Belligerent beard-lovers bitch back

    What a week (and a half) it has been since the much-discussed Beard-Vember column appeared. Personally, I know I have enjoyed being called a cunt, a bitch and an untalented hag, but I thought, “Hey! Why not let everyone in on the fun?”

    p. With that, I offer up to you a collection of comments from and my Rosie O’Donnell inspired answers, though I will punctuate and capitalize.

    p. “Why did you think it was a good idea to live?” — Alex Feldman
    Thank you for your question, Alex. I think it’s because my parents really liked doing it.

    p. “I have a beard. And so does my dad. He’ll turn your non-believing carcass into a pillar of salt, or maybe some burning sulfur. Then Moses will thrash you Charlton Heston-style. I’m a pacifist, so I’ll just watch and laugh and laugh. Peace be with you.” — Jesus

    p. Unfortunately, but also predictably, Jesus is about as good as it gets.

    p. “You kiddin’ me, Charlotte? You’re taking out your ‘my bearded BF dumped me for great reasons’ sexual frustration on The Flat Hat readership? Mature …” — Grizzly Adams

    p. Okay Grizzly, my love. Let’s talk — and not in dialect, please. I am sexually frustrated, yes, but only because my boyfriend (who ironically is growing a beard as we speak) is far away. Also, said boyfriend is growing his beard against my liking and for reasons involving his delicate skin in the winter. I’m not happy about it, but I know for certain we’ll still be having sex later. So, how are you?

    p. “How can anyone argue that a beard is bad news? I mean, granted that the patchy and otherwise incomplete beards of those lacking the correct testosterone leave something to be desired. But a full face-covering carpet of colored hair is about as manly as Chuck Norris (who, I would like to mention, has a beard).” — Chris Meier

    p. I’m actually with you on this one, Chris (and Chuck Norris). I think a great deal of my column was lost in a blind fit of bearded rage. Beards are great on a select few and my tongue-in-cheek commentary was written in anticipation of a campus full of unworthy beard-wearers, you see. I’m sure you’ll agree that there is only one Chuck Norris, and it would be utter hubris for one to believe that his level of bearded glory can be easily achieved.
    And lastly, here are some that need no response at all, mostly because they involve genitalia and butt-holes:

    p. “Do you think every month of the year is about getting women? We know how we look, and just like your feminazi comrades that don’t shave ever, we adopt a temporary embrace of follicle freedom. Sorry that it’s not all for self-righteous whores, all the time. But you do have 11 months out of the year. See you on steak and blowjob day.

    p. “Charlotte Savino is a Coward. She has penis envy of the irrefutably powerful display of a solid beard.” — Mike Tilley
    “You shouldn’t talk out of your ass. What you need is to grow a beard. Then you’ll know.” — Ishmael

    p. “How on earth did you think putting down facial hair would even be a good idea? How?! Thanks to your dull and poorly written article, you just screwed yourself out of a date for the next 20 years … at least. Nice.” – Men Grow Hair Deal With It

    p. But wait, there’s more. These comments were on Facebook, and I think that change in venue really comes through:

    p. Tyler writes two comments:

    p. “I believe the British created a term for women like Charlotte Savino … ah yes! Cunt. That’s it.”

    p. “A Haiku To Charlotte

    p. Dear Charlotte, attempts
    To ruin my self-confidence
    You silly cunt, you.”

    p. Thank you, bearded men; I had nothing to write about this week and no time in which to do so.

    p. Until you curse at me again, all my love,

    p. Cunt.

    p. __Charlotte Savino is a Confusion Corner columnist. Unlike a number of bearded men, she can take a joke.__


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