Rotten, Rancid, Ruinous Apples


Lauren Meyer ’24 is an Anthropology major and a History minor from Richmond, VA. In addition to writing opinions for the Flat Hat, Lauren is a member of Club Swimming and Club Field Hockey. Her favorite beverage is a Strawberry Kiwi Capri Sun.

The views expressed in this article are the author’s own.

Apples are, in almost any situation, the perfect snack. Want to eat something moderately filling? Apple. Want it to be more savory? Add peanut butter. Want to feel like a child in the countryside? Apple and cheese. Want something sweet? Caramel apple. Feel like eating fruit after only consuming fries at the dining hall because the entrees were unappealing? Have an apple! And we can’t forget that an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Unlike other fruits (cough, bananas, cough), apples are safe on the go because they don’t pose a threat to your bag by exploding and oozing everywhere. They bruise less than softer fruits, and they also smell less strongly, so you and your belongings are less likely to smell because of an apple than something like an orange. And honestly, they just taste better than most fruits. Plus, they come in all different shapes and tastes to fit your desired appley needs.

Except apples come with one terrible, terrible flaw. One thing keeps them from being truly perfect: their mealiness.

For those who don’t know, a mealy apple is one that has that weird, awful texture: too soft and almost crumbly. A mealy apple tastes bad and is overall terrible. Even if you don’t know the word, you know what I’m talking about. We all do. Because they’re terrible.

What makes it even worse is an apple could feel and look fine on the outside but reveal an absolutely awful inside on first bite. You can sometimes try to press gently on the skin to see if it gives — if it does, run. That apple will NOT be good. 

But this is not a foolproof test. Mealy apples are everywhere. You have been warned.

And that’s just what makes them so irritating. When I eat an apple, I want it crisp; I want it clean. 

And so, when I bite into an apple thinking I’m going to have a delicious treat but am instead met with what feels like wet cat food disintegrating in my mouth, I get angry. What am I going to do? Go get another apple, just for it to be mealy, too? I’d just keep getting apples, piling them on my plate, taking one bite into each and spitting them out, with my rage and a mealy apple fortress building around me. I wouldn’t want that. No one would.

Most of the time I eat apples, I’m getting them to eat later (because of their extreme portability as mentioned previously). So, there isn’t an opportunity to get a new apple and I’m stuck either eating, what is on all accounts, a disgusting orb or being hungry. Usually, I force myself to eat at least three to four bites so as to not feel wasteful, the whole time wishing my apple was crunchy.

Perhaps there is a lesson in all of this. One, I really should not be putting so much stock into the characteristics of my desired fruit. And two, maybe the mealy apples are what make the good ones even better. The knowledge of a mealy apple’s existence is enough to make me truly appreciate the blessing of a good one. Every time I eat an apple and it’s as crisp as can be, I’ll remember it could have been mealy and never take it for granted again. 

Ah, what a nice thought. I’d still prefer that mealy apples be wiped off of the face of the planet, though.


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