 |
Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21The last thing you need is more responsibilities, but you will realize how they are shaping your personality and making you an insomniac. |
 |
Taurus: April 20 – May 20Get a job. Your bank account woes will hit you like a brick of money this week and, ironically, the brick will have no monetary value whatsoever. |
 |
Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21You will hit an emotional wall this week. You will be unable to smile, cry, eat, sleep, drink, walk, sleep and sleep. It’s going a tough week to say the least. |
 |
Gemini: May 21- June 21Holding grudges will never pay off. Forgive all those who have hurt you in some way, with the exception of that prick who borrowed your calculator this morning. |
 |
Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19Friends have always gotten you into all sorts of trouble, and if it were the board game, you would have one fewer parole officer to contact. |
 |
Cancer: June 22 – July 22Balance is a necessity to life. Sometimes you need a nice break from studying and other times you need to tight-rope walk across the Grand Canyon. |
 |
Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18Stressing over jobs can cause unnecessary anxiety, so relax. When you are up to your ears in debt and living in a ditch, that’s when you should get anxious. |
 |
Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22Unfounded accusations can lead to the end of relationships that you deem important. Just accept that fecal matter is under your pillow and don’t blame anyone. |
 |
Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20The stars have been getting along great this week, so this normally would be an auspicious sign for you. However, one of us could explode any second now. |
 |
Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22Love is as much an event that leads to self-understanding as well as an understanding of others, much like surviving off of pine needles for six months with a friend. |
 |
Aries: March 21 – April 19Sharing experiences with someone makes life enjoyable and worthwhile, unlike sharing Trix cereal with a talking rabbit who likes being around children too much. |
 |
Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22You will drive yourself crazy scratching an itch in your brain this week, while also discovering you shouldn’t stick pencils in your ear and that you are clinically insane |
