Conquering the Crawl

    Despite exams and papers, there is an epic battle of the sexes happening this Blowout at the College of William and Mary — a battle that will take two brave participants on a wild trip through the delis. At the end of this perilous journey only one will remain standing, while the other will stumble home in shame. This is Deli Crawl 2009.

    Dramatics aside, friend Patrick Carlson ’11, and I — strictly in the name of journalism — will visit each of the delis: The Green Leafe Cafe, Paul’s Deli Restaurant and the College Delly, in that order. The premise is simple: We will have a single drink at each deli, move to the next, and continue until one of us cannot safely complete the journey between delis.

    We decided before we set out to create a set of rules that will not only keep us safe but also ensure that there is a decisive winner by the end of the night. The most important rule is to put our safety first, even if it is in direct opposition during our quest for victory. We want to have fun, we expect to be drunk, but we know our limits, and do not want to surpass them in the name of friendly competition. We each must order the same drink, and the drinks must be in the same sized shooter or glass. We both must finish our drinks before we cross the street to the next deli, and the drinks must be consumed in the same amount of time. A winner is decided when either one person taps out because he cannot consume any more, or when one person can’t make it out of the deli or across the street.

    The Deli Crawl from Flat Hat on Vimeo.

    Armed with a bottle of water and a notepad, I’m prepared to document the night until my handwriting becomes nearly illegible and my notepad is soaked with beer. Let’s do it.

    *9:00 p.m.*

    My alarm wakes me up, and I feel terrible. In typical College of William and Mary fashion, I pulled an all-nighter, and besides my short nap, I hadn’t slept since the day before. Despite this, I pull myself out of bed to go meet up with Patrick at 9:30 p.m. to start our adventure.

    *9:33 p.m.*

    The night starts out with a surprise: karaoke at the Leafe. Before we even make it to the deli, three guys are being escorted out because they are about to brawl. Intense.

    We sit down at the bar and wait for the Flat Hat photographer to arrive. On a drink napkin, I make a little map of the delis and leave a space where we can tally the amount of drinks we consume.

    *9:39 p.m.*

    The bartender sees me jotting down notes and asks me what I’m working on. I tell him about the article, and he tells me I should mention that students get a 20 percent discount on food with their student IDs on Blowout. Nice.

    *9:40 p.m.*

    We ask him what drinks he recommends. He suggests we start out with the Mind Eraser. It has coffee in it, so I pass. Sun Park, our photographer, arrives. The bartender brings us two shooters of Delicious, refusing to divulge his secret recipe. The drink lives up to its name. Someone is singing karaoke in the background, butchering the “Truckin” by the Grateful Dead.

    *9:55 p.m.*

    We pay for our shooters and head to Paul’s. Patrick and I order pints of Bud Light. I encounter my first obstacle of the night: I hate beer. Patrick is drinking much faster than I am. “Maybe you should stop taking such big-ass gulps,” I tell him. The competition rules state that I have to keep up. “Maybe you should get a straw,” he replies. Whatever. I don’t want to look more lame than I already do — I pretty much grimace after every sip as it is.

    *10:03 p.m.*

    We’re more than halfway done with our beers. Patrick informs me he has a two-page paper due tomorrow. That sucks.

    *10:15 p.m.*

    Beer is finished, and I realize I am saying everything I write down — not just out loud, but very loudly. Oops.
    I send a text message to a friend: (757) Doing ok. Patrick has a paper to write. LOLZOLZ

    *10:16 p.m.*

    Status check: Two drinks apiece, and we’re both feeling pretty good. I’ve stopped saying everything in my head out loud, which Patrick and Sun appreciate. I feel like I can do a few more rounds. Off to College.

    *10:22 p.m.*

    Please go to the College Delly and ask for Meghan the bartender because she has to make you a Chocolate Cake shooter. It is the most delicious drink I’ve had in my life.
    We’ve officially made a full round, and after the Chocolate Cake I’m starting to feel it — just a bit. Patrick is talking about making two more full rounds. Crap.

    *10:36 p.m.*
    Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the USA” is playing as we enter the Leafe for a second time. It’s fate. This is my jam. With this song blasting in the background, I cannot lose.

    *10:42 p.m.*

    Patrick convinces me that I have to try the Mind Eraser. It will be our fourth drink. I see the bartender get out glasses rather than shooters, and I’m like, “Those can’t be for ours.” They are. Frig.
    (757): i’m 90% sure i’m going to puke tonight.

    *10:43 p.m.*

    Two straws, one glass, three seconds. That’s how we have to drink the Mind Eraser. I only make it halfway through the drink. Complete fail. I reluctantly declare Patrick the winner of Deli Crawl 2009, as I did not complete my drink. He buys me mozzarella sticks. Now I feel like the winner.

    *10:45 p.m.*

    We are delivered three more shooters that look like Nickelodeon Slime. The mozzarella sticks come out next — they are as big as my face and 10 times more delicious. They hit the spot.

    *10:52 p.m.*

    Patrick is talking to the bartender, and obviously up to no good. Now I have another shooter in front of me. Curse you, Patrick!
    (757): hahahaha we r abouto sing o lord haha cili cheese fries miss you

    *10:55 p.m.*

    One shooter later and we are doing karaoke. The first page we open to in the songbook is Boys II Men, and we know what we have to sing. I’m going to work it so hard.
    “This goes out to all the couples in the crowd tonight,” I yell. “Here’s to getting laid! Name your future kids after us if you like our performance!”
    We sing “I’ll Make Love to you.”
    (757): OMG WE KILLED IT

    *11:01 p.m.*

    Just in case you were wondering, we were awesome. Standing ovation, at least by the people who were able to stand on their own.
    (757): James i’n drunlk and my life hurts
    BLAHHH p.m.
    I’m drunk. It’s like walking on clouds, clouds made of jello.
    Someone is butchering “Welcome to the Jungle.” Not only is he killing the song, he’s killing my buzz.

    This is where my notes end. The last few were written on my map napkin and are completely illegible. Six drinks apiece, three delis and one mind-blowing karaoke performance completed our night, making Deli Crawl 2009 a resounding success. All of the delis and the bartenders were welcoming, and the drinks were delicious. My recommendation for Fall Blowout: Pay a visit to each, be safe, have an excellent time and take advantage of any karaoke opportunities that might arise.


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