Horoscopes (March 2)

	Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21 You will spend time enjoying the small things in life this week, completely ignoring the massive things that are tearing you apart as we speak.		Taurus: April 20 – May 20 You will know how Leif Erikson, the first person to discover North America, must have felt when someone else patents your idea of string-cheese mittens.
	Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21 Justifying counterfeiting is not all that appalling to you, as you will accuse the U.S. government of being blatant “money huggers” in court this week.		Gemini: May 21- June 21 Evolution has always fascinated you, as it quells your bitterness towards your biology professor, who was naturally selected to be an asshole.
	Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19 Karma is a bitch; however, you have found karma to be much more amicable ever since you killed a guy and then immediately won the lottery.		Cancer: June 22 – July 22 Your trip to Saturn with your new, semi-weird friends will seem cool at first, but consulting your doctor about those pills they want you to take might be smart.
	Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18 The path to true happiness is altruism, so the stars would appreciate a check for $1,000 made out to “Little Dipper, 1012 Milky Way, Infinite Universe.”		Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22 As a pretty big wimp, the stars do not condone your plan to prove your dangerous side by drugging all of your professors. We repeat, do NOT condone it.
	Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20 Your favorite color at one point was blue, but after a run-in with Williamsburg police this week, the color will only remind you of obnoxious sirens and tickets.		Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22 Virgos wear their hearts on their sleeves and are not afraid to show their emotions by crying like little whiny, sissy, weak girls.
	Aries: March 21 – April 19 Fresh off an all-nighter after procrastinating on a long paper, you resolve to be smarter about your work next time by taking more Adderall.		Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22 It is about time you spice up your love life, Cheebra. Try sending roses to a girl you like, but don’t blame us when you get turned down 23 times.