Horoscopes (April 13)

    Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

    The last thing you need is more responsibilities, but you will realize how they are shaping your personality and making you an insomniac.

    Taurus: April 20 – May 20

    Get a job. Your bank account woes will hit you like a brick of money this week and, ironically, the brick will have no monetary value whatsoever.

    Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

    You will hit an emotional wall this week. You will be unable to smile, cry, eat, sleep, drink, walk, sleep and sleep. It’s going a tough week to say the least.

    Gemini: May 21- June 21

    Holding grudges will never pay off. Forgive all those who have hurt you in some way, with the exception of that prick who borrowed your calculator this morning.

    Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

    Friends have always gotten you into all sorts of trouble, and if it were the board game, you would have one fewer parole officer to contact.

    Cancer: June 22 – July 22

    Balance is a necessity to life. Sometimes you need a nice break from studying and other times you need to tight-rope walk across the Grand Canyon.

    Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

    Stressing over jobs can cause unnecessary anxiety, so relax. When you are up to your ears in debt and living in a ditch, that’s when you should get anxious.

    Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22

    Unfounded accusations can lead to the end of relationships that you deem important. Just accept that fecal matter is under your pillow and don’t blame anyone.

    Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20

    The stars have been getting along great this week, so this normally would be an auspicious sign for you. However, one of us could explode any second now.

    Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

    Love is as much an event that leads to self-understanding as well as an understanding of others, much like surviving off of pine needles for six months with a friend.

    Aries: March 21 – April 19

    Sharing experiences with someone makes life enjoyable and worthwhile, unlike sharing Trix cereal with a talking rabbit who likes being around children too much.

    Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

    You will drive yourself crazy scratching an itch in your brain this week, while also discovering you shouldn’t stick pencils in your ear and that you are clinically insane


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