarked for yours truly. All I have to do is front some capital and they’re mine. (Accounting for inflation and exchange rates, I may even emerge as a trillionaire.) As a member of the nouveau riche society, I’ll throw a bunch of lavish cocktail parties and take up a healthy interest in cocaine. Whenever I use the bathroom, my hired robotic midget will smack my Swedish maid in the face, thus reminding her to wipe my derriere with a $100 bill — even if I only urinated. The maid and the midget-bot will fight over my urine, because after an expensive surgical procedure, I will piss 70 percent gold dust.

p. Eventually, though, I’ll become so jaded that even the most expensive thrills will bore me (except for cocaine, which I’m told never gets old — it promises eternal youth). When this happens, I’ll shift my focus to philanthropy: children’s cancer funds, feeding the hungry, helping out teamsters, you name it. It’ll only be a matter of time until my alma mater comes to benefit from my god-like generosity.

p. At my behest, the salaries of all humanities professors will increase tenfold. The Sunken Garden will be immaculately manicured, all dormitories will have air-conditioning and the Caf will serve filet mignon and dolphin-free tuna two days a month (we don’t want to get carried away here). Our president, being so enthralled with my charity, will offer me a piece of the Wren Building after my armed thugs threaten to castrate his cat. (If the cat is spayed — or female — the president himself will suffice.)

p. Trust me: this “cross in the chapel” controversy will be old news by then, when the whole room is reinvented as a gentlemen’s club. People might object to religious symbols, sure, but only the kindest words will be reserved for the new mantelpiece, which will feature my full name spelled out in diamonds. Dr. Daniel Edward Piepenbring, Esq. — that’s a lot of letters. Let me tell you, it’s going to be impressive.

p. Such blueprints presuppose that no one worships me by then. This, I must concede, is unlikely — we should develop a contingency plan. We can keep the thing as a chapel and have every student kneel before the aforementioned diamond idol in daily prayer. Deal with it.

p. “But Dan,” you might be asking, “Why does your so-called ‘philanthropy’ require a reward? Can’t you just give for giving’s sake? Shouldn’t the building be named for its architect?” Excellent questions, reader. You see, compared to some of our other buildings’ namesakes, Christopher Wren is considered pretty poor. Earl Gregg Swem was rich enough to go by his first and middle names, and his wealth was diminutive compared to that of Mr. University James Center. (For undisclosed reasons, Center later dropped his middle name.) But Wren? He wouldn’t deserve to polish my platinum shoes. He wouldn’t even deserve to scrub my midget’s shoes, and those are only made of faux-leather. Why, then, should his name be venerated? Do you really want to honor someone who was poor? Do you?

p. Campus Drive is an absurd street name. We’re all aware that this is a college campus — we don’t need to be reminded whenever we flick our turn signals. It’s redundant. And William & Mary Hall? It’s on our property. It’s obviously our hall. Naming it something so practical, so unerringly simple and “sensible,” is an insult to the intellect of our student body.

p. Likewise, the Wren Building’s existing moniker smacks of logic. Everyone knows he designed the damn thing. The only reason I’m keeping his name on there is my stringent ethical code. I’m a demonstrably generous guy. It could just as easily be “The Piepenbring Building, by Christopher Wren.”

p. It’s settled then. Return in 2036 and witness firsthand the gorgeous Piepenbring-Wren building. It’ll be the pride and joy of the College of William & Mary & Piepenbring. Did I mention we’re renaming the place? Damn.

p. __Dan Piepenbring, a junior at the College, is a Staff Columnist. His views do not necessarily represent those of The Flat Hat.__

Several runners qualify at George Mason

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p. The men’s and women’s track and field teams have recently begun the indoor competition season. The Tribe competed at George Mason University Jan. 27, and this past weekend at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill.

p. Both teams performed well at George Mason. Seniors Jason Schoener, Keith Bechtol and Matt Keally all qualified in the 3,000-meter run for the IC4A indoor championships by placing second, third and fourth. Brandon Evans placed second in the high jump by clearing 6’5.’’ On the women’s team senior Bonnie Meekins won the high jump competition by tying the ECAC indoor championships record at a height of 5’7,’’ qualifying for the ECAC Championships in the event.

p. “I’m looking forward to competing at ECACs because I’ve been having a good season so far and I’m ready to put it all together and knock out a great performance,” Meekins said. “This will be my last indoor meet of my college career, so it’s important for me that it go well.”

p. The women’s distance medley relay team placed third with a cumulative time of 12 minutes, 41.62 seconds. Both Alyssa Gaeto and Carly Morse reached the school’s top-10 lists in the 60-m dash and shot put, respectively.

p. This weekend at Chapel Hill the Tribe continued its excellent start to their indoor competition schedule. On the men’s side, freshman Marty Ross broke the school’s freshman record in the 60-m hurdles with a time of 8.85 seconds.

p. The women’s junior runner, Allie Lewis, placed third in the 800-m run with a time of 2:14.39, qualifying for the ECAC indoor championships. Senior Jen Showker took second place in the shot put with a put of 44-0.75, and freshman Carly Morse placed fourth in the event with put of 43-0.5.

p. With an excellent start to their indoor season, the coaching staff is feeling quite optimistic about the future and is proud of the achievements that its athletes have already attained.
Women’s head coach Kathy Newberry said, “right now we are pretty pleased” with the team’s progress.

p. Coach Newberry cited the difficulty of coming back into competition after a long winter break and was impressed with the way her “young squad had taken big steps forward.”

p. Men’s head coach Alex Gibby said that his team has had some “good early performances,” and that there has been a “high level of accomplishment at this early juncture.”

p. Both coaches agree that their teams’ next big test will be at Virginia Tech two weekends from now. The Tribe will compete at the Vince Brown Invitational in Newport News this coming weekend.

No. 1 Bulldogs serve up shutout

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p. This past weekend the men’s tennis team faced off against two nationally-ranked teams, and although the Tribe was unable to add any wins to their season record, the team sees this as a learning experience rather than an obstacle.

p. “We’ve opened the year with some very tough matches: four teams in the top 26,” senior Colin O’Brien said. “We’ve competed well in those matches and playing the best teams will only make us better players.”

p. Wake Forest University, ranked 26th in the country, started off its match against the Tribe Saturday by sweeping the doubles play, even defeating the 30th-ranked doubles team of O’Brien and junior Alex Cojanu. With the early lead in points, Wake Forest continued to dominate the courts; only one Tribe player arose victorious. Sophomore Alex Zuck fought his opponent through three sets, eventually losing the match, 6-1, 6-7, 10-4. Cojanu, ranked 49th nationally in singles play, also forced his rival to a deciding tiebreaker, 6-7, 7-6, 10-7, ultimately coming out on top with the victory. The final score of the match was 6-1 in Wake Forest’s favor.

p. The next day the Tribe took on no. 1 University of Georgia on the Bulldogs’ home courts in Atlanta, Ga. Beginning with the doubles play, the Tribe was unable to pick up the team point, but the ranked duo of O’Brien and Cojanu defeated their opponents, who are ranked first nationally in doubles play. The set came down to a tiebreaker as the two doubles teams battled it out, but the Tribe eventually came out victorious with an 8-7 final score for the set. The College did not have as much luck in singles play, as all six Tribe athletes to compete were defeated, with four of them playing against nationally-ranked players.

p. “We’ve taken care of the opponents we have been expected to beat, and I think it’s only a matter of time before we get some ranked wins and regain a ranking ourselves,” O’Brien said. “That is our goal right now. Then we will aim to get as highly ranked as possible.”

p. With that goal in mind, the College will host three matches this weekend at the McCormack-Nagelsen Tennis Center. The Tribe will first take on 24th-ranked University of Michigan Friday, Feb. 9, at 5 p.m. The match will mark the fifth time already this season that the College has faced a nationally-ranked opponent. That following Sunday, Feb. 11, the Tribe will go up against Michigan State University at 10 a.m. and James Madison University at 5 p.m.

p. “I am very interested and excited to see how we play for the rest of the year,” O’Brien said. “Everyone is welcome to come out and support us. It’s a fun time. It’s a very high energy environment and the fans can be as loud as they want to be. They will find some very passionate Tribe players on the courts to match.”

Women’s Gymnastics Defeats the Dukes at Home

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p. Men’s gymnastics traveled to Harrisonburg over the weekend and placed second in the five-team James Madison University Open. The University of Illinois, Chicago, ranked 13th in the nation, won the event with a score of 193.30, while the Tribe totaled 189.40 points. The women competed at JMU this weekend in a dual meet and defeated their ECAC rival with a season-high score of 186.22.

p. Senior Chuck Portz led the way for the men, turning in his strongest performance this season on the pommel horse when it mattered most. Portz earned a score of 8.3 in the meet’s last event to propel the Tribe ahead of the 19th-ranked U.S. Naval Academy by .6 points and into its second-place finish. The victory over Navy served as revenge for the College, which lost its season opener to the Midshipmen at the Navy Open Jan. 13.

p. Springfield College’s score of 179.75 put the Pride in fourth place while host JMU finished last, managing only 158.70 points.

p. Second place at the JMU Open moves the College’s record to 5-5 on the season. However, three of these defeats have come against teams ranked in the top 10, nationally, while the Tribe has fallen to no. 2 Penn State, no. 6 University of Minnesota and no. 9 Temple University.

p. The College’s best event of the meet was the vault. The Tribe earned a season-best score of 31.050 thanks to sophomore Sloan Crawford, who placed second in the event with a score of 8.2, his best vault this year.

p. Individual members of the team also excelled as two Tribe gymnasts placed first in their individual categories. Portz’s 8.3 on the pommel horse led the Open while junior Andrew Hunt won the parallel bars with a score of 8.80, his season high. Hunt also received a score of 8.25 on the high bar, which placed him fourth overall.

p. Sophomore Richard Pearson kicked off the Open with a solid score of 7.85 on the rings. Fellow sophomore James Prim earned the team’s second-highest rings score with a total of 8.65 for the afternoon, good enough for third-place overall.

p. Freshman Derek Gygax finished the meet in fourth place with a six-event overall score of 45.05. Junior Dave Locke performed an impressive floor routine as he continued to recover from various off-season injuries, ultimately scoring a season best of 8.50 in the event.

p. Portz is excited about the continuing progress the Tribe is making.

p. “The team is looking to qualify into the NCAA; we are on an even playing field with Temple, Navy, Army and Illinois-Chicago,” Portz said. “We are still trying to ‘peak’ during the rest of February and early March, when we will bring out our best routines. It is best to have high scores toward the end of the season.”

p. Saturday, Feb. 17, the team will host its first home event, a dual-meet against JMU, beginning at 7 p.m.

p. For the women, many of the Tribe’s veteran athletes as well as younger gymnasts competed at their absolute best. The team brought home three individual first-place finishes in the categories of bars, beams, and the floor. Team season-high scores were also recorded in these three events last Friday.

p. Junior Tricia Long gained a season-high overall score of 38.00 and senior Christina Padilla placed first in the bars category with a score of 9.650. In fact, the bars are this captain’s favorite event because, she claims, it is the most interesting.

p. The paramount performances of the night came from two of the younger members of the Tribe. Sophomore Sarah Jacobson gained her first event title, scoring a 9.425 on the vault. Jacobson also scored a 9.400 on floor and came in fourth place on bars. Fellow sophomore Becca Bacharach earned her first event title as well, scoring an admirable 9.750 on the beam.

p. Two USAG All-Americans and all-ECAC performers participated in their first meet for the season this Friday. Senior Jess Randall tied for fourth place on the floor with a score of 9.475, as well as taking fourth on the beam with a 9.550. Junior Stevie Waldman obtained an impressive 9.475 on the bars. This achievement not only placed Waldman in third place, but it helped the team reach a season-high score of 47.425.

p. The College placed in the top five positions for the bars. Padilla placed first, Long came in second with a score of 9.550, Waldman was third and Jacobson came in fourth, earning a person season-high score of 9.450. Freshman, Ali Medeiros came in fifth place with a score of 9.300.

p. Long, who says she prepares “for meets by visualizing my routine and getting a lot of sleep,” was the only Tribe gymnast to compete in all of the events. She placed second on the beam with a score of 9.675 — a personal season high. Long placed fifth on the vault with a score of 9.300. On the floor she tied for the team high and placed fourth with a score of 9.475.

p. The gymnasts claim to be both relieved and excited about the triumph over JMU.

p. “Victories like this help our team to build,” Padilla said. “With every meet we raise our total score and the quality of our team.”
The women will take next weekend off before venturing out to North Carolina State University February 17. The College will compete in the annual Hearts Invitational against some tough contenders, including the University of West Virginia, the University of Nebraska, George Washington University and the host, N.C State.

Desperate sports fans now turn to NASCAR

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p. Countless pizza boxes lay strewn across the floor, as their half-eaten contents spilled onto an already tattered carpet. A sprawling bone yard of mangled chicken wings teetered precariously over the edge of a scrappy futon, their pungent aroma permeating throughout the apartment complex. Numerous two-liter bottles, having rolled helplessly onto their sides, steadily dripped remnants of flat soda onto a warped table. As I gazed across the fiasco that was my living room, a feeling of sorrow welled deep within my chest. After my friends and I had punished eight boxes of pizza, 70 hot wings and four two-liter bottles of Coke the night before, I felt as hopeless as a young child on the day after Christmas. However, my empty feeling was not the result of an absence of presents. Instead my general state of despair was due to an epidemic that strikes millions of sports fans across the nation each February, the dreaded scourge commonly known as “Super Bowl Withdrawal,” or “SBW.”

p. Far more agonizing than the widespread condition known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), SBW grips sports fans at approximately 9 a.m. on the Monday morning immediately following the Super Bowl, and doesn’t let go until over a month later at the outset of March Madness. Although SBW only lasts about one month, the symptoms make the illness virtually unbearable for both the infected fan and his or her friends and family. Symptoms of SBW may include, but are not limited to, a general sentiment of anguish and despair, unexpected mood swings, lack of appetite, decrease in libido and, finally, an unfounded increased interest in the NHL, PGA, ATP, PBA and, in the most serious cases, the WNBA.

p. For the past 40 years, the top scientists of prestigious labs and universities across the nation have been working around the clock in a valiant but futile effort to uncover the elusive cure for the dreadful infection that is SBW. Unfortunately, an elixir to the confounding disease has yet to be found. That is, until Monday Feb. 5, 2007, at approximately 11:36 p.m.

p. Already seriously weakened by the debilitating side effects of SBW, I decided to turn on SportsCenter in an attempt to ease my inner anguish. However, much to my chagrin, a continuous repetition of Super Bowl highlights only intensified my longing for the departed NFL season. Hopelessly dejected, I feebly reached for the remote in an effort to change the channel, but at that very moment, I heard something that grabbed my attention.

p. “With the Super Bowl of NASCAR just around the corner …,” SportsCenter anchor Neil Everett said. With the help of those simple words, I instantly realized the cure for the disease that has mercilessly plagued the United States since 1967.

p. The all-too-obvious antidote to SBW is the second-most watched sporting event in the United States of America: the Daytona 500. Every year, this seemingly pagan sporting event goes unnoticed by all civilized sports fans. However, little do these naive fans know that the seemingly crude sport of NASCAR is the vehicle that can navigate them through the painful month of February all the way into March Madness.

p. Although NASCAR is an undemanding solution to the woes of SBW, realize that watching the sport does not come without risk. Side effects of NASCAR can include, but are not limited to, excessive drunkenness, a disturbing affinity for the music of Toby Keith, decreased literacy and, finally, an unexplained urge to marry your sister.

p. While watching too much NASCAR can be hazardous to your general well being, watching only the Daytona 500, also known as the Super Bowl of NASCAR, is completely safe and a necessary element to the treatment of SBW. So, on Feb. 18, tune your television sets to FOX, and witness drivers Jimmie Johnson, Tony Stewart, Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Jeff Gordon duke it out during the 49th annual Daytona 500.

p. Graham Williamson is a sports columnist for The Flat Hat.

Safety concerns won’t guarantee alcohol amnesty

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p. Despite the new College alcohol amnesty policy, underage students who have been consuming alcohol may still be subject to arrest by campus police.

p. The new alcohol amnesty policy says that students who call for help if they or someone they know has been drinking excessively or irresponsibly, will not be charged with a violation of College alcohol policy. This policy, however, does not prevent arrests or the issue of summonses by police.

p. Monday, Jan. 22, a student in Barrett Hall called police and reported that his roommate was vomiting blood and required medical assistance. Both students were eventually issued summonses for alcohol violations.

p. “Police are dealing with violations of law, not College policy,” Vice President for Student Affairs Sam Sadler said. “No university official can tell an officer that he may or may not arrest.”
Campus police said that the police were never affected by the College’s policy change.

p. “The police have a different set of standards,” Chief of Police Donald Challis said. “However, we typically only arrest when a students behavior is incredibly bad or uncooperative.”

p. Challis explained that when the police take a report of any incident involving a student, they refer the report to the Dean of Students office. He said that most of the time, students are merely referred and not arrested.

p. “Typically, for every arrest, we make four referrals of students who could have been arrested, but weren’t,” he said.

p. Challis added that the amnesty policy has not changed much for the police force and that the policy does not require officers to act differently from how they have in the past.

p. “Typically, if a student is arrested, there is more to the story,” he said. “The student would have to be very uncooperative or we would have had to have seen them in a similar situation three or four more times.”

p. Sadler said that the amnesty policy should still encourage students to call if they or someone they know is in trouble.

p. “We want to take off the table the fear that a lot of students had if they, for example, were worried about a friend’s safety, but were also worried about whether or not they were going to get in trouble,” Sadler said.

p. He added that students should feel free to contact whoever is qualified to help when someone is in trouble.

p. “In most cases, the police don’t arrest,” Sadler said. “Typically, if someone is sick from intoxication, they’ll report it to us and we’ll just deal with it.”

p. Students who do call in under the policy will not be placed under judicial action.
“You might be referred for alcohol counseling,” Sadler said. “I hope people understand why the College would be interested in helping people to build some refusal skills and deal with issues they may have or not even know they have in a setting that doesn’t create a judicial record.”

p. Sadler said that the most severe punishment that most students would receive is a conference with the Dean of Students and participation in an alcohol educational program.

p. He added that the student alcohol task force is creating a webpage with a question and answer section that will help students better understand the policy.

Keaton’s new chick flick falls flat

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p. Falling stars are always exciting to spot in the night sky. Their rarity renders them beautiful, and you can make a wish. Falling stars in Hollywood are quite different. They’re awkward, disappointing and the only wish you want to make is for the movie to end. Diane Keaton (“The Family Stone”) — a legend in the film industry, famous for her pant suits and portrayals of strong women — seems to have begun her slow descent. Though not the only example of this trend, Director Michael Lehmann’s “Because I Said So” illustrates beautifully the fact that a big name neither carries a poor script nor compensates for stock performances. Keaton, who usually elevates chick flicks into, at least, the slightly more serious romantic comedy category, has become a one-trick pony. Movies like “The First Wives Club,” “The Other Sister” and “Something’s Gotta Give” succeed because of their simultaneous depth and playful quality. Keaton’s characters are always the same: wealthy, dysfunctional women. Though it can become tiresome, this usually works for her. Recently, however, she has taken her characters to the extreme, playing a highly unlikable mother in the angsty “The Family Stone” or a goofy, two-dimensional mother in “Because I Said So.” She has become a caricature of a caricature; “Because I Said So” is the tragic proof of this degradation.

p. What looked to be a warm, worthwhile chick flick disappointed immensely. Few things frustrate a movie-goer more than when the previews get it right, but the movie misses the mark. The film also stars Mandy Moore (“American Dreamz”) — who, though talented, has been doomed to star in a succession of poorly written, highly clichéd movies. The chemistry between Keaton and Moore is nonexistent. Their relationship (and the movie) hinges on exaggerated disconnectedness and slapstick stratagems. That Keaton finds herself once again playing the meddlesome mother isn’t so bad — it’s simply that she doesn’t do it well. Her character, Daphne, is over-the-top to the extent that the viewer feels insulted that he or she should find this entertaining. Daphne conducts extensive interviews with would-be suitors for her daughter, Milly, and sets her up with Jason, the most promising option (played by Tom Everett Scott). Johnny, the musician at the bar where these interviews are conducted (Gabriel Macht, “The Good Shepherd”) also makes a point of meeting Milly. So Milly, who has thus far been a magnet for losers, ends up dating two men at once. The tension between these two possible lives proves to be the crux of the movie, with Keaton popping in and out of the plot periodically to do something obnoxious.

p. While this plot might have some potential, it ultimately drowns itself in a sea of complete superficiality. Lines are hackneyed, relationships that should be deep are made light of and neither heroine is particularly likable, admirable or strong. Sure, Daphne has raised her girls on her own and shares a strong bond with them, but this bond too often manifests itself in the form of four-way phone calls about sex. Everything, in fact, seems to revolve around sex, leaving behind a poor skeleton of a love story. Daphne’s own romantic actualization consists of her first orgasm — not falling head-over-heels like the hero and heroine used to do back in the good old days.

p. Adding to the shallow quality of the plot is the cheap quality of the humor: total slapstick. The audience is supposed to get its kicks from Milly’s “hyena” laugh (which, yes, includes snorting), a balloon statically clinging to a butt, a dog who likes to have his way with the furniture, a computer that gets frozen on a pornography website, a child who likes to point out that women have “’ginas” and Diane Keaton’s falling into cake after cake after cake (she’s a caterer). “The Other Sister” this movie is not.

p. It can’t be said with any semblance of integrity that anything really saved this movie, but a few things did ameliorate the pain it caused its viewers. The soundtrack, for instance, was very good and made the movie fun when it would have been completely dull. As always (and it’s actually getting a little tiresome), Keaton’s clothes are beautiful. They’re fun to look at, even if she does look exactly the same in every movie. Also, Macht’s character redeems a good portion of the film. He is, quite possibly, the only genuine character in the film, exuding a warm affability that makes him fun to watch. Macht has played secondary roles in movies like “The Good Shepherd” and “Enemy at the Gates,” and always seems to play the honorable, comforting, if not very exciting, male.

p. What’s really a shame about “Because I Said So” is that it possessed all the ingredients for a really great romantic comedy. It would have been so very easy for the film not to have fallen so very short.

‘Grey’s Anatomy’ causes one viewer acute internal pain

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p. I’m just going to blurt it out: I hate “Grey’s Anatomy.”

p. I do. I can’t stand the show, much less hear people talk about it.

p. Go ahead, call me crazy. Accuse me of being contrarian. You can even send me hatemail if you’re so inclined — although I do favor the first two options. I’m not oblivious to the fact that 90 percent of this campus (of which, I’d venture to say, about 70 percent is female and 10 percent gay) is addicted to and/or obsessed with the show, so I realize this column will be received, at minimum, with some strong skepticism, if not all-out hatred. Perhaps it will even inspire a written response or a tête-à-tête with someone who casually (read: facebook stalking) runs into me on campus.

p. I’ve been harboring intense feelings of animosity towards ‘Grey’s’ for some time now. Looking back, I can even pinpoint the exact moment: more than six episodes (the train wreck) into season two of the show. See, at the risk of being misinterpreted as one of those people who recoil from anything once it has become “too popular,” I have to confess that before utterly hating the show, I did, in fact, enjoy it. When ‘Grey’s’ premiered as a midseason replacement in 2005, Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) and the rest of the intern troupe from the Seattle Grace Hospital felt like a breath of fresh air from all the ‘Desperate’ histrionics that had taken over ABC’s Sunday night programming. Sure, the voice-over narrative ploy quickly overstayed its welcome, but I was able to look past this because the show deftly gravitated somewhere between drama and comedy — always reliant on both genres yet never exploitive of either. Add a camp sensibility (can anyone forget the awfully delightful season finale that introduced Meredith — and viewers — to Addison Shepherd?) to the mix and what resulted was unbeatable television.

p. Then came the post-Super Bowl, two-part extravaganza — an event which, to reference “The O.C.” (another show that similarly once thrived on artifice), I would equate with “Olivergate.” Grace Hospital was transformed into a war zone. Sensibilities were heightened, situations were critical (even more so than usual), and all the characters suddenly spoke only in exclamatory statements: Code Black! Christina Ricci guest-starring as an annoying Christina Ricci pretending to be a paramedic! A bomb lodged inside a patient! Meredith grabbing the bomb! Boom! Is that “pink mist” all over Meredith?!

p. Though hardly the first time the show employed a cataclysmic event as a narrative device to further the story, this two-part stint marked (for this critic at least) the point of no return for the show. A blunt manifestation of the show’s ongoing deterioration, ‘Grey’s’ literally blew itself inside out in these episodes, exposing all its creative interstices. It became clear that the once smooth and effortless camp tone of season one was supplanted by a hysterical desperation to be campy — and, as Susan Sontag wisely observed, intending to be campy is always harmful because true camp rests on innocence. ‘Grey’s’ wants so badly to be campy, it just keeps missing the (heart)beat.

p. The problem with intent is that it too often leads to forced and heavy-handed results. Look back at the first few episodes and you’ll notice a steady progression in the nature of the impossible medical cases with which the interns are always confronted. Though never from the realm of the believable, the jump from mass Chlamydia outbreaks and child impalements to explosives lodged inside a human body and the accidental murder of a heart-transplant patient worth $8 million is telling of a deliberate attempt to reach new heights of over-the-topness for over-the-topness’ sake. No longer seamlessly woven as metaphors or narrative compliments to the characters’ arcs, these medical cases reek of exploitive shock value. On top of it all, this ridiculousness has started to extend into character situations: two proposals in the same episode? Could the writers of the show be any more desperate?

p. What’s worse, ‘Grey’s’ wants to have its cake and eat it too: coupled with the consciously slimy intent to shock (just to shock) is the seriousness with which the show has started to approach itself. The entire Izzie (Katherine Heigl) ordeal with Denny would have been just the right amount of over-the-topness (doctors fending for the lives of patients while dressed in prom-like gowns and attire? Genius.) had the writers and actors not taken the entire scenario and its aftermath so seriously. To date, I still cringe every time Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars” comes on the radio, and don’t even get me started on the ludicrous I’m-not-going-to-deposit-the-check episode arc. Suffice it to say that Izzie went from marginally captivating to widely annoying in less than a split second.

p. I suppose you can argue that all these ridiculous scenarios make for great television and that the show has resuscitated the moribund medical drama by bringing sexy back. But, much like Justin Timberlake’s tune, this sexiness already feels run into the ground. This isn’t to say that ‘Grey’s’ isn’t without its fine moments — just that, as of season two, these moments were too few and far between. Fast approaching a creative crossroads (salary negotiations are supposedly already underway, another Super Bowl stint is in the works and the Isaiah Washington problem is, as of yet, unresolved) perhaps Grey’s writers can find a way to refocus the scope of the show. Perhaps you (yes, you) could stop talking about the show in OMG-loud decibel levels.

p. Or not.

p. Alejandro Salinas is a senior at the College. He wishes someone had cut Izzie’s LVAD wire instead.

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