Finding happiness at home

    I went to the Commons Dining Hall for brunch, craving some steak. I grabbed my plate and headed straight to the Vegan Section, and when I got there, I was rather distraught that I could not find any steak. I figured I should try the Pizza Station, so I walked around the sandwich and soup section only to find that there was no steak there either. At this point, I was rather frazzled. After checking the salad bar with still no success, I left the Caf, got into my car and drove to New Town. I tried Buffalo Wild Wings, Maggie Moo’s, ZPizza, Thai Pot, Green Leafe, the Starbucks inside Barnes & Noble and even the Victoria’s Secret: still no luck. I sat down on a bench, perplexed and frustrated. I then stood up, went back into Barnes and Noble and demanded that they produce a rare to medium rare New York strip steak with A-1 sauce, mashed potatoes and broccoli. They kicked me out. As I walked down the sidewalk, dismayed and thoroughly disappointed, I called my mom. After explaining my situation, she suggested that I try Longhorn Steakhouse. I drove to Longhorn, ordered the steak I had been craving and then took it to my dorm room where I savored its juicy goodness.

    It dawned on me that it is unreasonable to demand a product or service from some organization that specializes in an unrelated field. Suddenly, it became clear to me why my hair-dresser refused to give me collagen treatment to make my lips look like Angelina Jolie’s. I also thought back to the other day when I saw a fellow student wearing a “Communist Party USA” shirt. I had thought it peculiar and silly at the time, but couldn’t quite figure out why exactly I felt that way. I now understand that just like you wouldn’t go into Victoria’s Secret and ask for a New York strip steak, you can’t go to the United States of America — a historically and fundamentally free market society — and ask for socialism. Well, I guess hypothetically you could, but it would simply be logistically impractical; and I guess that Victoria’s Secret could refashion themselves into a steakhouse, but why not just go to Opus 9 or Longhorn Steakhouse. You could probably get a steak much closer to campus at the Fat Canary or Blue Talon.

    Steaks aside, however, the direction toward which President Obama and the Legislative Branch have been attempting to navigate the country is undeniably a significantly more socialist one. Sure, we have long had Medicare, Social Security and Medicaid (never mind that two of those are almost always under the threat of failing). Sure, the government has become significantly more involved since the days of Woodrow Wilson. Nevertheless, socialized health care, enormous bailouts, rhetoric of “spreading the wealth” and the most significant issues of the White House’s social and economic policies are all drastically different from this nation’s founding reap-what-you-sow principles. In fact, many people — fully intelligent and half-brained alike — are beginning and continuing to recognize that something in the current economic and social policies of this great nation is terribly wrong.

    That being said, I am not knocking socialists or communists. I am, however, knocking socialists and communists attempting to make Victoria’s Secret serve steak, so to speak. I sincerely suggest all my fellow members of the Tribe who align themselves with socialist and communist ideologies — whom I nonetheless love dearly — to leave this nation’s boundaries for the likes of China (no strike that, China’s too capitalistic these days), Cuba, Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam or North Korea. Once you reach those golden shores, give yourself some time to settle in. Assimilate yourself in the society and mindset that you have always wanted to be a part of, and if it brings you true happiness, I will be sincerely happy for you, since after all, you are all my fellow students at the College of William and Mary. If, on the other hand, you find yourself disappointed, downtrodden and angry, I will still be happy for you. Hopefully, after such an ordeal, you will have learned your lesson so that you may return to capitalist America and buy a new Che Guevara t-shirt.


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