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Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21You will be spooked this week when you envision a zebra playing a harpsichord with Levon Helms at William and Mary Hall — until you realize that it’s awesome. |
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Taurus: April 20 – May 20March Madness pools have you hopeful, but I don’t think the College will be happy when you charge students $500 for courses in “Bracketology 101.” |
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Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21It is about time you take a break from the everyday pains of waking up and living the same boring, predictable life. You will die this week. |
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Gemini: May 21- June 21Although you may not think MTV’s “Wild ’N’ Out” is a quality program, it still confirms your belief that Nick Cannon is really good at freestyle rap. |
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Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19Crime investigators think that they can catch any criminal, but putting the gun in your stuffed ALF doll’s hands will definitely throw the forensics team off your case. |
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Cancer: June 22 – July 22Eager to kick some ass with your newly acquired karate moves, you will learn an ancient lesson in humility this week when you burn your finger on an iron. |
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Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18Live your life. If American Eagle, the great philosopher-jean company, has taught you anything, you will never forget to do this one simple task. |
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Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22As the fun of spring break wears off and students settle back into classes, it will take you a long time to learn how to live with the Clap. |
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Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20The deeper, political intonations you’ve always suspected in “If You Give A Moose a Muffin,” solidified when you see Mussolini’s signature on the last page. |
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Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22Ending a relationship is never easy, even if it means parting from the creep who may or may not be a student who stalked you for eight months. |
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Aries: March 21 – April 19Fresh off an all-nighter after procrastinating on a long paper, you resolve to be smarter about your work next time by taking more Adderall. |
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Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22Being the cool customer Libras tend to be, you will not fret when you are kicked out of the five items or less line at Ukrop’s this week. |
