Horoscopes (Sept. 7)

	Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21 If you think the recent state budget cut is detrimental to your education, fear not. You go to school in Virginia anyway.		Taurus: April 20 – May 20 It’s great that you drafted Rex Grossman as your fantasy football quarterback. Too bad interceptions and negative quarterback ratings aren’t statistics.
	Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21 We know that break-ups can be frustrating, but rock-starring your ex-girlfriend’s room is taking it a little too far.		Gemini: May 21- June 21 Contrary to popular belief, those sounds you hear aren’t coming from the “Mean Girls” convention — it’s just sorority rush.
	Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19 Good news this week! The Student Health Center is starting a new suicide hotline just for all you die hard Redskins fans.		Cancer: June 22 – July 22 Listen to your RAs and the Student Affairs office: One drink per hour is a great way to accomplish absolutely nothing.
	Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18 Reading The Flat Hat’s sex column aloud to your girlfriend is a great relationship builder. The random girl at the party might get kind of scared.		Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22 Seriously, stop reading these stupid horoscopes and go to class. Your professor is concerned about your whereabouts.
	Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20 Your history class has taught you that the Gestapo and SS have been disbanded, but Campus Police begs to differ.		Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22 You may find that your roommate becomes upset with you this week — not because you sexile him, but because you urinate on everything in sight.
	Aries: March 21 – April 19 Speaking of the SS, now that every fraternity has been busted, your badminton club should consider going underground.		Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22 Your three-hour human drawing class seemed pretty cool, until your boyfriend signed up as a nude model for the art department.