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Police Beat (Nov. 4 – Nov. 13)

p. Tuesday, Nov. 7 — A student reported that another student was stalking her.

p. — A contractor doing renovations at the old bookstore, near the Campus Center, reported that a pile of copper pipe he was working with had been stolen. 140 feet of pipe was missing, worth approximately $1,000.
— A student reported that his bicycle had been stolen outside of Jones Hall. The bike, which was registered, was worth an estimated $100.

p. Wednesday, Nov. 8 — A power box behind Tazwell Hall was reportedly vandalized with spray paint. Police estimated the damage at $150.

p. Friday, Nov. 10 — Police confronted a student who had “no parking” signs in his car on North Boundary Street. Police determined that the signs were stolen property.
— A student at Dinwiddie Hall reported that his wallet had been stolen, with $400 in cash and $100 in other items, including his student ID and credit cards.

p. Sunday, Nov. 12 — A male student was arrested and taken to the regional jail for being drunk in public on Alumni Drive.
— Police arrested another male student for being drunk in public near Sorority Court. He was also driven to the regional jail.

p. Monday, Nov. 13 — Staff at the Gifted Education Office reported that a boom box worth approximately $80 had been stolen.
— A caller reported that their unregistered bike had been stolen outside of Unit H. The bike was a silver, custom-made Canadian model worth approximately $300.

That Girl: Anne Andrews

Unfortunately, in this interview you won’t get to hear about Anne Andrew’s love of sailing, snowboarding and traveling. You’d never know, based on her interview, that she’s in Kappa Alpha Theta or that she’ll be working for Virginia State Senator Tommy Norment next semester. You’d never even know that she’s always wanted to be a lawyer and therefore plans to go to law school. (Unless you know Anne, of course.) What you will find in this week’s That Girl column is her tale of a summer in Asia on a mini-cruise ship. Sounds fun, right? Read on to learn more about Anne’s travels with the Semester at Sea program.

p. Tell me about your adventures in Asia this past summer.

p. I first found out about the Semester at Sea program in high school because my parents’ friends’ daughter was involved in it and wrote in the newspaper about it. I thought that it would be a good potential study abroad program as I got older. I always talked about it, saying how wonderful it would be, but it wasn’t until my suitemate, Leah Giles, went on it and told me what a great program it was that I really decided to go for it.

p. At first, [my parents] told me “Sure, if you want to do it.” I think they thought I wouldn’t go through with it, and they just sat back. Then I applied for a scholarship through National Society of Collegiate Scholars and received partial funding. At that point I was like, “I’m sold. I’m going.”

p. I didn’t know anyone going into it, and I think that was my biggest fear: 65 days in Asia on a ship, not knowing anyone, with very little connection back here. My parents prepared me for the worst, but I ended up lucking out. I got a corner room that was designed to be a triple, but there were only two of us. It felt very spacious, but it was probably really tiny, looking back.

p. The ship was designed just for this program. It was a 600 ft., seven-level mini cruise ship and there were only 300 students this summer. Usually in the fall or spring there are about 600-700 students. I couldn’t imagine a semester with twice as many people running around. Luckily, I never felt confined, but I did get crazy sitting in class all day and seeing the water go by.

p. I took four classes on the ship, and I was in class from 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. every day. I’m a government major and art history minor so I took Intro to East Asian Politics, a geology class, and an art history class, which was like “East meets West, a cultural perceptions” class. Then everyone took a global studies course. It focused on all the countries that we traveled to. It was every different discipline: their history, geography, geology, government. That was a mandatory course.

p. There were probably about 25 or 30 faculty members who taught us. It rotates through the semesters; the faculty have to apply to do the program. A lot of them were husbands and wives; a couple of them had children. I know when I came to William and Mary, one of the big things was the faculty and how they’re approachable and they’ll know when you’re not in class. It’s even more so when you’re on a ship; there’s nowhere to go. Some of them had large sitting areas in their cabins, so they’d invite students over to mingle. Then sometimes you’d walk past them at six in the morning on the way to the gym or you’d be working out next to your professor. It was a very interesting community.
We were at sea a lot, but we went to eight different ports and stayed there anywhere from three to six days. Once we ported, we had that entire time to ourselves. We had to be back two hours before the ship departed for the next port. I did some traveling with the group and some Semester at Sea-sponsored overnight trips.

p. When we were in Korea, my friend Stephanie and I flew to Seoul, the capital, by ourselves. We went into the DMZ., the de-militarized zone, for a tour and two days earlier, right where we were standing, there happened to be gunshots and they were testing missiles. It was kind of intense. We wore hardhats. I have a picture of myself in the U.N. building with a North Korean guard. It wasn’t something I told my parents until afterwards, because they would have been like “Anne, what are you doing?” My favorite trip was when we were in Ho Chi Minh City in Vietnam. The trips were an eye-opening experience in that I’ve never seen such poverty before. I’ve been to Mexico and seen places which I’ve thought of as third-world, but they weren’t as bad as the places in Asia.

Campus rock stars square off for battle

Tomorrow, six bands will meet in the University Center to battle it out for the first place finish in the annual Battle of the Bands, sponsored by the University Center Activities Board.
The free event will be held in the UC Chesapeake from 9 p.m. to 1 a.m., with each band allotted 30 minutes to show off its best work. Sophomore Breah Samuels, chair of UCAB’s Homebrew Committee, said that past battles have always been competitive, complete with disputes over judging and scoring systems.

p. The bands that will perform have already survived a tough selection process. Fourteen bands sent in demo tapes to compete for one of the six spots in the battle. After the committee listened to the demos, the members selected a very eclectic mix of music designed to appeal to a wide range of listeners. Samuels said that there will be bands with “folk, bluegrass and more of a pop-punk thing going on; some bands have a classic rock thing going on. Hopefully, there is something to appeal to everyone.”

p. The committee also tried to find bands that are less visible on campus, along with the more well-known bands. “We choose bands people haven’t necessarily heard that much before,” Samuels said. Two of the bands, Maids of Cadiz and AudioStrobeLight, have only one member at the College. Their other members will have to travel to play at the battle.

p. At the battle, the winner will be chosen by averaging scores from a panel of judges and votes from the audience. Each person attending the event will be allowed to vote once for the band of his or her choice. The doors will remain open, allowing audience members to come and go as they please. According to Samuels, many people will come to hear only the band they know, while others will stay for the entire event. It is, after all, a free four-hour concert.

p. The bands that will be playing will likely put on a very diverse show. Performing first will be last year’s winner, Ultraviolet Ballet. Ultraviolet Ballet will present a mixture of classic rock songs and originals. Junior Jesse DelGizzi believes that the band’s sound appeals to a lot of people. “We play songs that people would know,” he said. “[We] pretty much boil down to what rock is.”
For those craving music with more of an edge, there are Riot Shield and Maids of Cadiz. Michael Wollitz of Riot Shield said the band is a “little more rocking” than the other bands. Its music, which is mostly originals, ranges from alternative rock to metal. This is their second year in the battle.

p. Junior Mike Pingley, of Maids of Cadiz, credits the influence of Radiohead and Led Zeppelin, among others. This is the band’s first year in the battle, but it has been together for three years.
Rock River Gypsies will appeal to those who like their music acoustic. Junior Chris Smith described the band as a “folk band that thinks it’s blue grass.” It is an all-acoustic progressive folk band, complete with a flautist who is rooted in jazz. For those who like a good stage show there is AudioStrobeLight.“We are big on stunts and stage antics,” sophomore band member Adam Cohen said. “Our sound is pretty much power pop rock.” The band’s instrumentation includes an electric violin and mandolin.

p. Closing the evening will be Tallest Highest, “[We’re an] indie rock band with some post-rock and some dance beats as well,” senior band member David McClendon said. “We like making people dance and have a good time.”

Novelist, poet enhances English Dept.

Students do not typically venture into the venerable Tucker Hall in search of Virginia Woolf. Upon first entering the building, one feels and smells the mystique and history of centuries of literature preserved by one of the oldest English departments in the country. Curious students are, perhaps, only looking for a dusty, specialty copy of “Mrs. Dalloway”, or for a conversation with a knowledgeable professor. Yet in a small office on the third floor, or in a classroom teaching lucky students in advanced seminars, one writer and visiting professor is aspiring to walk in Woolf’s footsteps.

p. The newest installment of the Scott and Vivian Donaldson writer-in-residence program has brought English-born poet and author Rosalind Brackenbury to the College. The program was first established in 1971 in an effort to bring a professional writer to the teaching staff. The writer-in-residence teaches two advanced seminars for students and provides a unique and varied perspective on writing and education.

p. “The writer in residence program is designed to bring a full time writer who can also teach, rather than a professor who can also write,” English professor and former writer-in-residence Nancy Schoenberger said. “We have professors who also write fiction or poetry, but as far as I know at that time we didn’t have anyone who was primarily a fiction writer or a poet.”

p. The program was founded by distinguished Professor Emeritus Scott Donaldson, who, along with his wife Vivian, provides the endowment fund for the program’s continuity and implementation. The opportunity to learn from a full-time, professional writer has met with considerable popularity among students, particularly those taking classes at the 400-level who may be aspiring writers or teachers.

p. “It’s been a very popular program, and it’s exposed students to what it’s like to be a full time writer — what your concerns are, how to discipline yourself, and how to organize your life as a writer,” Schoenberger said.

p. As the current writer-in-residence, Brackenbury is an accomplished author and poet who has published 11 novels and a series of other works. She is an experienced teacher as well, who lives and teaches freelance workshops in Key West, Fl.

p. Brackenbury has a diploma in education from London University, and has spent time teaching creative writing at Edinburgh University in Scotland. As a young writer, her aspiration was to become a novelist, much like her idol.

p. “I was really into Virginia Woolf,” Brackenbury said. “I basically wanted to be her. But it’s a very hard act to follow if you think you want to be that good — and I still struggle with that.”
While the standard is certainly high, an impressive resume of publications and several other writing jobs, including spending 10 years writing and editing book reviews for a small newspaper in England, is hardly struggling.

p. Thursday, Oct. 5, in the Tucker Auditorium, Brackenbury presented selected readings from her works. Her reading, which included both her writing and poetry, was very-well attended, according to Schoenberger, who was largely responsible for bringing the experienced writer to campus.

p. The reading included excerpts from her 11th and newest novel, “Wind, Storm and Flood,” a story about two former lovers, literally and figuratively blown back together by a hurricane in Key West.
Like her predecessors in the program, which include well-published authors Sam Kashner, Henri Cole and Christopher Brown — Brown’s book “The Father of Frankenstein” was the basis for the movie “Gods and Monsters,” which won best screenplay adaptation at the Academy Awards while Brown was in residence — Brackenbury has been able to draw on her own personal experiences as a writer in order to mold students in the classroom. She has not used any of her personal writing in the classroom as of yet, but teaching has enabled her to approach her work in a different manner.

p. “Teaching other people has sharpened things up for me,” Brackenbury said. “I’ll go back to my own work and I think, ‘Well, I was trying to teach someone about that last week.’ It sends me back to my own work with a sharpened critical awareness.”

p. Although she will be leaving the College at the end of this semester, her interactions with students have already had a lasting impact.

p. “I’m enjoying it very much,” Brackenbury said. “I’ve never had such good students.”

Dance show on Pointe

Mark your calendars, because debuting this Sunday is an event you will not want to miss. At 3 and 7 p.m., head over to the University Center Commonwealth Auditorium to see Pointe Blank, a student-run dance group on campus, present its fall show. The program will be a showcase of student-choreographed dance, glitzy costumes and catchy music.
Pointe Blank is a co-ed company, currently numbering 26 members. It is entirely student run, funded only by its members and by revenue from its shows. In addition, a portion of the sales from the upcoming show will be donated to Students Helping Honduras. The company puts on two shows a year, one in the fall and one in the spring. In the past, they have also been invited to perform at other events, such as Admitted Students Day and Sadlerpalooza.

p. Pointe Blank is known for putting on shows with many different kinds of dance represented, making each of their shows different, refreshing and full of surprises.

p. “I really like Pointe Blank because it’s dancing that the college audience can relate to more than some of the other dance groups on campus,” freshman Hannah Goldberg, who joined the company this fall, said. “It’s much more relaxed, and it’s a lot of fun.”

p. “We have a lot of new members, so it’s a pretty young company,” junior Marie Carillo, Pointe Blank’s president, said. “The diversity of the show is really good this year — there’s hip-hop, jazz, tap, lyrical, modern … a lot of different types of dance are included.”

p. Carillo choreographed a hip-hop dance to Nelly Furtado’s “Promiscuous” for the show, featuring two male and two female dancers. She also appears in two very distinct tap dances.
“One is to ‘Singing in the Rain,’ and the other is to a song by the Black Eyed Peas. The first is more classical, and the other is more hip-hop tap,” Carillo said. “There’s also an all-boys dance near the end — there are some very fun costumes involved in that one.”

p. The all male dance will be set to the song “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back),” by the Backstreet Boys. It is entitled “Boys’ Dance is Back.”

p. “It’s a Pointe Blank tradition each semester to do a boys’ dance choreographed by all the guys and danced by all the guys,” senior Evan Cook said. “Because of technical problems, we couldn’t do it last year, so we’re really excited to bring that back.”
The finale will involve the entire company dancing to a Michael Jackson song.

p. The company holds weekly rehearsals, and while auditions are usually held in the fall, a second round of auditions will be held this spring because the current company is fairly small.

p. “We need more boys, especially underclassmen,” Cook said. “We’re always looking for more guys, and any guy with even minimal dance experience is encouraged to try out in the spring.”

p. So this Sunday afternoon or evening, put down those books and come out to the UC Commonwealth for a study break. It’s a steal to see this highly-talented company in action for only $4.

Learning to enjoy manual labor

We all do it for the same reasons — sexual tension, lack of recent sexual attention, sheer boredom or even just the need for a brief study break. Masturbation is a less than celebrated, but clearly central part of our sexuality.

p. But while we might all turn to masturbation for the same reasons, we definitely go about it in many different ways, especially between guys and girls. And I don’t mean the obvious anatomical differences that we’ve all known since health class. Instead, the circumstances and situations surrounding masturbation reveal some interesting differences between the sexes and their sexuality.

p. Usually, I hate discussing the stereotypical male versus the stereotypical female, because it is usually not true. But, when it comes to masturbation, the differences are very real. For guys, who usually rely on visual stimulation to get aroused, looking at a porno is central to masturbation. Some online photos, maybe a video clip or even just a magazine get him thinking about sex and turned on. For girls, on the other hand, masturbating rarely involves a visual aid like porn. Instead girls rely simply on thoughts and imagination, or in some cases, just focus on the act itself without any extra layers.

p. What we all have in common is that masturbation is an easy routine. For all the new and exotic ways we crave to have sex — new positions, new rhythms, new places — flying solo we’re usually content with the same old techniques. Few girls own an expansive collection of vibrators so as to keep trying new things. And as much as they might joke about it, few guys try positions like “the stranger” technique for variety. Part of the appeal of masturbation is its simplicity — no complicated decisions to make or even much of a need to think at all. It might just be one of the few times in our busy lives when we stop thinking and just go with what feels good.

p. Another commonality between the sexes when it comes to masturbation is that we can all benefit from enjoying a little alone time before going out for the night. For guys, the obvious advantage is that getting off once increases their endurance if they find themselves with the opportunity to go for a second with a companion later. For girls, on the other hand, one orgasm encourages a second, so a little warm-up is a great way to feel sexy and confident as you head out the door, maybe setting the tone for the rest of the night to come.

p. The similarities might end there. For guys, masturbating is considered an obvious occurrence, casually joked about with a nearly endless supply of euphemisms. For women, however, masturbation is still frequently a taboo topic. Plenty of girls who do are embarrassed to discuss it, and still more don’t even attempt it. Why the differing social stigmas? Is it because women aren’t expected to have the rampant sex drive that men do, in need of the constant release? There are plenty of women out there who claim that they don’t need to masturbate because when they aren’t participating in a sexual relationship with someone, they don’t have much of a sex drive. While sexually-charged in the context of a relationship, masturbation is less of an issue because you’ve got a partner around to help you out.

p. However, it’s important to remember that masturbation isn’t something that should only be done alone. In fact, sometimes it can be a lot of fun with your sex partner. For practical reasons, sometimes, if they haven’t been able to get you off, it’s totally reasonable to take matters into your own hands — rather literally, I suppose. For a voyeuristic approach, women can let their partners watch them touch themselves. It’s a great learning experience for many guys who still don’t really understand how to use the clitoris, and it can be pretty damn hot to watch. To be fair, the sexes could easily reverse the situation; I’m sure girls could learn a lot of technical pointers from watching a professional do the job himself.

p. While it might not be as exciting as an orgasm with a companion or two, masturbation is without question a central part of most people’s sex lives — in dry spells or wet ones, once a month or twice a day. It’s a crucial step to understanding your own body and sexuality. And seriously, it makes for a great study break; although if you’re at Swem, I recommend heading to the single bathrooms in the basement instead of just going at it on the second floor.

p. __Kate Prengaman is the Flat Hat sex columnist. She may or may not be monitored by Swem employees.__

From vibrators to Verizon: new technologies create host of addictions

I was sitting on the UC Terrace not too long ago, cursing the obscenely balmy weather (I am morally opposed to sweating in November), when I overheard a conversation. This was purely accidental. I don’t just sit around in public places listening to people (usually). I don’t hide in the underbrush with a tiny microphone, trying to catch the hot gossip (generally). And I really don’t like being in on the secrets of complete strangers (unless they are particularly juicy). No, no — I was minding my own business when this conversation accosted me.

p. I was reading a highly engrossing 17th-century play, when the “thines” and “thous” of court intrigue were rudely displaced from my mind. In their stead were the strains of the conversation taking place right behind me — a conversation that would disturb the scholarly mindset of any normal college student. This conversation was about the Rabbit. No, I don’t mean that adorable bunny that lives by McGlothlin-Street Hall. I mean the one of “Sex and the City” fame, the one that cannot be shown on TBS. According to the two verbal exhibitionists interrupting my studies, the magic of the Rabbit is all in the spin action. And it’s totally fine to bust it out during sex. And someone on this campus owns two of them. And … well, you get the idea.

p. I used to think this was a school full of mumblers. People were so worried about being wrong (for once), they tended to tell their opinions to the ground, instead of to the person standing in front of them. Or they just kept them to themselves. Back before I got so old and wise, I found these habits annoying. I wanted to shake the people in my classes and yell, “Speak up!” Lately, though, it’s almost refreshing to find someone who does not want to share everything with everyone. For better or for worse, we have become a much louder, and much less inhibited, student population.

p. I don’t know, maybe the Terrace-Rabbit act was all part of some great social experiment, testing the reactions of unwitting subjects, like “Jackass” but with an academic bent. Maybe they were the unwitting ones, or at least the unshameable ones. It seems that more people don’t know or just don’t care that everyone in the entire world can hear what they’re saying. Maybe you’re extremely comfortable with your masturbation habits. That’s awesome — yay for you. That doesn’t mean I’m happy to have you share them with me. Sure, I think vibrators are great. But do you need to implant that particular mental image in the minds of all who share your space? I hope not.

p. So what’s behind the raised volume on campus? Are we just more open and liberal these days? Maybe the warm, snuggly feeling of the College’s community encourages us to share (and overshare) with our friends and neighbors. Personally, though, my bets are on that scary monster from the future: technology.
It has been pointed out by many before me that students at the College have a dangerous addiction. No, not heroin, not even coffee. Cell phones; we can’t live without them. We can’t even bear to turn them off in class — but woe to the poor wretch who actually answers her phone during lecture. Professors will remember a slight like that for years to come — just ask Tom Heacox. Cell phone users — so wrapped up in that unseen world on the other side of the line — often fail to notice that a world (like the classroom) exists on their end. They also fail to realize that, just because the person on the other end is having trouble hearing them, we can hear them just fine. And then some. Yelling, “No! I said Jenny hates Todd!” might help your cell-phone-challenged friend better understand Jenny’s feelings, but it also lets the whole campus know that Todd had better watch his ass, and that Jenny might be a huge bitch. Do you really want this stuff floating around the College gossipsphere?

p. Also problematic for those of us who would rather not hear your secrets: the iPod (or whatever music-playing gadget you have — rumor has it that other brands do exist). The iPod creates the same issues as the cell phone: in providing a highly insular world of technology, it removes users from the real world. Even more nefarious, however, is its simple effect on hearing abilities. People who have tiny music-playing “buds” wedged into their earholes simply cannot hear as well as those whose ears are free from obstruction. Those who place the buds directly onto their eardrums also tend to have trouble hearing even when the iPod is not in use. If no one can hear each other, is it really any wonder that everyone is talking so loudly?

p. As much as I love hearing everyone’s dirty secrets simply by standing around (no more of that underbrush business), just remember that everything is louder in real life. Oh yes, everyone on campus can hear you talking about the Rabbit. And yes, it is all in the spin action.

p. __Lauren Bell is the Confusion Corner columnist for The Flat Hat. She has ordered spy gear and camoflauge clothing in the privacy of her dorm room.__

Red carpet premiere raises funds for AIDS

The William and Mary theatre department will host a preview of its next fall production in Andrews Hall tonight at 9:30 p.m. The event, a “’90s Celebrity Dance Party,” is a fundraiser for Broadway Cares: Equity Fights AIDS, but will also serve as a special premiere for the new show, “As Bees in Honey Drown.”

p. The comedy, written by Douglas Carter Beane, is the story of a young writer’s brush with fame. As an up-and-coming novelist, Evan Wyler is courted by smooth-talking agent Alexa Vere de Vere. She is smart, pretty and crooked, and makes her living feeding on naive wannabes who fall for her spiel about how to get famous fast. She captivates Evan with glam and glitz, red carpets and VIP rooms, but he soon realizes that the world of celebrities is not all it’s cracked up to be.

p. Widely acclaimed as Beane’s best play to date, the show premiered off-Broadway in New York City in 1997. It won several awards, including the Outer Critics Circle John Gassner playwriting award, and is now being featured in a traveling production as well as on college campuses.

p. “As Bees in Honey Drown,” directed by Christopher Owens, will officially open Nov. 30 in Phi Beta Kappa Memorial Hall. Performances will run at 8 p.m. through Dec. 2, with a 2 p.m. matinee on Dec. 3. Opening night will feature a red carpet entrance as well as several campus and local celebrities.

p. Tickets will go on sale Nov. 19. General admission is $8, but only $5 for students. Call the box office at 221-2674 for details.
The play will contain brief nudity and is recommended for mature audiences only.

Hollywood gossip

**Spider-girl**
Tobey Maguire is a new daddy. His fiancée, Jennifer Meyer, a jewelry designer, gave birth to a daughter Saturday at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. Meyer, daughter of Universal Studios executive Ron Meyer, and Maguire began dating nearly four years ago and have been engaged since early this year. Maguire can next be seen starring alongside with George Clooney in “The Good German” and next year with Kristen Dunst in “Spider-Man 3.”

p. **Jackson tells fan to beat it**
Michael Jackson’s latest fan has taken “don’t stop ‘til you get enough” to heart. After MJ thrilled tourists in St. Tropez when he spent a day touring dressed as a woman, an Australian fan fell for the man in the mirror. Melanie, as the stalkeresque drag queen styles himself, just can’t stop loving Jackson. He has been sending dozens of letters a day proposing not just a relationship but marriage too. Michael has hired four new bodyguards and taken to wearing a bulletproof vest.

p. **Totally innocent — for sure**
After a brief but conspicuous absence from tabloid headlines, OJ Simpson has ensured himself a few more months of fame, in addition to a cool $3.5 million. His new book, “If I Did It, Here’s How it Happened,” tells the oh-so hypothetical story of how he would have gone about committing the double murder of his ex-wife Nicole Brown and her friend Ron Goldman. If he did it at all. Which he’s not saying he did. And we totally believe him.

p. **Wedding bells for ‘Grey’s’ star**
Best-known for her role on “Grey’s Anatomy,” actress Ellen Pompeo now has a ring on her finger. Her music producer boyfriend of three years, Chris Ivery proposed Friday. The platinum ring, designed by Tacori, features a 3.5-carat emerald-cut diamond. Both Pompeo and Ivery grew up outside of Boston, about ten miles from each other but did not meet until 2004 when they began dating after repeatedly meeting each other at an L.A. grocery store.

Val Kilmer’s Batman steals one young fan’s heart forever

p. Maybe it would have been different if you hadn’t been the first. They say you never forget your first love, and darned if they’re not right. As cheesy as it sounds, Mr. Kilmer, you hit me in my formative years and I’ve been unable to clamber to my feet since. Can I call you Val? Because, in the words of Drew Barrymore in “Batman Forever,” “You can call me whatever you want.” For you I’d have happily been a child bride. The offer still stands.

p. I think I learned your name before that of any other actor, chiefly because I loved Batman. No other figure has played such a tremendous role in the iconography of my imagination. I ate, slept and breathed Batman. What vivified said hero? Why, your brilliant “Batman Forever,” of course — possibly the first PG-13 movie my parents allowed me to see. No other man can touch your Bruce Wayne, dear; you’re the best. Actually, a poster of you in your purplish cape and cowl hangs over the head of my bed along with a print of you as Doc Holiday in “Tombstone.” So not only were you the face I put on the knight of my dreams, you were the first pop icon that meant anything to me. You catalyzed my coming-of-age. This may seem weird, my dear friend, but you belong on the same short list as the smell of a box of new crayons, the feel of the rough carpet beneath my palms during story time, the satisfaction of breaking the binding on a new “Goosebumps” book, Spice Girls-induced dancing and the cold chill that ran down my back as I watched “Are You Afraid of the Dark.” You’re as familiar to me as Beanie Babies and the smell of Mom’s perfume when she and Dad left for a date. You took up residence in Blockbuster Video — a place that, to this day, reeks of magic and worlds within worlds. Whether an incredibly hot man-muse or the invisible friend I never had, you were there, gently nudging me into teendom. Few things evoke more nostalgia than the slow, sensual voice that comes out of perhaps the most endearingly pouty lips in Hollywood. I’m eager to see you in “Déjà Vu,” because that’s what you give me.

p. As if it weren’t enough to ensnare me when I was young and impressionable, you had to go and be an amazing actor too, ever demanding of the fealty I pledged you so long ago. The unabashedly aloof quirkiness you bring to each role makes you fascinating to watch; there’s an otherworldly humor about you, Val, and I know your life is ruled by it. Directors find you difficult to work with because you care too much about the craft to be cowed. My hero. You’re always a ‘saint’ to me.

p. Watching a Val Kilmer movie takes on a sort of ritualistic air. It’s homage more than entertainment. When I think of the ’80s, I don’t adulterously think of “The Breakfast Club” or “Flashdance” — I think of Chris Knight, the sexy and hilarious teenage brainiac from “Real Genius.” Val, that simmeringly smooth character is the reason that I wear my sunglasses on the back of my shirt. I can’t escape your influence.

p. Now, when I tell you that I like you as a friend, I’m not saying that I don’t like-like you as well. An audio recording of you reading a story can lull me into Elysian slumber and your melancholy eyes set my heart racing. If your whispery portrayal of both Moses and the Burning Bush in “The Prince of Egypt” soothed and inspired me, your booming shouts in “Spartan” and roguish swagger in “Willow” (love that long, dark hair) turned me on in a major way. Mostly, though, I love your calm, quizzical delivery. You single-handedly redeemed “The Island of Dr. Moreau” with your eccentric — and shirtless — portrayal of Montgomery. Your cocky confidence completely crushed poor Tom in “Top Gun.” The Iceman cometh — oh yes, he does. I’d be remiss if I didn’t tip my proverbial hat to your irresistibly charming Doc Holiday. There never was a sweeter scoundrel — and if I had been in that saloon when you were twirling those teacups, I would have surrendered my pistols to you. Also, the real Jim Morrison pales in comparison. You win for utter coolness and smoldering sexiness. Plus, I’m a softy for good bone structure, and God doesn’t sculpt them better than you. Actually, I find myself attracted to men with noses like yours. What can I say? It’s a darn good nose.

p. In conclusion, Val, I want to thank you for being such a great metaphysical companion, ad hoc soul mate and first true crush. Thanks for walking me out of childhood and for fostering my playful approach to life. Seeing you shoot grappling hooks onto the ledges of Gotham City skyscrapers still makes me yearn to do the same. On a practical note, though, I’d be willing to call your New Mexican ranch my home if you decide to remarry.

p. But I’m not obsessed.

p. __Beth Sutherland is a Sophomore at the College. She plans to send her column to Val. Wish her luck.__