Horoscopes February 9

    Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

    President Nichol’s decision to remove the cross has the campus torn, but you pay no mind as you are too preoccupied listening to yourself speak.

    Taurus: April 20 – May 20

    Archaic English language rules persist in stifling your artistic creativity. However replacing every “S” with a “Z” is just completely … well, yeah I guess that’s cool.

    Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

    Losing a friend this week will seem difficult, until you are enlightened to the only friend that really matters: your erector set.

    Gemini: May 21- June 21

    Lost in a sea of anonymity, you will regain your individualism this week not just by abusing drugs and alcohol, but by throwing a bottle of Robitussin in the mix.

    Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

    Your fear of computers taking over the world will be reinforced when your Dell walks out of the woods and bitch slaps you.

    Cancer: June 22 – July 22

    Your overly active right brain will keep you up late this week to the point of insomnia, while your inactive left brain just keeps getting high off endorphins.

    Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

    You will take an 11-year trip to Mars purely through your elevated consciousness, only to come back pissed when you find Carlos Mencia is still on the air.

    Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22

    The last thing you ever wanted to do was hurt it anyone, but when it comes down to it, someone had to get the last Slim Jim at Wawa.

    Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20

    While wave-riding sports such as wakeboarding and surfing have never been your forté, you’ve never have had a problem with rippin’ a gnarly cosine.

    Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

    While many scoff at your lamenting over Fidel Castro’s incapacitation, you strongly agree with his policies on cigars and complete authority.

    Aries: March 21 – April 19

    You will understand psychologist’s claim that every action is a means to an end this week when a football hits you in the groin and everyone laughs.

    Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

    Excitement over Tracy Morgan’s arrival will leave you with nightmarishly hilarious echoes of “Take a doo doo pie” in your sleep.

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