Horoscopes (March 23)

    Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

    You will be spooked this week when you envision a zebra playing a harpsichord with Levon Helms at William and Mary Hall — until you realize that it’s awesome.

    Taurus: April 20 – May 20

    March Madness pools have you hopeful, but I don’t think the College will be happy when you charge students $500 for courses in “Bracketology 101.”

    Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

    It is about time you take a break from the everyday pains of waking up and living the same boring, predictable life. You will die this week.

    Gemini: May 21- June 21

    Although you may not think MTV’s “Wild ’N’ Out” is a quality program, it still confirms your belief that Nick Cannon is really good at freestyle rap.

    Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

    Crime investigators think that they can catch any criminal, but putting the gun in your stuffed ALF doll’s hands will definitely throw the forensics team off your case.

    Cancer: June 22 – July 22

    Eager to kick some ass with your newly acquired karate moves, you will learn an ancient lesson in humility this week when you burn your finger on an iron.

    Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

    Live your life. If American Eagle, the great philosopher-jean company, has taught you anything, you will never forget to do this one simple task.

    Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22

    As the fun of spring break wears off and students settle back into classes, it will take you a long time to learn how to live with the Clap.

    Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20

    The deeper, political intonations you’ve always suspected in “If You Give A Moose a Muffin,” solidified when you see Mussolini’s signature on the last page.

    Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

    Ending a relationship is never easy, even if it means parting from the creep who may or may not be a student who stalked you for eight months.

    Aries: March 21 – April 19

    Fresh off an all-nighter after procrastinating on a long paper, you resolve to be smarter about your work next time by taking more Adderall.

    Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

    Being the cool customer Libras tend to be, you will not fret when you are kicked out of the five items or less line at Ukrop’s this week.


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