Horoscopes (Sept. 7)

    Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21

    If you think the recent state budget cut is detrimental to your education, fear not. You go to school in Virginia anyway.

    Taurus: April 20 – May 20

    It’s great that you drafted Rex Grossman as your fantasy football quarterback. Too bad interceptions and negative quarterback ratings aren’t statistics.

    Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21

    We know that break-ups can be frustrating, but rock-starring your ex-girlfriend’s room is taking it a little too far.

    Gemini: May 21- June 21

    Contrary to popular belief, those sounds you hear aren’t coming from the “Mean Girls” convention — it’s just sorority rush.

    Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19

    Good news this week! The Student Health Center is starting a new suicide hotline just for all you die hard Redskins fans.

    Cancer: June 22 – July 22

    Listen to your RAs and the Student Affairs office: One drink per hour is a great way to accomplish absolutely nothing.

    Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18

    Reading The Flat Hat’s sex column aloud to your girlfriend is a great relationship builder. The random girl at the party might get kind of scared.

    Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22

    Seriously, stop reading these stupid horoscopes and go to class. Your professor is concerned about your whereabouts.

    Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20

    Your history class has taught you that the Gestapo and SS have been disbanded, but Campus Police begs to differ.

    Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22

    You may find that your roommate becomes upset with you this week — not because you sexile him, but because you urinate on everything in sight.

    Aries: March 21 – April 19

    Speaking of the SS, now that every fraternity has been busted, your badminton club should consider going underground.

    Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22

    Your three-hour human drawing class seemed pretty cool, until your boyfriend signed up as a nude model for the art department.


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