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Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21President Nichol’s decision to remove the cross has the campus torn, but you pay no mind as you are too preoccupied listening to yourself speak. |
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Taurus: April 20 – May 20Archaic English language rules persist in stifling your artistic creativity. However replacing every “S” with a “Z” is just completely … well, yeah I guess that’s cool. |
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Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21Losing a friend this week will seem difficult, until you are enlightened to the only friend that really matters: your erector set. |
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Gemini: May 21- June 21Lost in a sea of anonymity, you will regain your individualism this week not just by abusing drugs and alcohol, but by throwing a bottle of Robitussin in the mix. |
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Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19Your fear of computers taking over the world will be reinforced when your Dell walks out of the woods and bitch slaps you. |
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Cancer: June 22 – July 22Your overly active right brain will keep you up late this week to the point of insomnia, while your inactive left brain just keeps getting high off endorphins. |
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Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18You will take an 11-year trip to Mars purely through your elevated consciousness, only to come back pissed when you find Carlos Mencia is still on the air. |
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Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22The last thing you ever wanted to do was hurt it anyone, but when it comes down to it, someone had to get the last Slim Jim at Wawa. |
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Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20While wave-riding sports such as wakeboarding and surfing have never been your forté, you’ve never have had a problem with rippin’ a gnarly cosine. |
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Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22While many scoff at your lamenting over Fidel Castro’s incapacitation, you strongly agree with his policies on cigars and complete authority. |
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Aries: March 21 – April 19You will understand psychologist’s claim that every action is a means to an end this week when a football hits you in the groin and everyone laughs. |
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Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22Excitement over Tracy Morgan’s arrival will leave you with nightmarishly hilarious echoes of “Take a doo doo pie” in your sleep. |
