Adam Jutt ’25 is a math and economics major from Cincinnati, Ohio who writes articles sometimes. Contact him at adjutt@wm.edu.
The views expressed in this article are the author’s own.
This is the last installment of Adam’s Apple that will ever grace the pages of The Flat Hat, or at least the last installment written by me.
You see, my time at this illustrious post has come to an end. Why has it been brought to such a swift conclusion? I’m sure myriad hypotheses of scandal and conspiracy are tripping over one another in your minds.
Perhaps Adam was killed by a shadowy mega-corporation for sharing wisdom and advice which would make the common person too powerful to be controlled.
Perhaps the higher-ups at The Flat Hat decided to kick him to the curb because he followed his own code above all else, never bending the knee to false idols like “ethical journalism practices” and “respect for truth and fairness” which rule everyone else on staff.
Perhaps he is just the newest victim of ruthless, vindictive “cancel culture.” Everything he said about William Eisen was true — and definitely needed to be said — but perhaps in this soft, sensitive era we live in, that truth was too “offensive” and “defamatory” to be tolerated.
While those are all very reasonable guesses, and I should note that the shadowy mega-corporations have been close to succeeding in silencing me on multiple occasions, the reason this is the last installment of my time at Adam’s Apple is actually far more insidious and terrifying: I am a senior.
At The Flat Hat, positions are held from January to December, meaning one must commit to a role for a full calendar year. Because I am graduating in the spring, I am in no position to accept a position for the next term.
But wait! Couldn’t I at least continue writing through next semester? Surely an exception could be made, and I could be kept on staff as a sort of emeritus staff member to write periodically at least until I graduate. And actually — wait again — can’t anyone write Opinion articles? That means I wouldn’t need to be a formal staff member or even a student here to keep writing! In theory, I could keep writing this column forever!
Fair points, through and through. Clearly, you can see through my façade. I should never underestimate the intelligence of my readership. The truth is that my seniority is not the only reason I am hanging up the apple. In truth, I am very tired.
You think that maintaining this column is some walk in the park? You think someone could maintain any shred of mental health while being forced to crank out content at such an untenable pace (a single article once a month)? You think that writing 750 words of pure nonsense once every four weeks doesn’t take a brutal toll on a man? Over the past year, I have been squeezed dry of all nonsense in my body. Every ounce of silliness and absurdity has been wrung out of my limbs. The wringing out process is excruciating on a physical level, of course, but more importantly it means that there is no silliness left for other aspects of my life. I can’t joke around like I used to. I can’t do bits or impressions anymore. I haven’t laughed since 2023. I live in a constant state of joyless, zombie-like limbo, perpetually awaiting the loud knock on my door accompanied by the demand for a new article. It’s horrible.
Okay, now here’s a really awkward segue: I am in the market for someone to replace me as the Adam of Adam’s Apple. Note that at the beginning of this piece I clarified that this was the last Apple which would be written by me, not necessarily the last Apple ever. So, if someone out there feels inspired to carry on the mantle, please reach out to me or someone you know at The Flat Hat. I haven’t actually run this idea (of continuing the Apple) through any of my bosses, and it is very possible they were hoping the column would die a quiet death with me, but I think that continuing the noble work we are doing here would be a wonderful thing. Naturally, not just anyone could step into the role. Here are the desired qualifications:
- My replacement should possess “a limitless fount of knowledge,” with references ready to attest to such a fount.
- A profound lack of interests, hobbies, goals and friends, such that this position can and will always be the only thing they care about.
- Able to handle the immense fame, prestige and praise that comes with the post.
- Named Adam, I should think. I guess this isn’t technically non-negotiable, but it would make the transition a lot easier. For all non-Adam applicants, e.g. someone named Salazar: I would leave it to you whether to keep the name of the column as Adam’s Apple, whether to adapt it to Adam’s Apple (by Salazar) or whether to make a radical switch to Salazar’s Apple. It’s a big decision.
Benefits of the position, aside from the aforementioned fame and praise, are extensive. Unfortunately, I am out of room here to enumerate them. As I said, please direct any inquiries about the position to myself or to someone else.
Friends, it has been an honor.