Eva Jaber ‘28 (she/her) is a prospective English or international relations major. She is a member of the Cleftomaniacs, an a cappella group, an ESL tutor and hopes to encourage peace-minded advocacy on campus. Contact her at ehjaber@wm.edu.
The views expressed in the article are the author’s own
Today, we’re celebrating one whole decade of this satire advice column! I’m lying — this is just my tenth issue. To celebrate such a milestone, I’m doing something a little crazy. I didn’t write today’s column; you did.
WHATTTTT?!?!?!? You heard me right. If you follow me on Instagram or TikTok, you were given an early opportunity to answer the question of the week … which is as follows:
“hi eva how do u get someone to like u back”
See, if I were writing this on my own today, I would tear the grammar of this question apart. But today isn’t about me … so we’re just gonna move on.
You might be wondering why I’m outsourcing my insight for today’s column. I think my bimonthly nuggets of advice are really something special. But, relationships are a two-player game, and getting someone to like you back takes more than being epic. You have to make someone else feel like they’re epic. Even if you’re lying. With that, I embark on my journey to platform your diverse perspectives to make you, my readers, feel epic. Whether I really believe that or not is a far more complicated question — one for another day.
The way our tenth issue celebration is going to work is I am going to group some of the most interesting answers into thematic families and rank them from my least favorite to my most favorite.
Bronze medal: It’s wholesome I hate it
“Show that you care about their interests”
“Talk to them! They have to know you to like you!”
Piss off. People should fall in love with me on sight.
Brass medal: We’re getting desperate
“girl tell me when u find out”
“Say PLS PLS PLS PLS PLS”
“girl idk but lemme know if u figure it out”
That’s what I’m trying to do. Let me cook, and I’ll bring you the food in a bit.
Silver medal: A lil twisted
“Invite them to a harshly lit dinner at the dining hall (obvi it’s ur treat so swipe them in)”
“Throw a rock at their face”
“Plant banana peels outside their door. They slip, and experience minor injury. Use this as an opportunity to show off your incredibly attractive first aid competence.”
To my pre-health divas out there, take heed of that third one!
Stainless steel medal: Dog or dawg?
“Chase them on all fours and bark every time you see them!”
“ask them if they like dogs then bark and wear a collar”
Weird, but even weirder that it came up twice.
Gold medal: Freaky, funky, fresh.
“Big fan of a thirst trap — make sure feet are in it as well to diversify the audience”
“if you ever embarrass yourself you can blame it on the twin”
“get a mohawk and learn karate”
“Pay a witch on Etsy to curse them”
These freaks stole my writer’s voice. I’m hiring a private investigator, and you’ll be hearing from my lawyer. Unrelated, but do you know any pre-law students who would litigate for free?
Sidebar: I’m running out of metals for my medals.
Platinum medal: Confident divas
“realize you’re actually too good for them”
“Be sexy like me”
“you don’t CHASE you ATTRACT”
SPEAK ON ITTT! We’ve got our winners. Good things come to those who wait. With that being said, I personally am done waiting. Does anyone remember my subtle hint that I’m single from “Eva’s Apple #2?” Ring a bell? Clearly not. I’m still single.
If you’re nice, read books and would laugh at my jokes, I might be your soulmate. If you’re all of those things, but don’t think you’re cut out for being a satire advice columnist’s trophy boo, I’ll hook you up with one of my readers who helped out with today’s column. Just toss me the bouquet at y’all’s wedding.
See you in two weeks (or in my DMs). Mwah!
