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Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21You will spend time enjoying the small things in life this week, completely ignoring the massive things that are tearing you apart as we speak. |
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Taurus: April 20 – May 20You will know how Leif Erikson, the first person to discover North America, must have felt when someone else patents your idea of string-cheese mittens. |
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Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21Justifying counterfeiting is not all that appalling to you, as you will accuse the U.S. government of being blatant “money huggers” in court this week. |
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Gemini: May 21- June 21Evolution has always fascinated you, as it quells your bitterness towards your biology professor, who was naturally selected to be an asshole. |
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Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19Karma is a bitch; however, you have found karma to be much more amicable ever since you killed a guy and then immediately won the lottery. |
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Cancer: June 22 – July 22Your trip to Saturn with your new, semi-weird friends will seem cool at first, but consulting your doctor about those pills they want you to take might be smart. |
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Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18The path to true happiness is altruism, so the stars would appreciate a check for $1,000 made out to “Little Dipper, 1012 Milky Way, Infinite Universe.” |
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Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22As a pretty big wimp, the stars do not condone your plan to prove your dangerous side by drugging all of your professors. We repeat, do NOT condone it. |
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Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20Your favorite color at one point was blue, but after a run-in with Williamsburg police this week, the color will only remind you of obnoxious sirens and tickets. |
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Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22Virgos wear their hearts on their sleeves and are not afraid to show their emotions by crying like little whiny, sissy, weak girls. |
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Aries: March 21 – April 19Fresh off an all-nighter after procrastinating on a long paper, you resolve to be smarter about your work next time by taking more Adderall. |
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Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22It is about time you spice up your love life, Cheebra. Try sending roses to a girl you like, but don’t blame us when you get turned down 23 times. |
