Welcome to Eva’s Apple #6. Often, when I sit down to write my apples, I think about what my readership would most benefit from this week. Seeing as we are approaching finals, I would expect that you are looking for something low-stress and funny. Look somewhere else. It is not my job to entertain you.
When the Instagram post went up to poll for questions this week, my grandma texted me saying that if I give her a question I want to write about, she would submit it on my behalf. If that isn’t love and loyalty, I don’t know what is. My grandma helped me realize that I have not been putting myself first. It’s always “What questions do my readers want me to answer?” and not “What questions do I want to be asked?” For those of you who are annoying, no, I didn’t take up my grandma’s offer and compromise my journalistic integrity. But, honestly, doing so would be nothing close to the crime that is hiding behind your screen and selfishly submitting whatever questions you want without any regard to what questions I WANT.
So, for my last apple of this semester, I have arranged a little competition. I was asked ten questions this week. Today, I will be answering six of them. Of the four I did not pick, two are being saved for their own issue and two were (how do I put this kindly?) garbage. There is no way of knowing which category you fall in. Either way, you should take my omission of your question very seriously and quite personally. For those of you whose questions I am answering, the order is not random. I have ranked them from my least to most favorite. If you didn’t ask me a question this week, shame on you. If you did ask me a question this week, I wish you good luck. Let the games begin.
6th place: “Advice for summer internships?”
Yeah. Have you ever wanted to become a lobbyist? I want you to lobby The Flat Hat for me. I’ll pay you in words of affirmation.
Hear me out: Flat Hat merch shop. I get a royalty because it’s my intellectual property. #sharktankmindset. Imagine shirts that say “Goose #6” (callback to Eva’s Apple #2), bucket hats that say “Start Humble” (callback to this Apple… read on) or hoodies that say “Grounddawg” (callback to Eva’s Apple #4). Now imagine every member of the student body wearing one or all of these. Epic behavior.
I really think I struck gold here. If the paper won’t monetize this, I will. All I need is an investment of $200,000 for 5% of my company, which is a four million dollar pre-revenue valuation. If you don’t want the lobbying gig, go get a really lucrative summer internship so you can take advantage of this fiscally promising investment opportunity.
5th place: “What is the most efficient way to move out of one’s dorm”
I have a dog named Pretzel, and she’s crazy. My move-out plan is to sprinkle shredded cheese all over my dorm and let Pretzel use her discretion to decide which of my belongings are a snack that pairs well with mozzarella. Everything left intact gets thrown in a car and taken home. I haven’t run this by my roommate, but I’m sure she’ll be fine with it. I’ll let you dogsit Pretzel for the day if you supply your own mozzarella. I’ve got a winning plan; time to follow suit.
4th place: “how does one become as awesome and amazing as you”
Has anyone ever told you to stay humble? They’re wrong. All you have to do is start humble. Earn trust, and then you can be arrogant. There are two reasons to be disliked. One: You’re cool and boy do you know it. Two: You think you’re cool but you’re not. The goal is to be the former. People tend to like weasels who are good company but do not fully understand, nor flaunt, their own immense swag and worth. Impersonate the weasel and then emerge as the wolf. Or werewolf. Like Jacob from “Twilight.”
And now, for the podium…
3rd place: “eva- how do i pick my schedule for next year?”
Wondering why this made the podium? This lovely reader decided I was worth the common courtesy of a name.
The key to a holistic education is to try new things. The best way to do this is to step out of your comfort zone and jump into a new discipline. Sign up for all the high level classes you can in your least-familiar subjects. Then, never ask questions. That’s weak. If you are ever confused, make up the answers with such conviction that you have the entire discipline questioning their authority on the topic. People say college should teach you how to think, not what to think. By this logic, the content of your beliefs is wholly unimportant. You just have to come about them in an interesting way.
2nd place: “Dearest Eva, how do I slay my finals?”
What a kind way to address your favorite satire advice columnist! The rest of you should be taking notes.
The best way to slay your finals is to take an overwhelmingly creative approach. All your short answers should rhyme. Every multiple choice question should be answered with “all of the above” and a haiku justification. If you are ever unsure, just write “Why are you asking me? Aren’t you the professor?” Guaranteed A+.
1st place: “Eva, how should I introduce my delinquent roommates to my parents on move-out?”
WOW. Wow wow wow wow wow. This is how it’s done. This is a perfect question. This is the very first perfect question I’ve answered during my entire tenure as a satire advice columnist. Not only does it address me by name, it is properly capitalized and practically begs for a personal anecdote.
Unfortunately, I am the delinquent roommate in my roomie duo. Please defer this question to Miss Julia Peavey of the Jaber-Peavey residence.
Alrighty. Congratulations to the winner and tough luck to all the losers. You’ve got until next semester to think of new questions. They better dazzle me. Go live your best life, start lobbying for my merch line and H.A.G.S.
