Eva Jaber ’28 (she/her) is a prospective English or international relations major. She is a member of the Cleftomaniacs, an a cappella group, an ESL tutor and hopes to encourage peace-minded advocacy on campus. Contact her at ehjaber@wm.edu.
The views expressed in the article are the author’s own.
My lovely readers, today we’re celebrating one whole year of Eva’s Apple! How about we start with an anecdote?
Over winter break, I was studying abroad in Argentina. I’m not the strongest Spanish speaker, but I could not be more proficient in brainrot. What does this have to do with anything, you ask? Where my language abilities lacked, my vast vocabulary of gibberish references made up for it. During one of our trips, our group spent time with a bunch of younger kiddos, about five to eight years old. In an attempt to bond with them, I engaged in an art that I like to call brainrot diplomacy. When you took Spanish in middle school, your teacher probably told you that you needed to know “puedo ir al baño,” “por favor” or “muchas gracias.” The education system failed you. Whatever happened to “Me encanta ‘Beast Games,’” or “Te gusta six seven?” My new friends didn’t want to know my favorite color. They wanted to know how many Robux I had. Cultural fluency is the name of the game.
You might remember that, in “Eva’s Apple #11,” I contemplated writing a brainrot edition but was censored by the anticipated stigma of revealing that I have the personality of a nine-year-old boy. I had a whole community of readers rally behind me, though, and they demanded the release of the brainrot edition. There are just about a million scrapped drafts of Apples that will never see the light. This, however, is not one of them, and that’s thanks to the question(s) of the week, which are as follows:
1. “How do I make friends in a new city?”
2. “How can I enjoy six seven as much as you?”
Two questions?!? Chill out, please. I’m not out of practice. I only showed you both questions because they have the same answer. Whether you want to connect with new people in a new place or you just want to train yourself to better appreciate brilliance, brainrot diplomacy is the tool for you. Diplomacy is a broad term that encompasses the “art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way,” according to the cherry-picked definition I found online. By that logic, brainrot diplomacy is using cultural references to improve your relationships with others and, ultimately, your relationship with yourself. Before I went to Argentina, I was spending the holidays with my family in Lebanon. One of my younger cousins has a strong conviction that “six seven” is an insulting and immature phrase, so I didn’t say it for an entire week in the name of respect and cultural humility. I’ve never felt more devoid of whimsy. I cannot imagine the life you must be living without brainrot in it. But don’t worry. I’m here to save you from your fruitless, friendless existence.
Here are three ways that you can better appreciate the worldwide cultural phenomenon that is brainrot, while making new friends along the way:
- Never be comfortable in silence. One time, I read something about how it’s apparently socially and emotionally mature to avoid filling lulls in conversation with meaningless chatter. I vehemently disagree. Silence doesn’t further friendship. Constant noise does. Every second you aren’t speaking or intently listening to someone else speak is nothing more than wasted time. Did someone in your conversation pause to take a breath? Jump in with a lil’ “Ballerina Cappuccina” to fill the time. Will people avoid you? Only the ones who didn’t deserve your friendship in the first place. Practice makes pestilence! Godspeed!
- Loudly point out any instance that “six seven” crops up in your daily life. Does your professor accidentally do the gesture during a lecture? Call them out! Are there six or seven books on one of the syllabi for your spring classes? Paper your dorm’s walls with copies of the syllabus to celebrate (your roommate will love coming back to some fresh decor)! Does your doctor say you have to make an effort to sleep at least six or seven hours every night this semester? Steal their stethoscope off their person and keep it as a token to remember such a cute moment. People will be so grateful for your whimsy!
- Reframe the way you think about brainrot. Have you ever thought about how the word brainrot is inherently derogatory? Big Pharma wants you to think that stimulating your brain with denotatively empty — but connotatively rich — videos, images and phrases will rot your brain. It has the opposite effect, though. According to my sources, three hours of brainrot a day makes the average brain grow six or seven inches in diameter every year. I fell victim to the top 1%’s conspiracy to make the proletariat avoid brainrot a few months ago when I chose not to release my brainrot edition of Eva’s Apple. But no longer. As promised, I am going to show you the runt of the litter that is my satire advice column drafts. We must learn to reframe our perspective in spite of what society says is right. Through my writing, I hope I open your eyes to the fact that this lexicon is not brainrot and instead brainradiance.
And with that, dear sigmas, I give you the almost question from 12 weeks ago and an excerpt of my almost answer:
“Hi Eva, six or seven?”
In life, sometimes, you don’t have to make a choice. I’ll explain. Recall that Robert Frost poem? Two Ohioan roads diverged in a yellow wood. Sorry YOU could not travel both because you’re so goofy ahh. I, on the other hand, don’t take the road more traveled or less traveled. I take the road no one has been smart enough to even realize they could travel. I put my car in reverse and back up all the way to the Four Seasons Orlando. Once there, I start doing whatever the opposite of looksmaxxing is until I’ve willed myself into looking exactly like you. Once I’ve experienced what it’s like to be chopped, I learn to empathize, and that skill takes me far. In other words, I become emotionally intelligent enough to realize that “six seven” is an and, not or, situation. You asked a stupid question.
Did you enjoy that excerpt? You would’ve never gotten to read it had I not grown to understand brainrot as a way to fuel my generative mind. Be grateful.
That’s it for this week. See you Tralalero Tralalalater.
