Horoscopes (March 2)

    Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

    You will spend time enjoying the small things in life this week, completely ignoring the massive things that are tearing you apart as we speak.

    Taurus: April 20 – May 20

    You will know how Leif Erikson, the first person to discover North America, must have felt when someone else patents your idea of string-cheese mittens.

    Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

    Justifying counterfeiting is not all that appalling to you, as you will accuse the U.S. government of being blatant “money huggers” in court this week.

    Gemini: May 21- June 21

    Evolution has always fascinated you, as it quells your bitterness towards your biology professor, who was naturally selected to be an asshole.

    Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

    Karma is a bitch; however, you have found karma to be much more amicable ever since you killed a guy and then immediately won the lottery.

    Cancer: June 22 – July 22

    Your trip to Saturn with your new, semi-weird friends will seem cool at first, but consulting your doctor about those pills they want you to take might be smart.

    Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

    The path to true happiness is altruism, so the stars would appreciate a check for $1,000 made out to “Little Dipper, 1012 Milky Way, Infinite Universe.”

    Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22

    As a pretty big wimp, the stars do not condone your plan to prove your dangerous side by drugging all of your professors. We repeat, do NOT condone it.

    Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20

    Your favorite color at one point was blue, but after a run-in with Williamsburg police this week, the color will only remind you of obnoxious sirens and tickets.

    Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

    Virgos wear their hearts on their sleeves and are not afraid to show their emotions by crying like little whiny, sissy, weak girls.

    Aries: March 21 – April 19

    Fresh off an all-nighter after procrastinating on a long paper, you resolve to be smarter about your work next time by taking more Adderall.

    Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

    It is about time you spice up your love life, Cheebra. Try sending roses to a girl you like, but don’t blame us when you get turned down 23 times.

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